Starting Over
by Raych
Summary: Brooke has a good life except for the regret of friendships ruined by events years ago. Tragedy strikes and she returns to Tree Hill, will Lucas be able to repair the friendships he destroyed in order for Brooke to find the strength she needs to survive.
1. Brooke

**Future fic set 13 years post s6. Can be read as stand alone but idea came from the oneshot I wrote How Am I Supposed to Live Without You. Peyton and Lucas didn't leave Tree Hill, Brooke went to L.A. to be with Julian.**

**At 35 Brooke has a pretty great life, except for the regret of friendships left in tatters by events years ago. When tragedy strikes and she returns to Tree Hill will Lucas be able to repair the friendships he tore apart in order for Brooke to find the strength she needs to survive. Features Brulian, Brucas, Naley, Leyton and others.**

**Italics is a flashback.  
**

Sleep escaped her and she shivered beneath the wealth of blankets that covered their bed. Despite the heat outside she was cold, she was always cold when he was away on business. He was her warmth in a world that had been cold for many years. He was her saviour when her life had seemed close to ruin. She nestled down deep into the softness of their bed. She could hear the soft snuffles of their youngest child over the baby monitor and she smiled. Tyler had been an unexpected but welcome addition to their family. Mostly welcome anyway. With Sophie and Hannah both at school she'd felt like she was regaining some semblance of a life away from motherhood. She loved her children and had enjoyed her time as a stay-at-home wife and mother, but with her husband away frequently with work and the children getting older she was growing lonely. She'd begun to give real consideration to taking up a more active role in her fashion business again, then when her daughters were 9 and 6 respectively she'd discovered once again she was pregnant. Her husband was of course thrilled, she often joked he'd have her barefoot and pregnant for the rest of their lives if he could. Truthfully she'd been slightly disappointed at the discovery, her newly revived dreams of returning to her first baby were dashed. But she'd bounced back fast, thrilled at the prospect of the new addition. Her husband had been even more delighted when the baby arrived and he finally had a son. She knew he'd always wanted a boy of his own, not because he didn't adore their girls, but so that he could have the father/son relationship he'd never had with his own father. Their life seemed perfect on the outside, and while she loved her family she'd never truly settled here, it had never really felt like home to her. She'd struggled to make true friends beyond the false women she met at her husband's work parties and the other woman at the playground and school gates. Nothing like the friends she had once known. The familiar pain shot through her heart as she thought about how her life should be. That her children should have had as playmates the children of her oldest and best friend. That had always been their plan. They'd grow up, met two wonderful men, get married and have children. They never counted on only meeting one man, both falling in love with him and the years of heartache that followed. However when she'd met her husband she truly believed all the suffering was behind them, even when that woman's husband had shown up at her door begging her not to leave. Perhaps she had been naïve in believing that things would still all work out. Her eyes closed as she pulled out the memory from so many years ago.

_The banging on the door was angry and relentless and she wondered who on earth would be at the door. She peeped through the hole to ensure it was someone she knew and not some psycho before pulling the door open. She was stunned at the person at her door._

"_What are you doing here?" Since she'd moved here and into the gorgeous home that he'd chosen for them she'd had no visitors from home. It had been almost 6 months and yet she hadn't been able to face her. She needed longer to forget about how she'd left things with him before she could contemplate seeing her. Phone calls and e-mails and messages were exchanged almost everyday, but not a visit. She was pushed against the wall as the other woman barged past her into the house. She shook her head confused and followed the path of the woman through her home._

"_Here." A card was thrust at her and she took it, she recognised it instantly as the response to her wedding invite. She was sure there must be some joke as she saw both guests had responded that they would not be in attendance._

"_You're not coming to my wedding. Is this because I asked Sam to be my maid of honour? You know I love you, and I know we always planned that you would be mine and I yours and you honoured that but she's my daughter." Somehow the feeling in the pit of her stomach told her that it was not Sam being maid of honour that was the problem. The woman scoffed at her and she began to back away from the seething mass of anger that was her best friend._

"_Were you ever planning on telling me? It all makes sense now. The fact that you've never been back, not even to see your godchildren. That despite the times I asked if we could visit you never once had time. You never ask about him when we speak, nor does he ever ask me about you. It makes sense." The anger disappeared in front of her eyes and the woman in front of her, who sank down onto the chocolate leather couch seemed so broken. Truth always had a way of making itself known. "You made me into a fool." She knew exactly what her friend was talking about. She broke from her spell and rushed to her, kneeling on the ground in front of her friend and taking her frozen, shaking hands in her own._

"_You're not a fool. He loves you. It was a stupid confession, once, and even then he admitted that he did love you. He married you didn't he?" Teary eyes met her gaze as her friend looked up at her._

"_Maybe he does. Your invitation, he didn't say a word when I showed him it. I tried talking to him. I called Nathan to talk to him. I knew he still held some ill will to Julian, but not the extent he obviously did. In the end he said he wasn't going. I told him that considering all the sacrifices you'd made for us over the years he'd be selfish to let his feelings about Julian get in the way. I must have been blind. He laughed in my face and told me Julian was irrelevant. He wouldn't, or couldn't watch you get married. Even then I stupidly asked why not. He asked you to stay." She nodded. "He wants you." At that she bolted up and began to pace around the neatly done room._

"_No, he always wants the one he can't have. You know that." It hadn't been meant as an accusation or a barbed insult but she knew that was how it sounded. "He wouldn't leave you, even as he was asking me to stay he admitted that."_

"_Not being able to leave me is not the same thing as wanting me over you." Sad eyes met sad eyes as both friends knew once again one boy was threatening their lifelong friendship._

"_This was over in high school. He made his choice then and reaffirmed it the night you went to Las Vegas, and again the day your daughter was born, and the day he married you. I'm just the road not travelled, a spark of curiosity nothing more." The other woman tore her gaze away and shook her head sadly._

"_It wasn't over then, but it is now. I'm done. I filed for divorce." She was stunned. This just could not happen. After all the years of torment they simply had to be together. They were supposed to be epic weren't they?_

"_You're being crazy, you just need to talk to him. He loves you and your daughter. We both know that. Peyton he loves you, he wants you, he married you. I'm just a footnote in your love story." The hollow laughter from her friend disturbed her._

"_Why didn't you tell me? I've spent the whole plane ride just going over everything in my head. I was labouring under the obviously wrong belief that the reason Lucas had such animosity towards Julian was our history. But the more I think about it the more I see they managed to work together well, until you. How many guys did you date in high school post-Lucas? Let's see Felix, the summer guys, Chris, Chase and me there was Jake and Pete. Lucas liked them both. He hated every guy you dated, even Chase. Deep down, sure he likes him now but then…so what do they all have in common? You. He hated them and still hates in Julian's case, simply because he's jealous. He was never jealous when it came to me." Brooke was surprised by the bang as her hand connected with the table top to silence Peyton. The blonde jumped and broke off, leaving the room silent for a minute while Brooke gathered her thoughts. She took deep calming breaths, but they did little to settle her._

"_Just listen to yourself, no wonder you're in such a state if that crap has been going round your head for almost 6 hours. You read Ravens how many times Peyton? That entire book was you!"_

"_The Comet was you – or so I'm now told." Brooke felt a little of her soul die at the words and she cursed Lucas for having said this to Peyton, to his wife._

"_Nonsense Peyton, we all knew it was you the second we read it. Even Lindsey." This time it was Peyton banging things as her cell phone rang and she threw it against the wall. Brooke didn't need to ask to know it was Lucas._

"_Listen to me and listen carefully, I am sick of being epic. I was epic Brooke, my love for Lucas was epic. It transcended everything, even our friendship. Because we both know I was willing to give you up for him. But OUR love was not epic. If it had been then he wouldn't have been so in love with you, if you'd have told him back then that I'd told you I loved him the night of the rehearsal dinner you think he'd have come to me – ever the way he felt about you then. My love was epic, his wasn't." Brooke sighed deeply and pushed a hand through her hair. She finally sank down onto the sofa beside Peyton._

"_If love being epic means screwing me over to have the other person then trust me his love for you was. Peyton since the two of you got it together after Lindsey he has barely spoke to me. He gave up our friendship to have you. A year ago if Lucas had said all this I might have given it a little more credibility, but truth be told things have changed a lot in the past year and the two friends who played with Angie together are not the same people anymore – so how could he possibly love me when he no longer knows me like he did." Peyton let out a yawn and tiredly rubbed her eyes, she'd not slept in over a day and it was beginning to hit her now._

"_If that's the reason why he can't possibly love you then apply the rule to us. Lucas and I hadn't exactly been close while you two were dating but I said I loved him, and we got together. And after 5 years apart Brooke we couldn't have known each other less than we did when he called me out the blue to go to Vegas." The phone rang interrupting them and they glanced at one another, both with a good idea of who could possibly be on the other end of the phone. Brooke tentatively got up and walked over to the phone, her finger hovered over the answer button, not completely sure she could handle any of this. She swallowed and answered the call, very aware of Peyton's eyes on her._

"_Hello?" Relief washed through her entire body and calmness prevailed upon hearing his voice. It seemed as though her whole world was right just knowing he was there. She felt almost coy in front of Peyton and he could sense something in her voice was off, he made the decision then and there that his meeting would wait and he had to go home. They both bid the other I love you and goodbye before hanging up._

"_I assume that was Julian." Brooke clasped the phone to her chest in both hands her back to Peyton, trying to draw his strength through the phone into her to deal with this mess. She finally replaced the handset in the base unit and turned back to Peyton._

"_Yeah it was." Peyton slowly licked her lips._

"_Does he know?" Brooke was unsure whether to be glad of being interrupted so she didn't have to answer the previous question or worried over the new line of questioning._

"_Honestly Peyton it seemed so silly and unimportant, so unlikely to be genuine that I didn't bother telling him simply because there were more important things to deal with."_

"_Like?" Brooke knew she'd trapped herself there._

"_The house, the wedding…our baby." Peyton's face betrayed the shock at Brooke's words._

"_You're pregnant?" She nodded slowly._

"_We only found out last week, well I did a test last week. The doctor confirmed it two days ago. It's still very early so we weren't going to say anything to anyone. Thankfully the wedding is just two months away so I'll only be about 13 weeks by then. Though I guess I'll hear a lot of shotgun remarks, especially when Victoria finds out." She knew she was rambling but it's what she did when she was nervous, they both knew that. "So you see Peyton, there's no chance of what Lucas said being real, like I said road not travelled and all that. Just stress and sleep deprivation. He loves you and married you and you have Sawyer, I have Julian and we have our baby. Everything is as it should be." Her tone seemed too bright even to her. It seemed like the silence between them stretched out for an eternity until Peyton finally spoke._

"_I've not slept for a while and I'm tired, can I stay here for a day or so?" She nodded. Peyton stood and seemed ready to follow where she would lead. Unsure of what else to say to fill the silence Brooke said nothing leaving both women with their own thoughts. Brooke swung the door to the guest bedroom open, a small smile on her face knowing that by this time next year the large bed and neutral décor would be replaced by colourful walls, a crib and toys. Peyton walked past her and perched on the edge of the downy bed. "I'm going to take a nap." Brooke nodded and escaped, both glad to be alone again. She hurried down the stairs, wanting to get as far away from Peyton as she could. She had no idea whether anything she'd said to her meant anything. She felt an urge to pour herself a brandy to steady her nerves but held back. She took a glass from the cabinet next to the fridge and put a few cubes of ice in before filling it from the cold filtered supply from the fridge door. The cool liquid soothed her lips and throat, both burned from the intensity of the past hour. The click of the door stopped her mid-flow and she placed the glass on the worktop before slipping silently towards the door. She relaxed the second she saw him and was in his arms before either of them knew it. He softly placed a kiss on the top of her head as he held her close and drank in her fragrance._

"_What's wrong Brooke? You sounded so upset on the phone." She wriggled against him trying to get closer, though it would be impossible to do so._

"_She's here. She said she's divorcing him because of me."_

The entire jumbled mess came spilling from her mouth then, and she recalled how well Julian had reacted to it all. He soothed her and reassured her. Peyton had slept the rest of the afternoon and was still asleep when they'd gone to bed. The next morning Brooke had found a note from her saying she still intended going through with the divorce and that as far as she was concerned it would be many a year before she'd be ready to see or talk to Brooke again. Logically Brooke knew that she had not destroyed their marriage. Lucas had destroyed their marriage and he had destroyed her friendship with both Peyton and himself. While Los Angeles had never felt like home in some ways it was better. There was no drama here like there was in small towns like Tree Hill. But in truth she bitterly missed her friends. She missed being able to see Haley whenever she liked, and Jamie. Nathan and she barely spoke these days. He held her leaving against her – still. On impulse she snatched the cordless and punched in Julian's cell number.

"Hi it's me, I know you're probably still mid-flight and won't get this until you touchdown in L.A. but you know me well enough to know I get this idea into my head and it won't go. And with this one I figure I best say it now otherwise I'll only chicken out. It's been almost 11 years now baby and I think it's time I visited home. I miss Tree Hill, I miss Hales, Nate and Jamie. Nathan still hasn't forgiven me for leaving and he's still upset we've never visited them and we always make them come here. And honestly I've been thinking about Peyton. I miss her too and I figure if we happen to be in the same town for once and happen to bump into each other then maybe now so much time has passed there's a chance we can maybe salvage something from our friendship. I'd love our kids to meet Sawyer too. They were supposed to grow up together and be best friends like we were – well maybe without the boy drama. Anyway I'm going to go now because at this rate you'll still be listening to this message when you walk in the door. I love you Julian, I can't wait until you're home." As Brooke rolled back across the bed to place the cordless back on Julian's bedside chest she heard the click of the door and seconds later felt movement as a small body bounced on the bed.

"Was that daddy you were talking to? Is he home?" Brooke opened her arms wide for her younger daughter to snuggle into her. Hannah obliged and Brooke cuddled the 7 year old close.

"I was just leaving daddy a voicemail for when he lands. He'll still be on the plane right now baby." Hannah wrapped her small arms around her mother, the two becoming tightly entwined.

"Mommy I miss him." Brooke smiled and kissed her daughter's head.

"I miss him too darling. But he should be home by lunchtime. How about you girls skip school today and we make daddy's favourite cookies for when he gets home?" Brooke didn't usually allow the girls to stay home from school on days when Julian came home, but this time had been a particularly long trip and she knew how much the girls missed him. Truth be told she just didn't think she could wait the extra few hours it would be between Julian arriving and school letting out for them to be under the same roof as a family again.

"Did I just hear you say we could skip school?" Sophie was stood barefoot in the doorway with her brother in her arms. At the sight of his mother Tyler began to squirm until Sophie placed him on unsteady feet and he stumbled over to the bed. Brooke twisted down to scoop her son up and plopped him down in the small space between her legs and Hannah's. Sophie then scrambled up onto the bed to join them.

"I sure did, I thought we could make daddy's favourite cookies for when he gets home."

"You really miss him don't you mom?" At ten years old Sophie was incredibly aware of the essence of her parents' marriage. Brooke was sure that she was too intelligent for her own, or their good. But she'd always been that way. Sophie had most certainly inherited her father's personality if not his looks. Sophie often slipped her hand into Brooke's for a reassuring squeeze as they waved Julian off, as if aware of the fact that though all three children missed their father no one could possibly miss him as much as their mother did. Before she had chance to answer her daughter there was a knock at the door. Brooke scrambled from the bed and grabbed her robe, wrapping it around her body as she hurried to the door. Her blood went cold as she opened it to the police.

"Mrs Brooke Baker?"


	2. Peyton

**Song is Michael Jackson – She's Out of My Life**

**Italics is a flashback  
**

Peyton sighed deeply as the knock on the door disturbed her drawing. It never seemed like there was a second's peace these days. The sight that greeted her both delighted and terrified her – almost equally. Peyton Sawyer had never considered herself anti-establishment, nor was she straight down the line. She'd always liked to see herself as a little off average. Be it her nature or her past she was never quite the average suburban teenager, wife or then mother. Somewhere along the line that changed, she married the man of her dreams and they had a beautiful daughter. Until the truth came out and she took that daughter and walked away. And she was the same old Peyton, she didn't want the settled down suburban life after she'd been so badly burned by it. Until her daughter turned 11 – and was brought home after being caught shoplifting. That day marked an enormous change for herself, Sawyer and the police chief who'd delivered her home.

Mark Greenberg was young for a police chief, he was just 35 years old when he was promoted after his predecessor retired due to bad health. Mark loved his job, despite the bad hours, the endless paperwork and the fact that nothing much happened in a small town like Tree Hill. His office was short staffed due to a bout of food poisoning and he was the one to respond to the call about a child shoplifting. He arrived at the store to find the adorable 11 year old blonde haired blue eyed girl. Technically there was nothing he could do due to her age, the store had wanted an officer to come down, talk to her and take her home. Which is exactly what he planned to do. What he didn't plan on was taking the girl home and finding her door opened by an angel, or so he later told Peyton.

Almost two years had passed since Sawyer had been returned to her by police chief Mark Greenberg, and 6 months ago the police chief had proposed to the woman he'd been dating since the day Sawyer got caught shoplifting. So when Peyton opened her door to a knock and found her police chief fiancé Mark Greenberg stood there she was delighted, however she was terrified. There was no way he'd be here, in his uniform with such a serious expression on his face if he wasn't here on business.

After her initial foray into shoplifting and the subsequent ride home in the back of a police car Sawyer had not reformed. In the past two years it had literally been one thing after another with her. Peyton had long since stopped thinking that she'd go back to being her sweet little girl. Then again, when had she ever really been HER sweet little girl?

"Hey you." His voice was soft and breathy and she instantly wanted to be in his arms, but she had to respect that he had not come here as her fiancé – he'd come here as chief of police and she knew Sawyer was close to her last warning. She was lucky with Mark, he was able to make a lot of Sawyer's activities fly under the radar and avoid a black mark on her record. But as she was getting older it was getting harder to do so. Peyton stepped back to let his large, muscular frame through the door. She didn't bother to sit nor did she tell him to.

"What she do this time?" Peyton fully expected to be told her daughter had been caught shoplifting again – her usual crime. Sawyer often ran out on bills at cafes and restaurants and it made life difficult. There were few places left in Tree Hill where Peyton was able to go for a meal or a coffee because of her daughter's antics.

"Babe, Sawyer was found with several others, all older than she is. One guy in particular Justin Cooper, he's known to us for joyriding. Sawyer was found with them, in a stole vehicle, all of them had clearly been drinking." Peyton stumbled back and managed to rest a hand against the wall to stop her falling. Mark rushed to her side and gently eased her into a chair. He disappeared off as she tried to process the information she'd just been given. When he came back he handed her a glass of water which she accepted.

"This one isn't going to go away is it?" Mark sighed deeply and sat beside her.

"Peyton, Cooper's been caught a couple of times now. I talked to her, before we interviewed her. I told her to say she met up with them after they'd got the car. That they told her it was a friend's. But I'm not doing this anymore. What I'm doing is wrong and sooner or later she is going to have to face the consequences of her actions. The fact we can pin the blame for all this on Cooper is a blessing. I just can't wait for us to be married and this transfer to go through." Mark had been offered a transfer and Peyton had been more than happy to go with him. The sooner she and Sawyer left Tree Hill the better.

"Where is she?" The look he gave her told her everything she needed to know and she exploded at him. "What the hell is she doing there? I figured you'd come to tell me so I could go get her, but taking her there!" Mark stood to face her and shook his head.

"Peyton she called him. My job is to hand her over to a parent. I did that."

"Oh great hide behind your job, but we both know she should be with me right now. Not him, like he's going to lay down the law to her." And with that she stormed into the kitchen to grab her car keys. She heard Mark's frustrated shout and the sound of his fist connecting with her wall. It was a familiar scene and a familiar argument. Some days she wondered how the two of them had lasted this long, let alone were preparing to be married. Sawyer certainly didn't make things easy for them. In fact she was probably the only thing they fought about. Her tyres screeched as she reversed out the driveway and again as she tore off down the street. She cursed under her breath once again. She'd just about lost patience with her daughter. She pulled up sharply outside the house that was once, briefly, her home. She marched up to the door and began to pound with her fist. A very angry blond flung the door open.

"What the hell did my door ever do to you?" She briefly wondered how on earth she had ever loved this man so passionately and how he had loved her. If anyone looked at them now they'd simply never believe that they'd been in love. She'd experienced it and wasn't sure she believed it either.

"How dare you bring her here!" She spat at him before pushing him aside to gain access to the house. He turned round and left the door wide open, a sure sign he had every intention of getting her out of his house as soon as he could.

"She is my daughter you know Peyton. I have every right to have her here, and besides she wants to be here. If she wanted to be at home with you she wouldn't have called me." She snorted her contempt at him.

"Yeah Luke, genius. I wonder why she called you and not me. Oh yeah because daddy doesn't get mad or shout or tell her to stop being a juvenile delinquent. Daddy panders to her every whim. I can't imagine why she'd choose you. Wake up Lucas. This is serious with her." It was his turn to snort at her then.

"You think I hadn't realised that. And you're right I don't shout and scream at her. I saw how well it was working for you and decided to actually try and talk to her." She just rolled her eyes at him. Sanctimonious pain in the ass, she despised the fact he always had to be the good guy. He never seemed to understand that parenting wasn't always about being popular.

"Oh and what key points have you uncovered?"

"She wants to come and live with me Peyton."

"No way in hell."

"We never actually made a custody agreement, not properly Peyton and I could push for one now. Let's face it she wants to be here. And the fact that you're getting married and dragging her away from her family and friends isn't in your favour. Have you ever considered that's why she's acting out?"

"You're a fool if you believe all that Lucas. I met Mark because of her problems, her problems didn't start after I started dating him. And yes I want to take her away from this place that's never brought anything but chaos and hurt and bad memories."

"You're punishing me still Peyton by taking her away. This is not my fault. You walked away from this marriage! You are not taking her away, I won't let you and she doesn't want to."

"Don't you dare blame me for our marriage being dead, not after what you did to it."

"I loved you Peyton, I was the one who wanted to stay married to you, who wanted our family." She snorted at him again.

"For the wrong reasons. You think I was really about to play second best to a memory. You're a weak, pathetic man and I deserve better than you."

"You're a manipulative, self-obsessed selfish bitch."

"Stop it!" Their slanging match was interrupted by the shout of their child. With panda eyes and a dishevelled appearance it was clear to Peyton that she'd actually been asleep. "Why do you always do this?" The accusation was not meant for both her parents and Peyton felt once again that she was being painted as the villain. "You left daddy and yet you blame him."

"Don't get involved in something you don't understand Sawyer."

"Maybe I do understand it. I understand that daddy has a photo in his room, hidden away, of a girl with brown hair and dimples. I understand that the picture of you, daddy and uncle Nathan and aunt Haley back in high school that you have in your studio is the same picture aunt Haley has in her living room, except she hasn't cut the other girl out. I know that girl is called Brooke because Jamie has told me all about her. About how she's his aunt Brooke, that she grew up with you all. That daddy wrote a book a long time ago about how he was in love with her before he fell in love with you. I know that they go visit her wherever she is. I know I was named after her despite the fact you're so careful to never ever mention my middle name. I know she left after I was born."

"Then you still don't understand. You never could even if you tried." Truth was Peyton had no idea her daughter knew anything at all about Brooke Davis. "Be home by ten in the morning at the latest." Tired and unable to fight she left the house as quick as she'd stormed into it. She climbed into her car and let her head rest defeated against the wheel.

When they'd first divorced Lucas had been amicable with her, and she tried her best to do the same for Sawyer's sake. She'd eventually managed to become almost friends with her ex husband by placing all the blame for the end of her marriage squarely on Brooke Davis' shoulders. It was how she coped with it all.

_**She's Out Of My Life  
She's Out Of My Life  
And I Don't Know Whether To Laugh Or Cry  
I Don't Know Whether To Live Or Die  
And It Cuts Like A Knife  
She's Out Of My Life**_

_**It's Out Of My Hands  
It's Out Of My Hands  
To Think For Two Years She Was Here  
And I Took Her For Granted I Was So Cavalier  
Now The Way That It Stands  
She's Out Of My Hands**_

_**So I've Learned That Love's Not Possession  
And I've Learned That Love Won't Wait  
Now I've Learned That Love Needs Expression  
But I Learned Too Late**_

_**She's Out Of My Life  
She's Out Of My Life  
Damned Indecision And Cursed Pride  
Kept My Love For Her Locked Deep Inside  
And It Cuts Like A Knife  
She's Out Of My Life**_

"_My god Lucas this is so depressing. Why on earth have you got this on repeat?" Peyton pulled wide the curtains in the living room to let the bright sunshine flood in. once the light hit her husband she noticed the blood shot eyes and saw the whisky bottle at his feet. He'd been acting strangely for a while now, her appeal to Nathan to figure out what was wrong hadn't brought her any answers. She began to tidy up the pile of papers he'd obviously knocked off the coffee table and found the invite to Brooke's wedding. "I better fill this out and send it back to her. I can't believe Brooke Penelope Davis is getting married." To Peyton life was perfect. Here she was married to Lucas and they had a beautiful daughter, and her two best friends were either happily married or soon to be happily married._

"_I won't be going with you." Peyton's smile faded. Lucas hadn't been Julian's biggest fan. She didn't blame him too much. His existence and what he had once meant to her had been a shock. But she felt certain that ill will had been put aside to work together and over time had faded._

"_Don't be ridiculous. What happened with Julian and I was a hundred years ago, I love you and he loves Brooke."_

"_It's not about you – it's about her."_

"_What do you mean?" A large part of her told her not to ask. To accept his decision and not push things._

"_I will not watch her get married."_

"_To Julian?" He shook his head sadly._

"_To anyone." And there it was. That nagging doubt that had been with her for so long. She hadn't imagined the looks he had given Brooke when she left. She had tried to write his permanent bad mood off as a result of his writer's block._

"_Why was she so distant when she goodbye to you?" Peyton found the words coming out of her mouth as quickly as the well of doubts pooled in her mind, and though she knew she wouldn't like the answers she couldn't stop the questions._

"_I told her not to go."_

_  
"When?"_

"_I went to see her as soon as Haley told me she was going." The wind knocked out of her she sank slowly into the couch._

"_But why?"_

"_Because I love her, and I don't want her to be with Julian – or anyone."_

"_You were going to leave me for her?" His bloodshot eyes stared into hers._

"_No of course not. I love you and our daughter. I'd never leave you."_

"_You can't love her – you just can't. You wrote two books about how much you love me." He shook his head sadly._

"_I wrote a book about how I found a true brother in an old enemy and the people we shared our time with along the way. Ravens needed an end game couple and you and I were together. The Comet was…it was Brooke." And right then her world shattered._

"_Then why ask me to marry you, in Vegas."_

"_I love you both."_

Peyton felt the tears in her eyes as she remembered the day she found out the husband she loved more than she thought she'd ever love anyone was also in love with her best friend. They were right, she was the one to walk away from the marriage. But surely it was the logical thing to do. She had been prepared to spend forever with the man she loved. She'd fought for that man for 7 years, only for him to say that essentially she just wasn't enough. It would have been impossible to stay with him after that, because the thing she realised was that never once in all those years had Brooke fought for Lucas, she had simply walked away. Which merely served to tell Peyton that if she had fought and Brooke hadn't then she couldn't really be sure of anything. For the question that was in her head had been – and she knew would linger for as long as she was with Lucas would always be, if Brooke had fought for Lucas who would he have chosen?

So Peyton had spent years being civil to Lucas and blaming Brooke never once contacting her friend after disappearing from L.A. she made a point of ensuring Haley never spoke of her and she had no idea what had become of her former best friend. Peyton sometimes thought she should have seen all these problems coming, Sawyer had always been a daddy's girl. By the time she hit double figures she had questions about why her parents were not together. Peyton had always insisted that despite the fact they had loved each other once it didn't last. Since Sawyer had been acting out the civil relationship between the co-parents had disintegrated. Peyton hated the fact Sawyer preferred being with Lucas and blamed it squarely on him being the lax parent. She had always hoped she would had the relationship with her daughter that she missed out on having with her mother – obviously that just wasn't to be. Sighing deeply she started the car and drove home. As she stepped into the house she noticed the note pinned to her studio door. She smiled, knowing what it contained without reading it. An apology for the harsh words and the dint in the wall. A promise that he'd fix it when he was on his day off. And a request that she call him. Mark had played football in high school, he still possessed the body of a quarterback at age 37. She'd never found herself attracted to that type of man before. Mark was a real man's man – outside the house. But at the beginning he often surprised her with his caring and thoughtfulness. And when he wrapped his arms around her the world melted away and she felt safe. She had no idea when she'd become the woman who craved safety and stability but Mark seemed to provide her with everything she needed and he made her happy so she didn't bother to question the change in her. Looking at the clock it had now reached 6p.m. and after the day she'd had she didn't consider it too early for a drink. She pulled open the fridge and saw that Mark had thankfully put a bottle of wine in the fridge for her, he'd obviously seen the one in there had barely half a glass left in it. Pouring it into a glass she leaned against the counter and tiredly rubbed her eyes. The knock on her door stopped her taking the first much needed sip of chilled pinot. She placed the glass on the counter and went to open her door. Her mouth dropped and she felt panic at the state of the person on the other side.


	3. Haley

The sound of the door slamming was quickly followed by the sound of a vase smashing as it hit the door. The tears that streamed down her face were a mixture of anger and hurt. The argument was a familiar one in their home. Since Nathan had retired 10 months ago it was common place. Haley had told her husband 8 years ago that she wanted to try for another baby, and he'd convinced her that it was best to wait until he retired from the NBA. That he wouldn't be a proper father until then, and so she'd agreed. He had a valid point and she was relatively happy to wait. But when Nathan had retired he'd informed her that he no longer wanted another baby. Jamie was going to be graduating from high school the following year. Nathan had informed her that the time for more children had passed. She was furious, she had waited for him and now to be told that he'd changed his mind was beyond her understanding. And so they fought – regularly. All the years of him working away and travelling their marriage had remained rock solid. He'd been home permanently for ten months and they were falling apart.

"Mom?" She looked up to find her son stood in the doorway. Wordlessly he came and wrapped his arms around her. At 17 years old James Lucas Scott was the image of his father. Sometimes Haley would look at him and remember the man she'd fallen in love with. Jamie had a love of basketball like his father, but was enough like his mother to excel at school.

"I'm sorry you had to hear that." She wondered why she apologised, truth was Jamie had probably heard almost every fight they'd had in the past few months. At first Haley had been certain she'd be able to change Nathan's mind. But the more she tried the more he pulled away from her and their marriage. He told her they were too old. She countered with the argument that some people were having their first child at their age or even older. He was spending more time away from home now than he did when he was playing basketball. She felt robbed by his change of heart.

"Maybe you should go the studio mom, it always makes you feel better." She almost answered that it didn't make her feel better these days – but that would be saying too much.

"No I should clean up the broken vase."

"Mom, uncle Luke called. He said he and Peyton got into it again, he said to warn you that Peyton might be on the warpath because Sawyer brought up Aunt Brooke." Haley shook her head despairingly. She wished she were Jamie's age again. As complicated as it had felt to be 17 it was nothing like as complicated as it was to be 35. Despite all their ups and downs at 17 they were all friends. And they were all in Tree Hill. "Mom, why did it all change?" She sighed deeply and pulled a stool from the bar and sat down heavily in it. Jamie leant across the counter and cupped his hands around hers.

"I'm not sure it did. Trouble is Jamie, your uncle Lucas loved two women and even when he should have stopped loving one of them he couldn't."

"So the entire mess is uncle Lucas' fault?" Haley shook her head sadly.

"No Jamie, nothing in life is ever that simple."

"_Peyton left you both?" Stunned didn't even begin to cover how Haley felt at hearing Lucas inform her that his wife and Sawyer's mother had walked out on them. Haley hadn't realised the marriage was in so much trouble. Peyton had been complaining about Lucas' mood for a while now. But even Peyton herself had insisted it was nothing more than his frustration over his writer's block._

"_She's gone to L.A." Haley breathed a sigh of relief. Peyton hadn't really left – and if she had Brooke would definitely talk some sense into her. "I told Brooke I loved her before she left, and I told Peyton that I loved Brooke too." Haley shook her head._

"_You cannot be that stupid. You told your wife that you love her best friend."_

_  
"I love them both Hales you know I always have."_

"_I know you asked Peyton to be your wife, she had your child and still you can't make a decision."_

"_I know I'm the asshole here Hales, I get that. I never should have told Peyton what happened. The morning I spoke to Brooke, I never knew before then that when she told me to go to Peyton at the Championship game that she was setting me free."_

_  
"Who cares what she was doing Luke. This isn't high school, it's not a game. At least they both realise that now." His blood shot eyes shot up at her words and she cursed herself._

"_What games did they play?"_

_  
"It doesn't matter anymore."_

"_Sure it does, to me. To my life. Haley if you know something then tell me. Maybe it'll make a final decision." Haley scoffed doubtful there'd ever be a day when Lucas could make a decision._

"_Brooke made a play for you when she knew Peyton liked you but wouldn't admit it. Peyton went behind Brooke's back with you. She also – my rehearsal dinner she told Brooke she loved you."_

"_Peyton told my girlfriend who had no reason to trust either of us that she loved me. And then for no reason a day later my girlfriend breaks up with me, apparently because she stopped missing me. But we all knew that was crap."_

"_All true Luke, but answer me this if you really loved Brooke would you have gone to Peyton, regardless of having her blessing or not? You wrote in your book the words__ 'we had always been meant for each other and every instinct to the contrary had simply been a denial of the following truth - I was now and would always be in love with Peyton Sawyer.' So don't try telling me that it was Brooke you wanted." Haley was getting increasingly angry with her best friend._

"_I also told Brooke Davis I was the guy for her." Haley snorted her contempt._

"_Yeah and then you told her that you weren't."_

"_I was hurting." Haley shook her head despairingly._

"_Luke that is all high school. We were kids. But you and Peyton have an actual life together, as adults. You and Brooke were never more than a passing high school romance and the sooner you realise how true that is the sooner you can work on convincing your wife she's the one for you."_

"_A passing high school romance? Is that really what you all think of what we had?"_

"_Yeah Luke it is, even she thinks it." Haley could see the hurt reflected in Lucas' eyes but it really was for the best he knew the truth. The sooner he saw what everyone else did the sooner the lunacy would be over._

"_She was my first real love. Maybe it passed because neither of us were ever willing to fight for it, whereas Peyton was always willing to fight for me. Everyone thought you and Nathan were a fleeting high school romance and look at you now. The only difference between me and Brooke and you and Nathan is that you guys fought for each other and we didn't."_

At the time she'd dismissed his words, she and Nathan were meant to be – as were Lucas and Peyton. Though she loved Brooke she was a distraction, a road block for Lucas and Peyton like Chris had been for her and Nathan. But now she wondered if he was more right than she'd acknowledged at the time. The thing that scared her more than that though was the idea that she and Nathan should have left their relationship in high school like Brooke and Lucas did, rather than what Lucas had meant when he'd said it – that he and Brooke should have tried harder. When she really examined the six people used in the analogy she saw how similar the trios were. Brooke and Lucas were poles apart, Lucas and Peyton were startling similar. Brooke and Lucas were a fling, Lucas and Peyton were the real thing. She and Nathan were poles apart, she and Chris had been so similar. With the state of her marriage the way it was she questioned whether she and Nathan should have conceded to their differences rather than celebrated them.

But was any of it right or were they just coincidences. Peyton and Lucas certainly were no longer the real thing that everyone had thought they were. In fact the man Peyton was preparing to marry was like day to Lucas' night. He was the stereotypical, strapping, wholesome, good-mannered boy done good. Mark took things at face value where both Peyton and Lucas over analysed things. If Mark was similar in nature to anyone it would be Brooke, their sunny personalities matched like Lucas and Peyton's brooding ones. So if Peyton was happy with Mark, her polar opposite then maybe Brooke and Lucas could have been happy. Maybe it meant she and Nathan were right for one another and this was just another obstacle for them to overcome. Haley surmised life was full of what ifs. The paths they could have taken. But fact was life was what it was. The Brooke/Lucas/Peyton triangle was entirely dead now. Peyton happy with Mark, Brooke with Julian and Lucas ended up alone thus far. Maybe he deserved that for toying with two women. Haley would never condone his actions but she had developed a deeper sympathy with him over the years. Particularly now, Peyton blamed him for her strained relationship with Sawyer, while there was the small fact she didn't know the truth behind her parent's divorce Sawyer's rebellion had reached a peak since Peyton had announced once she and Mark were married they'd be moved away from Tree Hill. Lucas was, despite what Peyton thought doing his best to convince his daughter the move wouldn't be as bad as she thought it would be, though how good a job he could do while his heart was breaking at the prospect was anyone's guess.

"So basically Uncle Lucas screwed up and has spent the last decade paying for it." Jamie's voice disturbed her thoughts and while she'd been raking over the past she'd forgotten he was there.

"Sometimes we just need to blame someone, even when it's not their fault, or not entirely anyway. Truth is they were all guilty of someone. Lucas of playing with them both, Brooke of being too selfless, and Peyton of being blinded to anything but her own wants and feelings. But Brooke broke away and made a good and happy life for herself. Lucas and Peyton are trapped in the past and I don't see that changing anytime soon." Jamie pulled a face pondering his mother's words.

"I wonder why she gave up in the end."

"Peyton?" Jamie nodded. Haley sighed. "You only have so much fight in you. Eventually there's nothing left." And they both knew that Haley was no longer discussing Peyton, but considering her own marriage.

"If you wanted to leave him I wouldn't blame you, neither of you are happy anymore and I don't want to stay if you don't want to." Jamie's maturity shocked her and left her core shaken. If she was entirely honest despite the mess of her marriage she hadn't considered ending it. But with the idea in her head and the truth in her belly she started to think it wouldn't be about whether she wanted her marriage or not, but whether Nathan wanted it to work. She didn't think she'd be too hurt if the answer was no. She'd once felt consumed with her love for him, now all she felt was regret when she looked at his face.

"Jamie I don't know what's in store. But I love you and I would never want to mess your life up like Deb and Dan did to your dad. Sometimes though even your parents will make mistakes that they can't undo no matter how much they wish they could." With that in mind Haley made the decision to stop putting off what she didn't want to do, bite the bullet and just find out where her life was heading for certain. "I have to go out honey, how about you get some friends round and get yourselves pizza for dinner." Possibly not the most responsible parenting but Jamie certainly deserved a level of trust most teenagers could not be issued with. A kiss to his head and Haley was grabbing her purse and out the door.

* * *

Peyton opened the door and stared at Haley for second, Haley could tell just how bad she looked from Peyton's expression. She pushed her way into the house, spying the glass of wine on the counter she grasped the stem and down the clear liquid in seconds.

"And I thought I was having a bad day." Haley managed a shaky smile at Peyton's remark.

"I think Nathan is going to leave me." Peyton laughed at her and Haley wished she could see the funny side.

"Don't be ridiculous, a few fights does not a marriage end." Haley shook her head mournfully.

"I'm pregnant." Peyton's sympathetic gaze brought tears to her eyes and Haley welcomed the comfort of her friend's arms – knowing that soon she'd no longer deserve them.

"Haley I know Nathan doesn't want a baby but he knows you do. So he won't be happy at first that you obviously haven't been using birth control but he'll be fine in a few weeks. Happy even – he certainly won't leave you." Peyton pulled back from Haley as she spoke and Haley wished for the contact just so she wouldn't have to see the look in Peyton's eyes when she told her the truth.

"If that were the case I know you're right, but see the thing is what Nathan when I tell him and what I know that you don't is that there is no possible way this baby could be Nathan's." The air was stifling following the dropping of Haley's bombshell and she wished she could have another drink to calm her. Then again she reasoned it was doubtful that anything would calm her at this point. She'd craved a baby for such a long time and now she was actually pregnant she'd give anything not to be.

"How can it not be Nathan's?" Haley heard the shock in Peyton's voice just as she could read it in her eyes. Despite the fact high school was a million years ago everyone still saw her and sweet Haley James.

"We've been fighting a lot, we haven't been close in months. Since before he left the NBA. Since he's been home when we're not fighting we're like strangers. A few weeks ago we had an awful fight and I went to the studio – you know how music soothes the soul. Well Josh was laying down one his new tracks when I got there. He saw the mess I was and he went out to the bar and got us a bottle of whiskey. He just listened – at first. But then he started saying all the things Nathan never does. That I was funny and beautiful and smart. That I was talented and that Nathan didn't appreciate just how much I'd given up for him. And then he kissed me." Haley admitted she'd been at a low point that night and Josh had given her exactly what she'd needed at the time.

"Haley he is only 4 years older than your son!" Haley sighed.

"I know exactly how old he is, god knows I've worked with him long enough, before he could even buy whiskey to get older women drunk. Peyton he just made 18 again just for a night, like I had chances and possibilities left when I've so stuck lately. The fact that he really appreciated my talent and what I've got to offer when Nathan has completely forgotten there was ever anything special about me, it just made it seem like age was unimportant."

"Do you have feelings for him, I mean is this what you want?" Haley laughed.

"God no, I wanted Nathan to finish with the NBA come home and have a baby with me. Josh is just a kid still. When I was 21 my son was 3, I don't regret Jamie but you still so much of your own future at that age. How do I tell him that he's going to be a father? How do I tell Nathan that I'm having someone else's baby?"

"Maybe you don't have to." Haley looked into her friend's eyes shocked to even hear the words. True this was not how she imagined her second child would come about – but there was no way she could consider anything other than having her baby given how long she'd wanted another child.

"This is my baby Peyton." Peyton sighed before forcing a weak smile onto her face and enveloping Haley into her arms.

"Then you just have to do, like ripping off a band aid. The sooner the better." But then Haley's cell rang. She smiled despite everything when she saw the caller ID, glanced warily at Peyton before answering.

"Hey how…" Haley trailed off as she heard the crying. Muffled noises as the phone was passed from the caller to another person. And for Haley her problems faded into nothingness. "I'll be there as soon as humanly possible." Peyton gave her a questioning look.

"Peyton it's bad news."


	4. Lucas

It's been a long day for him and he's more than happy to settle down with Sawyer to watch a film. Despite Peyton's belief that he doesn't discipline her he has taken away her cell phone and grounded her. Then again he doesn't really think that she wants to go anywhere anyway. He glances over at her snuggled up with a cushion and blanket over her, eyes staring intently at the screen with a bowl of popcorn resting on her legs he smiles. Despite all the mistakes in his life he can't bring himself to regret a single one – they all brought him to this point. They gave him his beautiful daughter and he would not give her up for anything. But soon he would have to. He had tried his best to ignore the truth since Peyton had told him, but fact was when Peyton married Mark and they moved with his job Sawyer would no longer be here. And he would love her just the same but she would be less of his daughter and he would be less of a father to her just because she wouldn't be near him. The times he'd lost her over the years had always proved difficult, but it was a comfort to him now that she actively sought his company.

"You do know that you'll be sticking to your mom's curfew of ten a.m. don't you?" His heart was heavy when he said it, knowing that Sawyer would pull away from him at the reminder.

"I could just not go back, like stay with you permanently." She didn't look at him but he knew there would be hope in her eyes to match the tone of her voice. And he wished he could say yes. But despite the lack of any warmth between him and Peyton the strained relationship his ex wife and daughter had he couldn't take Sawyer away from Peyton.

"I know you don't want to move, but it is going to happen. Your mom thinks that given all the trouble you've been in here it's best to make a fresh start."

"First time I shoplifted mom told me she'd done it when she was younger and it wasn't such a big deal so long as I didn't do it again. Mom really hates you you know." It was more of a statement than a true question. But Lucas did already know that Peyton hated him. She was a far cry for the girl he'd fallen in love with, but then he was probably as far removed from the boy she'd fallen in love with as she was from her former self. "I've never really got it, she left you. But now I think I understand. Maybe I hated her and it should have been you, so please don't lie when I ask you this – did you have an affair with mom's old friend? The one I'm named after." Lucas sighed deeply, he didn't know whether he'd ever actually planned on telling Sawyer why he and her mother had broken up. He still wasn't completely certain he knew himself. Apart from the obvious, he always felt there was more, at least for Peyton.

"I might as well have done. Sawyer your mom was adorable and in high school I finally spoke to her. What I never counted on was the fact she'd run away from me, and I would enjoy spending time with her flighty best friend. But that's what happened. I was an ass to both of them, turning your mom into the 'other woman' while I was with Brooke. But somehow we all got past it and we were friends. Then I fell in love for the first time – and it was with Brooke. Brooke never was really able to trust me when it came to your mom, eventually she walked away. She cut herself off from me and your mom and our friendship grew in that time. I didn't realise that your mom was in love with me, but when she finally told me Brooke gave us her blessing and that was that. Your mom and I grew apart after high school and there were years we went without seeing each other, then when she came back I was engaged to someone else. But she still loved me and wanted to make sure I was certain of what I was doing. Eventually Lindsey left me, said that I was meant for your mom. It took a while but I finally agreed with what everyone else said and your mom and I got married and had you. I loved your mom Sawyer and I would never have left her or you for anything. But when Brooke was leaving town to go be with Julian I realised I still loved her too and I went and told her. Later when she was getting married I made the mistake of telling your mom how I felt. Despite the fact I loved your mom, loving them both was not something she could deal with and that's why she left me."

"That's an awful lot for a thirteen year old to take in."

"I'm sorry. I ruined everything, for Brooke, your mom, you and even Haley and Nate got caught in the crossfire."

"The way it is in movies and books if you love someone you can't love anyone else at the same time." Lucas smiled at her softly.

"I know, and even I write it that way. But the truth for me is that Brooke and your mom are at polar opposite ends of the scale I don't think there is anything similar about them. When I fell in love with Brooke there was only her. But when I fell in love with your mom Brooke was already in my heart."

"But you must have loved mom more to marry her." Lucas considered this carefully. There was most certainly a time he imagined having what he had with Peyton with Brooke, marrying her and having children with her. He also remembered their 'plan' for their future together the night they celebrated his novel being published in New York when they were just 19. It might have been Peyton's ring on her finger but as they spoke he could see that future so clearly. And again when she had Angie, it had felt so like the three of them were a family. Yet just days later he was in Vegas planning to marry Peyton. Looking back the lunacy of it all struck him.

"Sawyer your mom and I just fit better than Brooke and I did. With Brooke it was constantly a fight to make it work and I guess loving each other wasn't enough."

"You look sad when you talk about her, think if you and mom had never got back together and got married and then divorced you'd be sad when you talked about her too?"

"Sawyer relationships are complicated. I don't honestly know what would have happened. But fact is they are both happy with their lives, they both met the person they want to be with. Everything else is in the past."

"_But it's not in the past is it Lucas? Unless by past you mean a matter of months ago when you told her to stay and that you loved her." Peyton leaving had snapped him from his depression over Brooke leaving and her impending marriage. Peyton coming back was a blessing – until she'd told him she wanted a divorce._

"_Peyton I said I loved her, but she and I both knew I would never leave you and Sawyer." Peyton's pained green eyes met his and she looked so utterly defeated._

"_Lucas would you leave me?" He began to shake his head._

"_Peyton I just said…" She held her hand up to cut him off._

"_You said you'd never leave me and Sawyer. But that wasn't what I asked. See everything from the last 8 years has been going round in my head and the question that I keep coming up against is this – what if Brooke didn't let you go? See I walked away Jake despite loving him because I loved you more. I wanted to be with you. I came back to Tree Hill for you, and though it makes me seem like an awful person I knew I could get Lindsey to leave because of all people she knew what we meant to each other. Only now I wonder did I even know what we meant to each other? You keep saying to Brooke, yourself, probably Haley and to me that you love us both, but you'd never leave me. The problem is Sawyer comes into that. And I have to know if you'd known how I felt about you and Brooke hadn't walked away and given us her blessing would we have seen high school out together? Would you have proposed to her and not me at the age of 19? Or even if when we both came back and Lindsey had gone and you were together all the time with Angie, if she'd said she wanted that with you would I be the one who went to Vegas with you? Will you never leave because you love me more, or because we have Sawyer together and you won't be Dan?" He wanted to give her the answer she needed to stay – but the problem was she knew when he was lying._

"_If I knew how you felt in high school when I was with Brooke no, if she hadn't left me I don't think you and I would have ended high school together. I don't know if I would have proposed to her when we were 19." He neglected to mention that a considerable crowd of people in New York believed he had done just that. "If we'd stayed together we might have been the new Naley, or we might have burned out. I can't answer that Peyton." She nodded her head along with him, either processing his words or merely accepting that her suspicions were correct._

"_And if she'd fought for you when Angie was here?"_

"_Peyton I called you to marry me in Vegas."_

"_But did you call me because no one else would do, or because you didn't think she'd come?" He had considered calling all three women that night, Brooke included. True she may well have dropped everything to join him in Vegas – but as a friend who was suffering and needed time away from Tree Hill, not as a potential bride. It was on the tip of his tongue to say he'd called her because he knew she'd come. But those were not the words that would allow him to keep his wife._

"_I called you Peyton because I wanted you to marry me." She walked slowly over to the mantel and reached out to trace the lines of their happy smiling faces in their wedding photo._

"_That was the happiest day of my life, all my dreams came that day. I think I wanted to be your wife since I was 16, before I admitted it, before anything even happened. You were strong and smart and sexy, you seemed to get me like no one else. You became my best friend overnight. And that day I became Mrs Peyton Scott, I was carrying your child. Life was just perfect. Trouble is life is never perfect Lucas. Mrs Peyton Elizabeth Scott…Mrs Brooke Penelope Scott. Which do you think sounds better?" He stepped closer to her, hearing her tears rather than seeing them. His hands came to rest on her shoulders but he was too scared to face her._

"_I think Mrs Peyton Scott sounds real. Peyton I can't lie to you and say she was never there. I can't say won't always be there because I loved her and I will always love her. But you're my wife, you're my family, my home." Tears began to fall softly from his eyes as he felt he was loosing this fight._

"_You were so confused back then about why she just walked out your life, it's been 7 years in coming Lucas but here is why she left: she loved you more than she could handle because when it came down to it she knew if she stayed she'd spend forever thinking she was second best. She would live her life wondering when you'd walk away because you realised she wasn't enough." His throat closed up as Peyton spoke. His voice a hoarse whisper when he finally managed to respond._

"_You're not just talking about Brooke are you?" A strangled sob escaped her lips and she turned leaving her wrapped in his arms, her head pressed against his chest while she clung to him. He felt like she was hanging on for dear life._

"_No Lucas I'm not just talking about Brooke." He held her tighter than he thought was possible, knowing in his heart it would be the last time._

"_Doesn't it matter that I love you?"_

"_You don't love me enough, not while she's still in your heart. I can never know whether you'd be with her right now if she'd fought as hard I did, or even fought at all. Lucas Eugene Scott I never thought I would leave you, I didn't know I could. But now it feels I don't have a choice. Now I know how I made Brooke feel, how I made Lindsey feel. I understand just how heartbroken they were to walk away from you, to feel like they were ripping their own heart out and leaving it with you. To feel desolate and know they'll love like they loved with you. All because you can't live your life feeling like you're second choice." Her voice finally broke and the tears replaced her words. Still they clung together, neither willing to end the moment. But both knowing it would._

"Do you still love her?" Lucas smiled at his daughter with knowledge that only years can bring.

"Sawyer it's not possible to love someone when you don't know them, and after ten years with no contact it's safe to say I don't know Brooke Davis anymore, or Baker as she is now. Yes she was my first love and I'll always love her in a way because of that and I do still care about her and wish her only good things. But that was all a long time ago. People move on."

* * *

Lucas pulled up outside Peyton's house at 9:50 the following morning, Sawyer sat sulkily beside him, despite her newfound knowledge of why her parents were not on good terms she still harboured ill will towards her mother and a definite reluctance to return home. Peyton was waiting at the open door when the car stopped and was up and over to them before he'd ever applied the parking brake. She opened the car door to let Sawyer out. The moody teen unbuckled her belt and lowered her head, refusing to look at her mother. Peyton's attention was rooted on Lucas anyway.

"Sawyer you need to go to your room. I have to talk to your dad a minute." Sawyer's head shot up.

"He said I'm grounded and took my cell so don't give out to him about not disciplining me." Peyton shook her head.

"Sawyer I need to talk to him, it's about discipline. I just need to talk to him." The way she sounded filled him with apprehension. He unbuckled his seat belt and got out the car, Sawyer followed his lead and he locked the car before making his way to Peyton's door. His hand rested on Sawyer's shoulder for minute.

"Just go straight to your room honey, I'll come say bye before I go." A look was shared between father and daughter before she disappeared leaving Lucas and Peyton alone.

"Can we call a truce for 5 minutes?" Her words did nothing to allay the growing worry within him. Maybe she was about to inform him they'd be moving sooner than planned. He just nodded not trusting his voice. "Haley stopped by yesterday, while she was here Brooke called. I don't…Brooke didn't really say much. She sounded even from where I was standing hysterical almost, a police officer took the phone. Lucas there's been an accident." His heart contracted at the words.

"Is she okay?" He was unable to stop the words coming out his mouth, unable also to read the look that passed across Peyton's face.

"It wasn't that kind of accident. There was a problem with a plane."

"You mean the one from New York. I saw it on the news. It was flying from JFK to LAX right?" Peyton slowly nodded her head and realisation began to dawn on him.

"They suspect some mechanical failure, crashed soon after take off." She didn't need to say the words for him to know what was next. He began to slowly shake his head.

"No, no Peyton." She nodded her head sadly and tears were in her eyes.

"Haley flew to LA this morning. Nathan and Jamie are joining her tomorrow." Lucas began to pace the narrow confines of Peyton's living room. "I called your mom already, I figured she'd need to know as soon as possible to arrange a flight."

"Yeah Peyton she'd want to be there. So assuming we can make our truce last a little longer considering, should we fly out with Nathan and Jamie do you think? Or maybe we should leave Sawyer with Mark, you think that's a better idea?"

"Actually Lucas, I'm not going." He pulled up short from his pacing and stared disbelievingly into her face.

"You're not going?"

"Well given the last decade I think it would be hypocritical of me to go."

"Well the last decade has been no different for me yet I wouldn't dream of not going."

"We both know it's different for you."

"Yeah it is, I have a heart." Leaving her with that stinging barb he marched across to Sawyer's room. He bid her farewell, and in response to her plea to tell him what was wrong all he managed to choke out was to ask her mother.


	5. Nathan

Nathan tiredly rubbed his face and cursed being on such an early flight. With the effortlessness of any teenager Jamie had managed to drop off within half an hour of take off.

"What did Haley say when you spoke to her last night?" Nathan only wished his brother had managed to drop off as well as his son. He may have become his best friend over the years but when it came down to it Lucas' friendship with Haley bore much deeper roots, and he had no idea just what Lucas knew about the state of his marriage – not that Lucas could possibly judge.

"The house is overrun with people, Brooke's existing. She said the kids are at sea, for the minute neither parent is there. She said she wishes your mom was there." Nathan gave a soft snort of laughter at that. "Isn't it funny that no matter how old we get we all seem to need your mom when things go wrong? None of us seem to ever consider speaking to our own parents."

"I guess she was always there for us all through high school, she always seems to know what to do or say."

"Is Peyton really not coming?"

"It's what she said." Nathan shook his head confounded by the blonde. Since Brooke left Tree Hill she'd never been back, not in ten years. Haley and Jamie had visited her at least once a year, Nathan had made it every couple of years. They spoke via e-mail occasionally. He knew she and Haley kept up a fairly constant contact. The damage done so many years ago had effectively ended the group dynamic. And while it was unsurprising Lucas and Peyton had not remained friends with the brunette he knew that Brooke still cared deeply for both, that their presence, while perhaps not at the time, would on reflection mean a lot to her. She'd have done the same for them regardless of the past if the situation were reversed. That Peyton could still maintain her hatred of her former best friend was beyond Nathan's comprehension. Then again for Nathan life had always been simple compared to the others. He didn't see the need for the constant will they won't they hassle of his brother's love life with the blonde and the brunette. For Nathan since he was 17 it had always been Haley, even now despite the distance between them she was the one he planned on growing old with.

"Do you feel like it's been 10 years since we were all together, friends?" Lucas gave his brother a wry grin at the question.

"In some ways it feels more like a hundred, but the last few days just seem to have shown me that what we all had back then was special, special enough that the hurt, the time, the distance pales into nothingness when one of us really needs the others."

"I know what you mean, I think despite what happened with you and Peyton and Brooke I always resented her for leaving, for not visiting. Even when we do speak or when I've seen her it was never the same. But I have to give her her due, whenever I had a game in L.A. she was always there cheering me on, made it feel a little like high school. All I want to do right now is see her, to hug her, to tell her how I still love her even though I've been an ass for the last decade." Lucas patted his hand on Nathan's arm that lay across the arm rest between them.

"I have no idea what I want to say to her. I don't even think there are words to say, not from me anyway. I just can't imagine not being there, even if I don't speak to her, even if I'm just there and she doesn't even really look at me. She was my best friend at one point, several different points actually and just being there is the right thing to do."

"I can't even imagine how she feels right now." Silence stood between them as they both contemplated what exactly would be running through Brooke's head right then. As Nathan tried to understand how he would feel in her place he had a sudden epiphany of all the recent fights, realising how close he was to losing Haley. "Luke was it weird being 18 when your sister was born?" Lucas gave Nathan a puzzled look at the stark change of conversation but answered nonetheless.

"I was stunned when I found out my mom was pregnant. I hadn't really seen it coming especially since she'd said she left Andy because he wanted children and she felt she was too old. But it also felt good that we were going to get a part of Keith to keep with us."

"You know how much Haley wants a baby." Nathan let the statement hang in the area waiting for some kind of reaction.

"She may have mentioned it along the line." Nathan nodded his head along with Lucas' words, giving him enough time to elaborate, which he didn't.

"I've spent the last decade doing something I love, being exactly what I always dreamt I'd be. I know she's wanted another kid for a long time now and I know I said once I retired that would be the right time – and when I said it I did truly believe it. But I guess what coming home after all this time made me see was that I missed Haley. Jamie's old enough now to be doing his own thing he doesn't want or need his parents around all the time. I guess I just want to enjoy my wife while we're still young enough to do it. If we have another kid now and wait for that kid to hit 18 then we'll be almost 55 before we really get time for ourselves." Lucas laughed softly.

"Fifty five isn't all that old these days big brother." Nathan nodded his head in acknowledgement.

"When Haley's parents disappeared off around the country while she was still in high school she felt like she missed being a family, she also told me that she thought it was wrong how little Jamie got to see of his grandparents. I think she likes the fifties style families where grandparents are around and there's big family dinners. If we had another child by the time that child was 18 Jamie would be 35, well old enough to have his own family, that Haley would want to be around to see. And admittedly so would I, I guess the way I see it is Haley and I have the chance to really enjoy each other again for a while, then we get to enjoy being grandparents. If we have another child yes I'll enjoy being a dad again, maybe more because I'll actually be around more, but by the time we're done with that we'll be enjoying being grandparents, I don't want us to be one of those couples whose lives revolve around the kids and grandkids and who no longer have anything between them but family because they never worked at their own relationship."

"I think you're looking way too far ahead there Nathan. For a start Jamie might decide he's gay and doesn't want kids." Nathan raised his eyebrows at his brother which elicited a grin from the blonde. "It's fairly unlikely but all I'm saying is that you have no idea what is likely to happen in the future. You said yourself you'd enjoy being a dad again, and that you'd actually be around this time to enjoy all the stuff you missed with Jamie, and this is something Haley really wants. Don't write the idea off without some serious thought Nathan, let's face it I'm on the verge of my daughter being hauled across the country, I've not really dated anyone serious since my marriage ended ten years ago, if you had another child and wanted a weekly or even twice weekly date night it's not like I've anything better to do than babysit." Nathan felt a pang of pity for his brother, true Lucas' life was the result of his own mistakes but Peyton's impending marriage and move was threatening to take the one truly good thing in his life away from him. Sure there'd be phone call and visits but Nathan knew better than anyone how poor a substitute that was for actually being around.

"Why have you steered clear of females?" Lucas laughed.

"Nice change of topic there little brother, in answer to your question it may be because I've never met anyone worth trying with, or maybe it's because I'm sick of hurting people that I love. But back to the original topic, I get that you don't want to talk about this, I get that you think Haley's already told me every single detail but I'm your big brother and your best friend if there's anything you need to say I'm here." Nathan nodded in appreciation. Truth be told he felt like his life was as in the air at that moment as he himself was. He had to acknowledge that his desire to focus on his wife was ironically pushing them apart. But he'd been angry too. Not once has she really let him talk about it, her anger has known no bounds. Her anger is what he blames for the current state of affairs if he's honest with himself. If she'd been more willing to discuss his feelings instead of using her anger as weapon then perhaps he himself wouldn't be so frustrated and angry, it was a vicious circle, he attempted to talk to her, she got angry, he then got angry that she wouldn't listen to him, her anger fought his until one of them walked out. Admittedly it was usually him that walked away. He accepted that he deserved a little anger from her side, he had promised her something that he no longer felt happy to give, but he did feel that if he could just explain things to her that she'd be more willing to understand and let go of some of that anger. He'd never understand why women couldn't just be happy with what they had, what was ever gained by analysing everything, particularly the things that you didn't have.

_He was shocked when he saw her, she looked like she'd aged dramatically in the past few months. Haley's descriptions paled into comparison with what he saw as the truth of it. Her eyes were so swollen from crying and lack of sleep they looked as though they were almost shut, and painful to try and hold open just the little she currently was. Too tired for an actual greeting she merely left her door open for Nathan to walk through and close behind him. He managed to stop himself from crushing the toy that he had only just realised was there. She slumped back into the chair he knew he roused her from by arriving._

"_I guess asking how you are would be a pointless waste of breath?" Her gaze barely managed to flick up to his own as he spoke. He sighed deeply and sat on the bean bag, the only other piece of furniture in the room. "Very retro."_

"_Is it a coincidence that you're visiting me on the day the decree nisi has been granted?"He had to admire the fact that she was still so sharp given the appearance and general demeanour of her._

"_I know I've not been around lately – for obvious reasons, but Haley has been keeping my updated with things. She tells me how much you're struggling, my understanding of it is that being a single mom is hard. Particularly while nursing a broken heart. I spoke to her last week after my game. She, like the rest of us, can't quite believe you're sticking to this. See the thing is you've seen off all the competition, you're married, you've a baby together, a life together and you're walking away. Look at yourself right now, this is doing yourself any favours, or anyone else any for that matter."One spindly arm rose and bent to cover her face wearily._

"_None of you know this, but before your wedding I went to Savannah and I proposed to Jake."_

"_But that was when you realised you loved Lucas."_

"_Jake told me I loved Luke, said I mumbled his name in my sleep and that I needed to come back and figure it all out and that he'd wait. Julian broke up with me because of my obsession with Ravens. He told me I still loved Lucas and I needed to figure it all out. Interestingly there are two sides to both those stories, I always chose the one they told me. I loved Lucas, we had to be together at all costs, regardless of what I had to do and who I had to hurt to get that. It didn't matter that when I came back from Savannah Luke was with Brooke, or that when I came back from L.A. he was with Lindsey. They were obstacles to our love. And I would find a way over them. But there's another side to Jake and Julian. When I get scared I run to Lucas because he saves me. Sure we started hanging out for a while, until he first got together with Brooke, there was that week long affair, after that nothing for a really long time, during which I fell for Jake and he for Brooke. The sudden realisation I had with Jake, was after a long period of which we were barely friends. The same with Julian, Lucas and I hadn't spoken in almost 3 years and yet I just waltzed back thinking we'd be the same because we were epic, and we fell back together. After my very presence destroyed what he had with Lindsey, for which he professed his hatred and yet less than a week later he's calling me up to go get married. When we are scared and lonely we drift to each other, we built a relationship around my victim drama and his hero complex. I was obsessed with reading Ravens, because the truth is the Lucas and Peyton in the book were epic, but the ones in real life aren't. Besides which how much happiness can we have built on everyone else's misery? In any case Nathan even if I was still sure we were right for one another the question would still remain – if Brooke hadn't let him go would we have ever got together?" Nathan's headache had emerged somewhere around the first mention of Ravens. He just didn't understand how any of the trio could possibly not know who they wanted to be with. He was stunned by Peyton's confession of her proposal just days before totalling her friendship with Brooke in order to win Lucas. But more than that he was exhausted by the constant trips to high school memories, they were almost 25 now and it seemed to him that the past was the past. It was time to focus on where they all were in the present and where they could be in the future._

"_Peyton does it matter? Fact is Brooke is engaged with a baby on the way, she loves Julian with everything she is. Just like I do with Haley. Lucas wants to be married to you and to raise your daughter together. So the only question that really matters is do you want the same things he does?" Tired eyes meet sparky ones._

"_Do I want to be married to the father of my child and have him there to help me raise her? Of course I do Nathan, anyone would. That's doesn't mean it's right. This drama has been continuing since we were 16 years old, that's almost ten years Nathan and I can't do it for another ten. Your parents stuck together because neither of them were willing to admit what they both knew – Dan was meant for Karen. His fear and selfishness destroyed so many lives, but that continued because no one was willing to just admit defeat and accept that you cannot rule your heart with your head. There's a line from Ravens which Brooke said to Luke in reference to Keith and Karen 'people who are meant to be together always find their way in the end.' This isn't the end Nathan but I need to walk away and give us both time to figure out whether our love is real – or if it was always just better in everyone's head and the publisher's eye."_

"_If Dan was meant for Karen how'd she end up with Keith? And how does the thing about being meant to be apply." She looked up at him then with clearer and brighter eyes than since he'd arrived. With a small shrug she replied._

"_No one said that the person that you were meant for had to be meant for you."_

Nathan had left Peyton's that day being as mystified about her motivations as when he arrived, even to this day his opinion was still that she'd spent too much time thinking about things. Nathan glanced across and saw that Lucas had dozed off, he allowed himself to relax a little knowing both his travel companions were asleep. He let his head fall back in relief that now he was given solace with his own thoughts.

"I'm definitely not gay by the way." The voice startled him and his head shot back up and the eyes that had just closed opened wide as he turned to his son. "I wasn't asleep." Great now Jamie knew everything that had been said between he and Lucas. "It's kind of crazy that your desire to spend more time with your wife is destroying your marriage isn't it?"

"Jamie you shouldn't have eavesdropped by pretending to be asleep." His son snorted laughter at him.

"You just assumed, besides that's not really the point is it?" Nathan shook his head and tried to suppress a grin.

"Jamie it's not the best situation no, and it is ironic that my desire to focus on our relationship is what is messing things up so badly right now. But after ten years of never being around and not being a good husband I want to change and make it right." Jamie nodded as though he agreed, but then he turned to face his father.

"Thing is dad, the way I see it is that the relationship suffering because mom let you have your dream, but by doing so she sacrificed her own dream and the family she really wanted. Now you're done with basketball and want to have the relationship you used to have, but once again it's mom that's sacrificing something for your dream, albeit your dream is a new dream. Sure it sounds nice that you want to focus on her, some wives would be happy with your new dream. But for mom it's just putting your dream ahead of her own again."


	6. Goodbye

"I haven't prepared anything to say. I think I hoped if I refused to write anything down then this wouldn't really happen. I wouldn't have to stand up here and explain to you all just why Julian was the man I loved, and how much he meant to me and our children. There was always the hope he'd walk in the door and smile, telling me he missed me while he was away and that he'd never leave again – all the while we'd both know he would. He found a huge amount of joy in his work. But I know nothing was as important to him as we four were, his wife, his daughters and his son. It's funny that now I'm stood here the words that come to mind are ones I didn't even know I remembered. They're not my words but they speak to me right now:

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,  
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,  
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum  
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come." The beautiful, broken widow broke down then, sobs the only thing to be heard echoing around the crowded church. Shuffling in the pews led to two people standing and going to her, the woman placing soft arms around her leading her back to her family. The man left to finish what she had not been able to.

"Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead  
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,  
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,  
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,  
My working week and my Sunday rest,  
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;  
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;  
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;  
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.  
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

For Brooke I'm sure each word Auden wrote strikes a chord deep inside of her. We have all at some point felt a loss in our lives, while often they are not comparable to hers – the loss of a soul mate the words are a truth we shall all one day know. I can't claim to know Julian well, we met a good many years ago and I was in the fortunate position of working with him. He was dedicated to his work, and I'm sure many of us enjoyed the fruits of his labour. But that's not why we have come to celebrate his life, those achievements mean nothing in light of his personal life. His real true achievement is his family. The beautiful, charming, well mannered children and his devoted wife. I've known Brooke Baker for more years than I care to tell, and I know this: no one has given her the love she so rightly deserved like Julian did. Before their children came along Brooke was Julian's world, and quite rightly so. Their devotion to one another is the kind that comes along in movies, the kind authors depict in novels and the kind we all dream of. So as we say goodbye to Julian Baker, let us remember the good things he brought to our lives, but mostly his great love and their legacy. And for Brooke I leave you with these words, once again borrowed from a great author:

Do not stand at my grave and weep,  
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.  
I am the diamond glint on snow.  
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.  
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush,  
I am the swift, uplifting rush  
Of quiet birds in circling flight.  
I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.  
I am not there, I do not sleep.  
Do not stand at my grave and cry.  
I am not there, I did not die."

* * *

Haley saw Brooke's shiver as Lucas hugged her, the response to which was him sharply pulling away from her. His words about Karen drifted over to where Haley was stood with Jamie and Brooke's children.

"My mom sends her apologies, due to bad weather in London all planes are grounded, she says she'll be here as soon as she can." Haley saw the flicker of acknowledgement pass across Brooke's features and thought that was possibly the first sign of life she'd witnessed since her arrival. The police had left Brooke with some family support woman, Haley had no idea how the wreck of a woman she'd found upon arrival had managed to tell her children their father was dead but she had. Haley didn't know whether Tyler's young age was a blessing or not. He wasn't as affected as the girls being just shy of 2 he didn't really have any comprehension of what had happened. His world was shaken admittedly but more so by his mother's behaviour than his father's absence. But at 7 and 10 the girls were more than able to understand what had happened. Haley was stunned that Brooke had managed any form of coherent speech inside the church, she'd been almost catatonic since hearing the news. Haley surmised that the trauma of their father's death was compounded by their mother's emotional, if not physical, absence from them. As Lucas drifted away from the widow and over to her she watched her husband pull the fragile brunette into his arms, holding her close against his body, and she saw the shake or Brooke's shoulders the only sign to the world that she was crying.

Selfish as the thought was Brooke's tragedy was allowing Haley the excuse she needed to avoid confronting her own situation. She had spent the days since her arrival ensuring the children were taken care of and liaising with Julian's father about the funeral arrangements. It wasn't until actually speaking with the man over the plans for burying his son that Haley really understood quite how cold and unfeeling he appeared to be toward Julian, a fact Brooke had told her on more than one occasion. Victoria had called a few times to check in on how Brooke was doing, that was more than she would have once managed but it wasn't exactly how Haley thought a real mother would behave in such circumstances. Victoria had been dealing with the press back in New York and fending off all sorts of attention that Haley acknowledged Brooke would not be able to handle. Brooke had barely managed to say two words even to her children in the previous few days.

She felt the stirrings of nausea rising in her stomach and did her best to convince herself she was imagining them, truthfully Nathan's arrival, rather perversely, had made the nausea worse. She wondered if it was her body reacted to the guilt she felt every time she saw him, guilt which had increased tenfold due to his genuine concern for both her welfare and Brooke's since he'd arrived with Jamie and Lucas. He had done everything he possibly could to make things easier for her, to help with Brooke and the children. He'd been particularly good with Tyler, which was a source of yet more guilt and a little anger for Haley.

"Maybe I was wrong and she was right." Haley shook her head a little to clear her thoughts, while she'd been focusing on keeping the contents of her stomach in her stomach Nathan had joined their group, leaving Brooke with the string of fake Hollywood friends with their condolences.

"What makes you say that?"

"I just think maybe I was naive to think I'd be of any use to her. We stopped being friends a long time ago and while I wish it weren't the case and I could offer her some support I'm not the person to do so simply because it's been ten years since we were even in the same room as one another." Nathan shook his head at Lucas' words.

"I don't feel like I'm doing anything for her either, hell Hales has more or less kept everything together and she probably doesn't. Fact is not one of us can give her what she needs right now and none of us can really understand how she's feeling. We do what we can, even if it's as simple of taking the trash out or feeding her children. You think because you're a writer it gives you the ability to always have the right words to say. I got news for you Luke, there are no right words now."

"Nathan's right, when it's not as raw she will one day be compos mentis enough to be grateful at us all being here, despite none of us having the friendships with her we once did."

"I guess it is the writer in me, words are my forte and I'd like to think I know the ones to use in any instance, but right now they just fail me."

"I never thought we'd all be here." Three pairs of eyes turned to look at her, which was when Haley realised she'd said the words out loud. While she actually meant that Brooke would be a young widow, estranged from her friends, Lucas and Peyton would have a bitter divorce and a tearaway child while she and Nathan would probably soon separate as a result of her infidelity and the baby she had yet to entertain thought of she knew the others would just assume she meant the former. Nathan slipped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. The irony being that Julian's death had actually brought Nathan back to her. Sadly she knew it would not last. But she allowed him to comfort her and rested her head against his shoulder, savouring what she now had little question of, like she had in previous months, being the man she was always meant to be with.

"I want my daddy." Haley had been so wrapped up in her own thoughts she'd almost forgotten the two girls stood with them. She knelt down to be at eye level with Hannah.

"Oh sweetheart I know you do, but he's just not here anymore. He loves you but god just took him up to heaven because he needed him." The seven year olds tears almost broke Haley's hearts.

"Even if that's true god must be stupid," Haley looked over to Sophie, but the ten year olds attention was over Haley's shoulder, "she needs him more." Haley turned to follow Sophie's gaze. Brooke was stood, mourners having left her now she looked more desolate than Haley had ever seen a person. She couldn't help but think how right Sophie was. Brooke took that moment to turn to face them all, her eyes were blank, devoid of anything. She looked beyond grief, beyond sorrow so entirely beyond emotion. She took slow steps over to them. She held a hand out to each child, both gladly reaching for her.

"Let's go home and see your brother." Haley had thankfully received an offer from a neighbour to take care of Tyler while everyone else attended the funeral, taking a baby was not a prospect she had been relishing. They followed Brooke to the waiting car and all climbed in. Even the girls sensed the journey was to be completed in absolute silence. While Brooke had an arm round each of her daughters she stared ahead glassy eyed. Haley felt more unnerved by this eerie calm than she would do by tears and even hysterics.

* * *

As Haley shivered she felt hands slid along her arms in an effort to warm her. Brooke was settling the children, as far as she was aware Lucas was packing to return home tomorrow and Jamie was taking advantage of the enormous film collection housed within the grand walls of Brooke's home. Haley had been sat outside enjoying the harmony of the evening. She tilted her head to look up at her companion. He smiled down at her and took the seat beside her.

"I don't want this to sound wrong, but for us these last few days have been the best we've had in a long time." She nodded understanding exactly what he meant, though he continued to elaborate. "It's been good to be able to have a conversation that doesn't end in a fight. I know most of that is because we're talking about practical things and about Brooke but it's like having us back Haley and I have missed that." While she felt the same she couldn't articulate the words, not knowing what she did. "Haley this entire situation has been awful for Brooke, but for me it's been the harsh dose of reality that I needed. I know now I'm on the verge of losing you if I don't change, and watching Brooke's torment I imagine how'd I feel if I were her, if it was you and it would kill me. I still love you as much as I did the day I married you – if not more. I'm sorry, I know things are the way they are because I suddenly changed my mind...or suddenly to you. I know that hurt and it stopped you wanting to listen to any kind of explanation, but I should have tried harder to help you understand. I should have been more willing to consider your feelings and your thoughts.

"Nathan I," She broke off unable to tell him. She reasoned that it wasn't the time or place. That she needed to figure things out by herself first. Deep down though she knew it was all excuses. The truth of the matter was she just wasn't ready for him to hate her. Yes he'd been wrong in what he'd done – but she'd been so much worse. "I don't think now is really the time to talk about it." The hurt on his face broke her heart. "I just need to focus on Brooke right now – but I want you to know that I love you." She moved to kneel in front of him, she took his hand and tried to convey the love she had for him. "Nathan there will never be another man alive that could ever hold a candle to you, I love you more than I could ever tell you," tears slipped slowly down her cheeks which he leaned forward to wipe away. "I know I'll never love anyone like I love you, and despite all the mistakes we've made that love still stays strong. I just want you to remember that." He gathered her up onto his lap and into his arms and she tried to commit every second to memory.

"Haley, I know all that. I know things have been bad between us for a while now, but Julian dying has just shown me how short life is, I don't want to destroy what we have." Haley knew it was already too late, she'd already ruined what they had. She had to tell him, but the guttural howl that reached their ears made both spring up and into the house. Nathan was ahead of her taking the stairs 2 at a time while she raced behind him. Haley stopped behind Nathan as he stood wordlessly at Brooke's bedroom door. The anguished howls coming from their friend stopped both in their tracks. The wreck that was their friend was in the arms of Lucas. A wedding picture beside them giving a clear indication to Haley what had brought about the release of Brooke's grief. Standing watching her completely broken in Lucas' arms Haley wondered if she even knew they were there. Nathan broke free of his stupor first and went to kneel with Lucas, his arms also encircling Brooke. Haley followed his lead and together the three friends held Brooke Baker as she finally began to grieve.

* * *

An hour had passed since Brooke's broken anguished cries had stopped echoing around the house, Haley had managed to get her settled in one of the spare bedrooms as she insisted she couldn't sleep in their bed. Nathan and Lucas had gone downstairs, Haley was almost certain both would be sat silently contemplating the last few hours, side by side with a scotch in each brother's hand. Brooke's tears were silent as she curled in on herself while Haley sat beside her and softly smoothed her hair.

"Even breathing seems like it's impossible. I keep waiting for him to walk through the door just like always. But it isn't just like always and it never will be again. I can't bear the thought that every time I hear the phone ring for the rest of my life I'll still expect it to be him. Every time the door bell goes I'll open the door thinking I'll see his lopsided grin because once again he forgot his keys"

"Brooke come home."

"This is home...I think."

"It was home, with Julian. But he's gone and we have to go home. I can't leave you here with just the children. I want you where I can take care of you all. Maybe in Tree Hill you can at least be in a house where he wouldn't be coming home to."

"What about the girls? This is their home, their schools and friends. They need stability."

"Brooke they need you...and I really think that you need us right now."

"Ok just for a little while."


	7. Blood on Blood

"No way dad. What would I even do with a ten year old?" Sawyer shook her head vehemently at Lucas. He scoffed at her words.

"Need I remind you Sawy that all your friends are like 17, 18. That means that when you were ten they were 14 almost 15. That's a bigger age gap than between you and Sophie. Besides which it isn't about age, they've been here for two weeks now and have barely left Haley and Nathan's house because their mom just isn't coping. Their dad just died, they just need someone to take them out for a while and let them be kids again, just to get away from what I know is an awful environment for them." She scowled at him.

"They?"

"Hannah would be better going with her big sister."

"Great so she's what a bonus child. How old is she?"

"I think she's about 7 or 8." Sawyer let out a deep sigh which irritated her father further. "Sawyer be thankful I'm not asking you to take Tyler as well, he's not quite two yet. You don't even want to move town because you'll miss me, try imagining how those kids feel knowing they will never see or speak to their father again."

"If I take them out will you let me live with you instead of moving? Lacey said that if you went to a custody hearing then because I'm 13 they'd take into account what I want." Lucas rubbed his temples wearily.

"Oh and Lacey just knows everything about it." His tone was sarcastic and it earned him an eye roll from his daughter.

"Dad please, I don't want to leave Tree Hill." He smiled softly at her and pulled her into his arms.

"You'll make new friends – hopefully better friends, friends your own age." He felt her burrow further into him.

"You're such an ass, I'd give them all up if it meant I could stay with you." He sighed deeply and let his head fall to rest lightly on the top of Sawyer's.

"Oh baby I wish I could give you what you wanted, I know you're struggling with your mom but it would break her heart to lose you."

"What about your heart?"

"Well sure it's going to break mine too but your home is with your mother, that's just how it's always been."

"And what I want doesn't matter. She wants to leave and you miss out, if I stay with you it's her choice if she leaves me or not." He tried to stop the tears in his eyes before they slipped down onto her head, the idea of her moving so far away was heartbreaking for him and he wished fervently that Peyton would reconsider, but he knew he'd blown his chances with his ex wife, reasonable where he was concerned she was not.

"I'll talk to her." He knew though that whatever he said to her would fall on deaf ears, he only hoped that for Sawyer the fact he tried would be enough.

"I guess I could take those kids to the park for a while, or maybe the River Court." He kissed the top of her head his heart swelling with pride and love.

"That's my girl."

* * *

"What the hell were you thinking?" He really needed to start locking his door, the first thought that entered his head as the kitchen door opening was drowned out by Peyton's angry voice. He sighed and threw the towel down at the still wet dishes and turned round, he placed his hands on the counter and leaned back. He slowly appraised her and wondered when it was he'd stopped loving her. When she had left him he'd been heartbroken, not as she thought because she'd taken Sawyer though obviously that was true, but also because he did love her whatever she thought and he had wanted his marriage to work. He was to blame for what happened, but somewhere along the line he got sick of her never ending anger about it. He stopped blaming himself, he accepted responsibility but not blame. Marriages, as his mother had told him, were something that needed work. It was impossible to have a long marriage that was always happy, sometimes were simply better than others. You had to work through the bad times, regardless of what lingering feelings he'd had for Brooke he had been more than willing to do what it took to make his marriage work, Peyton had been the one unable to work at it. So at some point in the last ten years he'd stopped taking all the blame. True he had broken more than his marriage but he often looked at Peyton and wondered when she became so angry, it wasn't that she was angry at him. To him she seemed angry at everyone. Perhaps it was why she struggled so much with Sawyer. The anger may well be the thing that made her so unattractive to him now. Many would argue she looked younger than her 35 years, but in some ways he thought she looked older, her face was lined with her anger, then again he surmised perhaps it was only that way when she was around him.

"What have I supposedly done wrong this time?" Lucas wasn't an idiot, he knew Peyton blamed him for everything that was wrong with her relationship with their daughter. He also knew that chances were that he would have a more difficult relationship with Sawyer if he were the one she lived with. He knew that was simply how things were with children. But he also recognised that some of Peyton's problems with Sawyer and with him were nothing to do with either of them, they were Peyton's issues.

"Farming my daughter out as some kind of child counsellor or free babysitter." It took a moment for him to recover from the shock.

"What pisses you off more, the fact that had you requested a similar thing she wouldn't have done it, or that it's Brooke's kids?" His words may have been slightly mocking but the undertone of his voice was hard.

"Brooke's kids are not my child's responsibility." He snorted his contempt at her.

"Look Peyton they're new to town and I'm sure Hales would have asked Jamie but I had this crazy idea that since Sawyer was a little closer age wise it might be nice if she did it. I also had this crazy notion that if she was helping out in that way she wouldn't be around her delinquent, older friends who we both so despise." Peyton's eyes narrowed, to anyone else it would be a sign of anger, but Lucas knew her well enough to know that she was merely annoyed with herself, clearly the idea that Brooke's kids were the lesser of two evils had not even crossed her mind.

"While I don't approve of Sawyer's friends I also don't think that what you're asking of her is healthy either."

"She went to hang out with them at a park, it's hardly a problem. In fact I'm fairly sure if it were any other kid you wouldn't bat an eyelid. I'm so sick of your issues Peyton. I fucked up, I fucked your life up, Brooke's life until she met Julian, our life together, and Sawyer's life I get it. What I don't get is your absolute refusal to accept the facts. The facts are your anger towards Brooke is completely unfounded. YOU screwed HER over when it came to me, twice. When time came around and the opportunity presented itself for her to do the same to you she had the grace to walk away. The way you persecute her is completely without basis. And you know what even if it was with basis her kids are not to blame for a single god damn thing. And their father just died, I thought hanging out with a local kid was a little normality for them in a crappy situation. What the hell happened to you? When did you die inside?" His head twisted slightly at the impact of her hand on his cheek. Not once in ten years had he ever risen to the bait she constantly gave him. He'd always meekly taken her insults and her anger because he believed he deserved them. But enough was enough, he was so sick of being the bad guy in her eyes, and sick of Brooke being painted as a scarlet woman, as if things weren't bad enough for her right now she didn't need her former best friend causing more problems, even if was over something as simple as how her kids passed an hour.

"I said Sophie and Hannah could stay here tonight and have a sleepover with me, if it was okay with you and their mom." Sawyer's voice cut through the atmosphere better than a knife, her voice was soft and much lower than normal. She'd never witnessed her father raise his voice, nor her mother raise her hand. Lucas looked over at his shell-shocked daughter.

"So long as Brooke says it's okay."

"I kind of get the vibe that Aunt Haley is more in charge than their mom right now." Peyton blew some hot air out her mouth and muttered.

"Typical Brooke let someone else deal with the fall out."

"Get the hell out of my house, don't even think about stepping foot inside it again until you develop a little humanity." Lucas' face was stony and his words icy. His tone brooked no argument. Peyton marched to the door before turning back.

"I don't care what her kids do, but Sawyer is to be home tonight."

"I am home mom, I have as much right to be here as you have to me being with you."

"Your home is with me I set the rules."

"Actually Peyton I let you have Sawyer, we never had a formal agreement, it seems to me that until there is a court document saying I have to make her stay with you if she wants to sleep her a few nights I won't be stopping her."

"Don't even think this is over Lucas, not that it matters. Soon she won't be here at all." The door slammed behind her with such force it made the windows rattle.

"I've never heard you speak to mom like that." Lucas had wanted to take a moment to gather himself after Peyton's departure but Sawyer's words didn't allow him that. He opened his arms wide to her and she stepped into them.

"That's because I haven't. I wish you hadn't heard that."

"Why was today different?"

"I don't know, I've been on the receiving end of her anger for a long time, and I know she harboured a lot of it towards Brooke. I thought I deserved it and Brooke didn't, today your mom pushed too hard, particularly against Brooke. She doesn't deserve what your mom gives out and your mom needed telling. Once upon a time they were best friends and nothing would have come between supported your mom through the worst times of her life, I find it difficult to grasp why your mother can't show a little compassion to someone who has always been so wonderful to her."

* * *

"Nate?" Lucas shouted his brother's name into the almost silent house. When there was no response he ventured a little further inside.

"He's at the River Court with Jamie. Haley is working I think." Her soft voice startled him a little as she emerged from the shadows. She looked incredibly gaunt and her eyes were almost impossible to see, their redness, puffiness and dark circles attesting to her lack of sleep and what he assumed was copious amounts of crying. Despite the warm weather she was wrapped in a faded college sweater Lucas could only presume was Julian's.

"No problem. It wasn't really important." Truthfully it was important, Lucas desperately needed someone's advice about Peyton. And whether to give in to what he really wanted and what Sawyer was pushing him for – to seek custody. He'd always maintained that it would be wrong to separate them despite how hard it would be to watch his daughter move away, but the way things had deteriorated with Peyton he questioned whether she would make access almost impossible.

"Thank you for having the girls, Haley said they had a great time, she said they smiled. It's good." Her words sounded robotic to him and he felt his heart constrict with compassion.

"It was a pleasure, your children are lovely. Hopefully their manners will rub off on Sawyer." For the first time she engaged with him then and looked him straight in the eye though he was unable to determine what was going through her head, what the look was saying.

"She's very Peyton." That alone made him smile, people could see the similarities in nature and appearance between himself and his daughter. But he knew the truth, that she was very much Peyton's daughter. That only Brooke could see it too was a testament to the past the two women shared. "Did your mom get home okay?"

"Yeah she arrived safely in London yesterday evening."

"Her coming it was...I remember when it was her. I couldn't understand how broken she was...now I don't see how she could have ever been fixed." Lucas took a slow deep breath trying to control his emotions, the memory of how he felt when Keith died, alongside that of exactly how his mother had been in the weeks directly after brought back the near overwhelming grief, but overriding that was the sadness of Brooke. The pain she suffered so body consuming that one would never predict there would be a day when it was subdued enough to continue living a normal life.

"She sees him every day in Lily, I think that helps."

"The only thing I see when I see my babies is everything he'll miss." Tears slipped silently down her cheeks and instinctively he pulled her into his arms. It felt completely natural to comfort Brooke, like it hadn't been ten years since you'd consider them friends. It reminded him of a song his uncle Keith had listened to, something like** 'Through the years and miles between us it's been a long and lonely ride, But if I got that call in the dead of the night, I'd be right by your side' **He didn't even realise he remembered the words, the song, the band at all until that moment. Keith was a huge fan, Lucas guessed he owned every album and for Lucas that band was the soundtrack to his childhood.

"Brooke nothing will make what's happened okay, nothing will bring him back or erase the pain. I know it's clichéd but there is truth in those words – time will make it bearable, and he wouldn't want this for you, more than anything Julian would want the same thing I would if I were in his shoes, or Nate because despite our differences there's one similarity that overrides everything else – we're all fathers which means that I can safely say that no matter how hard it is, Julian would want you to try and get past the pain to be the mother you are, to be there for your kids twice as much as you ever were because he no longer can be. Brooke, I know how my mom survived and it was making her child – more importantly Keith's child – her raison d'être until she learned to breathe without her."

"I can't Lucas, I know they should be enough but it's not. I know they all need me, but I don't know how to do this. Getting dressed, even getting out of bed is torment. Those few seconds when I wake up and I forget I'm in Tree Hill because he's dead, I forget the warmth next to me is down to my distraught children and I think because I'm home, with him and then everything snaps into focus and I lose him all over again. I can't get past it." In his arms she began to wipe harshly at her face trying to rid it of her tears.

"Nothing I say will make this any easier on you. But we're all here if you need us, even if you just need a babysitter." She pulled back slightly and looked at him.

"Why are you doing this?" He smiled a wry smile at her.

"You're Brooke Baker, nee Davis and once upon a time we were good friends, most importantly I remember a time when grief and anger consumed me and you were there to guide me to the other side. I know that losing Keith is not even close to you losing the man you love but I remember the loss, the anger, the inability to understand why it was him, I remember you wanting to help me even though you didn't what I was going through. That's why, because back then I needed a friend and you were there. And now you need one so if you decide that we can be friends after everything then I'll be the friend you were to me when I needed it."

**A/N: Song is Blood on Blood - Bon Jovi**


	8. The Grief House

Nathan cursed himself for not being more aware, but it had been a long time since he'd been here and he'd forgotten quite what it was like. The carnage lay before him, the culprit sat in the centre of it – wielding his weapon of choice. A biro. He'd stupidly imagined that a toddler couldn't cause much damage if he disappeared off to check the score of the game, in the five minutes he'd been gone Tyler had found a biro, pulled half Haley's most prized books from the bookshelf, and scribbled on and torn most of them, littering the remains throughout several rooms of the house. Yet a wry smile graced Nathan's lips rather than a tug of anger as he went over and scooped the toddler into his arms, succeeding in distracting him with raspberries blown on bare skin to ensure Tyler was unaware of his weapon being taken from him. The happy babyish laughter was music to his ears in a house so full of sorrow.

Six, almost seven weeks had passed since Brooke and her children arrived at his home. Almost two months had passed since Julian's death, though Nathan was fairly certain Brooke would be able to pinpoint the days, possibly the number of hours since it had happened. She was upstairs, still in bed as far as he was aware. Haley had informed him yesterday that she was going to speak to the principal at Tree Hill Elementary about having the girls transferred. He'd questioned her for being a little presumptuous, after all how long was Brooke going to be in Tree Hill, and surely it was a decision she should make. But as Haley had quite rightly pointed out the way Brooke was at the minute was not helping her children, it was not that either of them blamed her or held any anger for that. They simply accepted that she needed time cocooned in her own world to grieve for her husband, and while she did so they had fallen into the routine of parenting her children. Enrolling them in school had initially seemed a step too far for him. But Haley had also pointed out that the best thing for the girls was getting back to some level of normality, which the routine of school life would bring them. Besides which it was wrong to interrupt their education indefinitely when none of them had any idea how long Brooke would need to recover enough to make the decisions that Haley was making. She'd also pointed out that Brooke may well decide to remain in Tree Hill, near them after she broke free from the grief she felt simply because everything in L.A. would be a reminded of what had happened, and here she had people who loved her and would help her. So Nathan had concluded that while it may seem like they were overstepping their boundaries it did seem the best thing for the girls, which was what he hoped Brooke would see when she began to function again.

With Jamie at school and Haley at the studio so often he had gained automatic responsibility for Brooke's children. Surprisingly Sawyer had been his greatest help, often coming over at weekends and after school and dragging the girls out of the house. Lucas was a constant source of support as well. Nathan knew he was out of his depth with the girls, had they been boys he would have had them out playing basketball from sun up to sun down to pass the hours and to distract them, and while he did reason that Sawyer was the type of girl to appreciate that he doubted Brooke's girls would be. He admitted he would be grateful if the girls were at school during the day, it would be less time where he had to see their sad faces and haunted eyes. Nathan was finding however that Tyler was a joy to have around – despite the destruction.

"What on earth happened here?" His wife's incredulous voice met him and he turned round, a sheepish grin on his face.

"He got away from me for five minutes and well..." Nathan trailed off and glanced around at the mess. Since returning from Julian's funeral Haley's mood had been difficult to predict. While their full out blazing arguments had stopped he knew they were using the Baker family's presence to avoid discussing their own problems. But Haley had seemed so much more...Haley like in L.A. he had begun to hope they'd manage to work things through, yet now it seemed like depending on her ever changing mood the smallest thing would get her furious with him, however on a different day – even a different hour, the same small thing would garner a flicker of laughter.

"Got away from you or you left him?" Nathan knew the look on his face said it all. Haley pulled a face at him and he thought that she was about to rage at him.

"Remember when Jamie was little and we lived just near campus. I got talking to Brooke on the phone and forgot to even look what he was doing, when I finished up I found him in our room – he'd emptied all our drawers into a big pile on the floor and was peeing on this mound of clothes." Nathan joined in with her laughter, relieved that she seemed like his Haley today. Then as quickly as it had started her laughter was gone. Instead she looked at him almost wistfully and he wanted to take her in his arms and tell her they'd be that couple again. Tyler wriggled in Nathan's arms and started to pull Nathan's nose, laughing at the way it changed the appearance of Nathan's face.

"You're so good with Nathan, it's good. I was worried that you would it find it hard being with them while Brooke's...and I'm working. But you're good with him, with them." Though she hadn't said it he knew she was thinking that he was good with them despite not wanting any more children of his own. Before he was able to formulate a response she had wiped the misty look from her eyes and changed direction. "How's Brooke been today?"

"I haven't seen her." Haley sighed dejectedly. Nathan understood exactly how she felt. While both were happy to shoulder responsibility for her children and neither really minded her taking her time to grieve at the same time both wanted her to show some sign of beginning to deal with the tragedy that had befallen her. Since her breakdown in L.A. after the funeral she had not cried in front of either of them, nor had she spoken about how she felt. She had totally closed down, even the children now knew not to bother seeking her out, for even when she was sat right next to them she was not there. It was rare to see her emerging from the room that was now hers, and when she did she wore only oversized clothes which it was clear she had pilfered from her husband during their ten year marriage. They were both beginning to worry that she may not see the other side of her tunnel of grief, that the lack of sleep and the lack of sustenance was compiling the damage grief was wrecking.

"I tried telling her about putting the girls in school this morning, I don't think she even heard me." Nathan knew that was quite possible, while he wanted to be there for Brooke actually being with her he found disconcerting. She'd become hollow in the past months and it felt like there was no one there when you spoke to her, like there was simply a void where a person had once been.

"She'll get there, she just needs time." He was unsure whether his wife believed his words – he certainly didn't. He was utterly lost about what to say to the brunette.

* * *

Nathan groaned and rolled out of bed. He was toying with the idea of turning on of the guest rooms into a bedroom for the toddler, anything to be able to get a good night's sleep which he'd been sorely lacking. As Tyler had grown more comfortable with he and Haley and less attached to the shell of his mother he'd taken up residence in their bed. He'd never realised before quite how much a toddler could move in their sleep. Tyler was an incredibly active child and never seemed to run out of energy, Nathan assumed that his movement during sleep was merely an extension of that. But it was at the point now where he'd had an elbow or a foot kick him awake one too many time and if Haley was taking the slightly permanent step of putting the girls in school Nathan surmised that allowing the girls to share a double bed in their guest room and Tyler sleeping in his bed was perhaps a short term solution that had now run it's course. He padded softly down the stairs, opened the fridge retrieved a bottle of water and was almost out the kitchen before he saw it. A person sat with their feet in his pool. The patio door was slightly open and he slipped through unnoticed by the other person. Only when he was settling himself beside her did she notice him. Her sad eyes swung to see who was beside her only to swing back to their place staring into the pool. He had no clue what to say, no idea where to begin. So he placed an arm around her painfully thin shoulders and pulled her into him. She succumbed and settled herself tightly against him.

"Your son seems intent on causing me some kind of injury for doing the unthinkable and attempting to sleep in my bed."

"The girls had grown out of moving so much by this age – Julian still moved in his sleep, his right foot constantly twitched too. Tyler was created in his image."

"I bet he'll be a real heartbreaker when he hits high school then." Again her big sad eyes turned to his.

"Not if he's Julian's. Julian was a mathlete in high school." Nathan laughed unable to combine an image of the slightly suave and successful, handsome movie producer with the images he had in his head of Tree Hill high's mathletes.

"I don't know Davis, head cheerleader and homecoming queen, prom king and basketball captain, how'd we end up with a geeky mathlete and a dorky tutor?" A flicker of a smile graced her lips.

"Oh how the mighty fall." Her voice like the rest of her seemed so small.

"Marrying you was his lucky day." She closed her eyes then and whispered.

"The day he fell in love with me was mine. Did you ever think that despite our supposed high school coolness that we were lucky and they could do better?"

"Of course, I couldn't believe someone like Haley could love a screw up like me. I kept waiting for the moment she'd wake up and see me for what I was. But it never happened and almost twenty years later we're still married."

"It never stopped, for me it never stopped. I was beyond when Julian fell in love with me, when he asked me to be his wife, when he wanted to be the father of my children. I got luckier every day. I never thought I wasn't good enough because he was smarter than me, or because I'd been a slutty cheerleader once upon a time. I just thought I was lucky because he loved me, because he always loved me, he never wavered or faltered in that. He fought for me, he cherished me, and he made me the centre of his universe. I hated him being away for work, but I know if I'd asked him not to go and really meant it he would have stayed with me. He was the first person who didn't test me and find me wanting, who offered his love unconditionally, because before him no one else did. Everyone else placed conditions and constraints on their love that were always impossible to meet so that eventually they were able to leave." His mind flicked over the images of the people he knew she spoke of – her parents, her so called friends in high school who only loved her because she was popular, the guys who slept with her for the same reason, the guy she fell in love with twice only for him to marry her best friend, the best friend she always sacrificed herself for who cut her off because the aforementioned husband didn't know where his heart lay, and he was saddened to acknowledge that he himself could be put in that list.

He'd been so angry with her for leaving Tree Hill just for a guy that he had put a distance between the two when in fact they were of their group the ones most alike in many ways. Both had grown up with money rather than affection as being the main currency in their family homes, he knew all too well how hard it was to move on and find love when you constantly felt unworthy of it as you were never enough for your parents. Brooke had never been enough for her parents to stay in town, while Nathan had consistently fell short of the impossible standards set by Dan. He had no real explanation for why his anger had remained when it became clear Julian was much more than 'just a guy' he was in fact the love of her life, husband, the father of her children. She had always made the effort to keep their friendship alive, and though she had not said it he knew deep down she tried so hard not just because she felt the need to prove herself worthy of love but because her best friend since childhood had disowned her, and her once best friend and once love had done the same. Admittedly Brooke had to have known that initially Lucas simply couldn't cope with her happiness, not everyone had the ability to neglect their own feelings for the sake of someone else's. Nathan also suspected that Brooke had been angry enough with Lucas that the thought of friendship with him was not so greatly mourned.

"You were lucky to have him, but he was lucky to have you too. Brooke I can't imagine what this is like for you, but I need you to start trying to deal with this because you're scaring us."

"Before you came out I was wondering whether I should just let myself go in your pool. Don't worry – the answer was no. Deep down I accept that my children need me, I'm just not ready to let him go. I'm not ready to make decision and shape our lives because it means accepting that he is not coming to rescue me this time." He heard her voice break and in the silver light of moonlight saw the tears pool in her eyes and begin to slip silently down her cheeks.

"No one is saying let him go, but the sad fact is life does go on."

"I know – I just don't understand how. I spend my days staring out a window at the world passing by and all I can think is how? How can it all just carry on like Julian doesn't matter? Like the fact he's dead changes nothing. It's such an enormous pain in me and I don't get how something so life changing so awful hasn't made the world just stop. I keep calling him just so I can hear his voice on the answer machine. I spend hours just listening him to telling me that if I leave him a message he'll get back to me – but he won't. He won't call me back because he can't, I can't even remember the last I said to him. I missed his call, he called me to tell me he'd be boarding soon, and I didn't get to the phone in time because I was trying to get Tyler in the bath and he was running round naked and so I just thought I'll let the machine get it and call him back in a minute. By the time I did his phone was on voicemail and I just figured he was flying home to me – but he wasn't. I just keep thinking that by the time I tried calling him back he was dead. And I didn't even realise, that he was dead and I just went to bed and I was happy thinking in not such a long time we'd be a family again. I even called him to leave some stupid message about visiting Tree Hill and wanting to meet Sawyer and maybe Peyton because I missed home. And all the time he was dead. I can't...I can't...I can't...breathe." The silent tears had led to sobs which now threatened her ability to breathe. Nathan rushed back into the house, unable to find a bag he grabbed and towel and raced back out to her, folding the towel to ensure a bag like effect he forced her to breathe into it, rubbing soothing circles on her back.

"Come on Brooke, just breathe. Just breathe, in and out."

* * *

Nathan yawned and gently lowered himself onto his bed, Tyler was laid on his stomach across the bottom of the bed, it made Nathan laugh thinking he was like a pet dog. He glanced at the clock and saw it was nearing 5am, which meant he'd spent the last 4 hours comforting Brooke. He'd finally persuaded her to come inside and had laid on the bed with her, she'd stopped talking and so he'd made no effort to engage her. He just held her, and when eventually she had drifted off he eased himself away from her, kissed her forehead and made his way back to his own bed. Just as his eyelids were closing Haley turned a sleepy look to him.

"Where have you been?" Clearly the occupants of the house did not wish him to get any sleep that night.

"Tyler woke me up so I went to get a drink. Brooke was outside, we talked a while and then I brought her back inside and stayed with her until she fell asleep." Nathan knew Haley would wanted more details on what they'd discussed when she was awake, and he would provide them hoping that she would help him sort the information she'd given him into something coherent, into a coherent sensible plan of how best to help her. "I was thinking of getting rid of the bed in the next guest room and getting a toddler bed for him in there." Haley snuggled into her pillow, her face inches from him and while he longed to touch her he knew it was a part of their relationship that had not healed from their furious arguments. Her eyes had slid shut again but she smiled.

"That's probably wise, though I'm not sure he'll be so happy about it. He really adores you." Nathan grinned.

"Truthfully Hales I really adore him too." It wasn't how he'd planned on doing this, but he knew for certain that the thought he'd entertained for a few weeks now was definitely a plan, a plan he wanted to share with Haley. Though it may not be the time of the place it suddenly felt right to tell her. "Haley, I want us to try for that baby you wanted. I want that too, all the reasons not to don't matter in face of the fact that you want a baby, and I love you and the truth of it is – having a baby with you, another baby, would make me happy. And even weirder is that having Brooke's kids here made me see that I'd be happy at home if you wanted to work still." He broke off then for her response. Their relationship had improved since L.A., but it was far from happy still. But he knew this would make great steps towards being the couple they once were. And he meant what he said, he wasn't agreeing to this just because she wanted it and he loved her. He'd realised that in actual fact he wanted to have another child with his beautiful wife. But instead there was no joyful words from her and when he tore his gaze from the ceiling to look at her he could see she was already asleep.


	9. Slap

**Just a quick thanks to everyone who is reading and all who review. It's a real motivation when I get some reviews and inspires me to get my butt into gear and write so thank you!**

It's absolutely official this time, no doubts, no thinking there is hope – her daughter hates her. And the worst part – she don't really blame her. She slammed a fist into her wall in lieu of any other way to abate the anger raging inside her, anger at Sawyer for being such a daddy's girl despite his many faults, anger at Lucas for how their lives ended up, anger at Brooke for being the one he loved first, for coming back to Tree Hill, angry with Nathan for being a concerned brother and surrogate father to Brooke's kids, angry with Haley for dropping such a huge bombshell on her and then pretending nothing had happened, but mostly Peyton Sawyer was angry with Peyton sawyer.

She'd thought after the argument with Lucas some weeks back that Sawyer would demand the right to never come home, but she had – perhaps grudgingly. Deep inside her where she could pretend not to acknowledge it she was sure that Lucas had been the one to persuade her to do so. Rather surprisingly given their bad relationship, her relationship with Sawyer compared to his not once had Lucas ever suggested Sawyer live with him, until she'd pushed him that day. She'd deserved such a threat. Of all the things she'd ever said in angry that she knew in hindsight was wrong that was the worst. But he'd been the better man and convinced Sawyer to come home. But this time Peyton feared he wouldn't quite manage it. Another argument with Sawyer over her attachment to Brooke's kids. The saddest part was she couldn't explain why it made her angry. Had Lucas been right that her anger stemmed from the knowledge that had she requested a similar thing Sawyer would have laughed in her face before going and causing more havoc with her unsuitable friends? Or was she still just angry that it was Brooke's children. She yanked open the fridge and grabbed the bottle of chardonnay – if she wasn't careful she'd become addicted to drinking away her pain. With a glass of chilled white in her hand she went and settled herself in her favourite comfy chair. It wrapped her in the soft material and comforted her. She felt cosseted

Before she'd even taken a sip she realised this wasn't what she needed, to be alone with her thoughts. If anything she needed to be away from them. Work was no longer a refuge for her simply because she either ran into Haley – or the unknowing father of Haley's baby. Peyton wondered how exactly Haley was managing to keep her pregnancy a secret, when she saw her she never quite knew what mood she'd be in, Peyton knew that was hormonal but how did no one else guess, and at five months pregnant Peyton was beginning to see the swell of her baby bump even though she dressed to hide it. But from what little she knew of Haley's current home life she understood Haley and Nathan were sharing a bed with a toddler so perhaps that accounted for it. But Peyton didn't want to think about it anymore, she didn't want to think about Haley or Brooke or Lucas or even Sawyer. These days the only light in her life was her fiancé, and on that note she decided to go and meet him from work. She'd walk to the police station as the day was unseasonably mild and she had just less than an hour before he would clock off. She hoped it would be a nice surprise for him.

The streets of Tree Hill were relatively busy for both the time of year and the time of day. Peyton surmised that this must be that many people, like her had decided to blow the cobwebs away before the weather turned. She found herself outside the cafe for a little longer than she wanted to be. She stared sadly at the place. After Brooke had left and she and Lucas had divorced Lucas had decided to return the building to its original purpose as a nest egg business for sawyer. Though he had little involvement in the running of it he did show his face every now and then. The sign still read Karen's cafe for he was unable to change it. God Peyton missed her ex mother-in-law. Karen Roe was an incredible woman and Peyton loved her dearly. They spoke sporadically on the phone, mainly with regards to Sawyer. Truthfully though their contact had been severely watered down since Peyton's relationship with Lucas got worse. Though Lucas had done his best to make the place like it had been when it was their high school hang out none of them spent much time in there – maybe it was too different despite similarities, or maybe it was simply because they were all so far removed from the people they'd been then that it hurt to remember what they'd all once shared within those four walls. Shaking herself from her thoughts she continued on, she glanced down at her watch and saw she'd spent too much time outside the cafe and had to hurry a little in order to reach the station before mark left. As she had predicted he was more than happy to see her, and chose to leave his car there on promise she would drive him to work in the morning so they could take a pleasant stroll back to her house, he promised he'd cook and she promised she'd enjoy every mouthful – cooking was still not a strong point for her. They were hand in hand and she couldn't help but admire his physique, the way his plain white t-shirt hung to his muscular frame and the way his jeans covered his legs well. Completely not her type and yet she loved every inch of him. Both were so wrapped up in each other they didn't see it coming. The well timed slap across Peyton's face that had her release mark's hand and her head to reel round. A hand went instantly up to her face as she turned incredulously to see who had delivered such a blow. Her jaw went slack when she realised exactly what had happened.

"I don't know who you are which is strange in this town but let me tell you now that is assault, not only is it assault it's assault on my fiancée, and I'm chief of police in this town so I think it's best if we take a little walk back to my work don't you." Peyton loved him for stepped in but she placed a soft hand on his arm to stop him moving further towards her assailant.

"No Mark, it's okay. I think deserved it." He looked down at her quizzically but her gaze was focused on the other person.

"How could you? After everything how could you?" Peyton didn't really have an answer to that question, no answer would really be sufficient. "Whatever happened he didn't deserve that treatment, and neither did I. I don't care what you try and pin on me because I never did anything wrong and neither did he. We deserved that day if nothing else. If it had been you standing where I was I would have put any bad feeling aside and been there – hoes over bros Peyton. What happened to that?" She wanted to tell her that what happened was she grew up, that those words were fine when they were kids but not when they graduated to husbands. She wanted to tell her that though she hadn't been there on that day she had squirreled herself away in her attic and searched through countless old chests until she found a picture of her and him when they had briefly been in love. That she had also searched for the photograph taken when Haley and Nathan had graciously hosted a leaving bash when his return to L.A. was imminent – before they knew Brooke was joining him, before they knew Lucas still loved Brooke. It was the last time the six of them had been together, the last photo of them all. She had held that picture so tightly at the exact moment she knew that the funeral was taking place. She also wanted to tell her that after that she'd taken that picture of them all down to the bridge – their bridge – and thrown it into the water because she felt that symbolically it was the right thing to do. But she didn't say any of that because Peyton knew none of it would mean anything to Brooke. She was beautiful in her fury and quite righteous with it too. Peyton knew she deserved the slap that had been delivered to her and so much more because she knew Brooke wasn't lying to make her look the better person she knew Brooke would have been there were the situation reversed. She also knew that the fact Lucas had done exactly what she should have done made her not attending even worse because Brooke had been the one to soothe both of them when the people they loved died and yet Lucas had been man enough to attempt to return the favour while she, Peyton had not.

"Even if I'd been there no words would have brought him back." Peyton found it difficult looking at the other woman, her former best friend and almost sister. She was gaunt and thinner than she'd ever been. Though from what little Haley had said it was an improvement that she'd left the safety of Nathan and Haley's house. The sadness in her eyes was overwhelming and threatened to pull everyone down into it. The unshed tears a testament to how much Brooke didn't want her to see her crying.

"It doesn't matter, nothing I said brought your mom back, or Ellie. Being there is the only thing you can do. I was always there Peyton for everything the one time I needed you, really needed you and you couldn't put your stupid, unreasonable hate aside for me. You should have said goodbye to him – there were hundreds of people there. And there were only three that ever really loved him. You should have come."

"I know." Two little words and the anger left the brunette, the pain closed in and she fled before Peyton could say another word. "Take me home Mark."

* * *

Peyton's run in with Brooke had put pay to her intention to ignore the swirling black hole of thoughts within her. Instead it all snapped back into focus, leaving her holed up in her studio while Mark lovingly prepared a meal she doubted she'd be able to even eat now. As a comforter to herself she was currently listening to an album Ellie had left her, it was one of her most treasured possessions given how little time she'd got with her, with either mother actually. It made her terrible relationship with her own daughter all the more upsetting. She'd hazard a guess and say that prior to the death of her husband Brooke had a fantastic relationship with her daughters. Peyton was left to analyse why exactly it was that ten years on she was still so resolute in her anger at both Brooke and Lucas. They hadn't cheated on her, Brooke as far as she was aware hadn't even reciprocated Lucas' feelings so why exactly had she spent ten years cutting her out of her life – jealousy. It wasn't anger that had made her do it, quite simply she was jealous of Brooke. It had been a massive blow to her ego to discover that she'd spent years believing Brooke had been little more than a distraction for Lucas until things worked out in their relationship. To discover that Brooke had equal billing in his heart was devastating for her. She'd spent years convincing herself that she and Lucas were destined, fated, soul mates and other ridiculous terms that she now knew where best off left in movies and stories. She believed that if her love for him transcended all others then it was simply not possible that his did not do the same for her. The injustice of it was only heightened when thinking of Julian, while Peyton had been relatively happy that Julian had left her given that it pushed her into chasing after Lucas once more in hindsight it hurt that given that Lucas loved Brooke Julian should then not only fall in love with her but marry her. Peyton was jealous that two of the three most significant men in her life had fallen for Brooke's charms. She also recognised that her jealousy was compounded by the fact that what she had always fought so hard to get – Lucas – Brooke was able to achieve with little to no effort whatsoever. Guilt plagued Peyton as she finally confronted her feelings for her one time best friend. It also made her consider things with her ex-husband.

For the first time in a long time she actually felt a need to apologise. Perhaps she was in fact to blame for her poor relationship with Sawyer and foisting all the blame on Lucas was actually making an already poor relationship with Sawyer worse. It wasn't Lucas' fault that Sawyer worshiped him. In the beginning when she was still young there wasn't the need to explain their divorce to her and truthfully Lucas had once approached the subject with Peyton as Sawyer grew older – it was Peyton who felt it best not to go into details, though she hadn't been aware at the time quite how leaving out details would paint her as the bad guy she had done it because Sawyer didn't really need to know and because she couldn't bear to tell her daughter anything bad about the man she had on such a pedestal. Peyton had been so hell bent on making a new start after she married Mark she didn't even consider how much taking Sawyer halfway across the country would affect Lucas – or Sawyer for that matter. Sawyer had done her best to make it clear she wasn't happy but Peyton had steamroller over what Sawyer wanted because it wasn't what she wanted. Lucas while he had made it known he wasn't happy had never once insisted she let Sawyer stay with him, or asked her not to take his child away. If anything he'd erred on the side of supportive until she'd fought with him about Brooke weeks ago. So there it was – right in front of her face. She WAS the bad guy.

* * *

His stance changed the second he saw it was her at his door. She knew it was to be expected considering the only times she'd ever shown up on his doorstep unexpectedly in the past few years was to yell at him or demand Sawyer return home.

"Can I come in?" He looked at her for a long time before finally allowing her to enter his home. For the first time in a long time she actually looked at the house that was briefly home. It had changed a lot over the years though she guessed it was to be expected. Pride of place was Sawyer's last school photo, nestled beside that several of the two of them together, on the wall was a collage of photos she assumed had all been taken when Karen, Andy and Lily had last visited. There were various pictures of Sawyer with her grandma, her aunt, pictures of Lucas with his mom, with his sister and of the three together, pictures of Karen and Andy, Andy and Lily. She felt a pang of regret that she'd missed out on what looked like such a fun few days. Lily really had grown into a beautiful young lady and Peyton had missed out on seeing that. She may no longer be a part of their family but in her heart she realised it still felt like she should be.

"What do you want Peyton? Sawyer is out with Sophie and Hannah – before you start she did her homework first." Was that honestly the way they spoke to one another now? She tore her gaze away from the pictures and looked at the one time love of her life.

"I get the feeling she hasn't seen much of her old friends since you asked her to keep an eye out for Brooke's kids." He looked confused as she spoke. She guessed that was understandable.

"Not much at all, she's been happy staying here the last three days. She told me you fought earlier though." Peyton looked down, the grace to be a little ashamed.

"I was wrong, you were right it is good for her and for Brooke's children for them to spend time together." She almost laughed at the comically stunned expression Lucas wore.

"They're good kids, that's what she needs right now. Besides being with them is a little responsibility for her which I don't think is a bad thing."

"You're just like your mom." The words were out before she could stop them and he looked even more dumbstruck. She felt compelled to elaborate then.

"You're not the shouting, grounding parent. You want to teach her responsibility and maturity by providing the tools she needs to be the person we both her to be. I never appreciated that before. Truth is Lucas I'm not here about Sawyer. Well I am but I...what I want to say is thank you. I don't deserve it but you have been trying to smooth the way for me with convincing Sawyer moving away isn't such a bad thing and I'm grateful. I'm sorry I threatened to take her and limit your contact, it was so wrong of me. Lucas I haven't been abducted by aliens I'm not dying and most importantly I'm not going to change overnight. However that's not to say I haven't realised I've been unfair and I've been wrong and I'm sorry."

"It looks distinctly like there's a hand print on your face." Peyton could slap him, she'd opened up a little and all he could do was notice the mark on her face from where Brooke had hit her.

"I suppose you could argue that someone knocked some sense into me." Lucas laughed then.

"I hardly think that's the case is it Peyt? No one in this town would go near you – not with Mark being who he is."

"I guess Brooke either didn't know or didn't care who he was." And for the third time that evening Lucas was stunned.

"Brooke did that to you?" Peyton nodded only now realising he'd called her Peyt just now. "I don't know whether I'm more surprised she was out to do it or that she did it at all."

"She wasn't exactly looking the best I've ever seen her but she still knows how to land a good bitch slap." For the first time in years they laughed simultaneously. It certainly wouldn't be the first time Brooke had slapped Peyton. It also wouldn't be the first time she'd deserved it. "It was because I wasn't there." Lucas nodded along with her words. What could he honestly say to that other than 'I told you so.' "I guess I've been unfair to her. But the past is the past and I realise now that I need to stop being angry. While for Brooke and I it's simply too late I hope that if I let go of my anger we can become good parents to Sawyer again – most importantly I hope I can salvage a relationship with her."

"It won't be easy Peyton. Wanting to let go of your anger and actually doing it is not the same thing. The saying 'easier said than done' exists for a reason."

"I'll try." Lucas shrugged and she took that to mean he was willing to let her. Well it was a start she guessed. But she knew he was very right, saying she was ready was not the same thing as doing it. She surmised only time would tell.


	10. Everything's Better & Everything's Safe

Day one hundred. Today was an important day, not because it marked so many days passing, but because today was the day Brooke Baker decided she had to face the truth: she could hide away forever and a day but it would not bring her husband back. And said husband would be so furious with her if she spent a single second longer alienating their children because of her soul destroying grief. It had been a little over a month since Haley had told her she'd enrolled the girls in Tree Hill elementary. Though she'd not given it much consideration at the time Haley's decision had most certainly been a wise one. Today Brooke decided she would take one small step to beginning the newest chapter in her life – while she wished it were not so and she wondered whether she was strong enough she could not continue on wasting away in Haley and Nathan's guest room. So when she heard the girls leave for school with Nathan she forced herself up and into the shower. She dressed herself in clothes that were her own and not Julian's. She went downstairs to wait for Nathan to return with Tyler. One step at a time and little interaction with her baby, Julian's precious son was the first step for her. She allowed herself finally to give her thoughts time to flow, time to consider the past few months.

Her memory of the days prior to Julian's funeral were hazy, as were her memories of the funeral itself and ending up in Tree Hill. Her only clear memory being when Karen arrived in town.

"_Oh Brooke." Brooke turned slightly from where she sat on the edge of the enormous bed staring at the wall. Her eyes were so swollen from continual tears she could barely open them. But she'd recognise that voice and that soothing tone anywhere. Tears swelled again as Karen sat beside her pulling her into her arms. Brooke let her head rest against the older woman's chest and she sobbed. As the tears slowed Karen released her and she sat upright again. Karen softly wiped her face free from the last few tears._

"_How did you do it?" Once more Karen pulled Brooke close to her, Brooke's head rested on her shoulder and Karen gently stroked Brooke's hair._

"_There's formula, no step-by-step guide for grieving. Even to this day I miss Keith terribly, I watch Lily and get joy from her, but that's not to say there isn't always the voice in my head that says how much Keith has missed, and how much he would have loved to watch her grow. But we've both been lucky and we have had Andy to be there and help us. When that day rolls round each year I'm heartbroken all over again. But it doesn't hurt in the same way. I can remember the years of memories of good times with him, we may have not had our love for such a long time but we had each other for years. One day you'll be able to do that too."_

"_Looking at our children hurts Karen, you focused on your pregnancy and making sure Keith's baby was healthy and I know I should too but just looking at them hurts." And again the tears were back in her eyes._

"_Brooke there were times I would look at Lily and sob. I'd even do it with Lucas because he may not have been Keith's biological son, but Keith made him the man he is. Keith is to thank for the goodness that is my boy and I see that when I look at him. And mostly I'm happy that he gave me two precious children, but sometimes I looked at them and just cried for what I didn't have."_

Voices interrupted her reverie and she tried to shake the sadness away from her though to little avail. She heard the door open and she stood to go and greet Nathan and her son.

"Hales what are you doing home again so soon? You forget something?"

"Actually Nathan I really need to talk to you – it's important."

"Ok Hales, but I just need to tell you about what Tyler did on the walk home. He's so adorable. I'm just pushing him along and he's babbling away in his own little language and then clear as anything he says 'dada bike, bike dada.' And he's the most animated I've ever seen him as he points to this motorbike whooshing past us."

"Julian had his midlife crisis just after Tyler was born." There was a trace of sarcasm in her tone and both Nathan and Haley turned to her shocked. "He bought a motorbike and Tyler just adored it. Every time he saw a bike he'd get excited and point thinking it was...thinking it was his dad. I guess he doesn't really understand that..." Tears once again took their place in her eyes and her determination to be strong and make a start on becoming her mothering self again took a back seat to her grief, she rushed from the house into the bright sunshine. She didn't stop to think that she'd not left the house since her arrival a few days after Julian's funeral. She just needed to get away from her son. She calmed slightly the further she walked and berated herself for ignoring him and then for running away. But the memory of his delighted face every time he saw that damn bike of Julian's broke her heart. She did manage a small smile though at the irony that when in full leathers with his helmet on Julian actually caused fear in his son. Tyler had been at his happiest when Julian sat him on the stationary bike and softly tipped it for side to side making bike noises. She smiled at the memory of her son prancing round their home with Julian's bike gloves and helmet on. She'd never really considered how strange it was that Tyler was frightened when Julian wore the helmet but loved having it on his own head. It may not have been the break through day that she had intended but for the first time in three months she smiled, she thought of her family and remembered a happy time and she smiled. There was still sadness and longing for things to be that way once more but she acknowledged that it was indeed a happy time.

She found herself walking aimlessly round the streets of Tree Hill, until she was outside her old house. Technically the house still belonged to her, though she had rented it out when she moved to L.A. Julian had never asked her to sell, he didn't need to he knew she wasn't planning on going back and it was a relatively lucrative way to use the property. Long term it would bring in more revenue than selling so it had seemed logical to keep it. She stared at the house for a while but then moved on, allowing her mind to focus on the sights and sounds of her hometown she was able to push the grief, anger and guilt down. Nothing ever really changed in Tree Hill, it was one of those places. Though on saying that the record store had closed down meaning that a new bookstore had opened. Brooke idly wondered whether the building had been vacant before becoming the bookstore, whether it had been something else between record store and book store. But then she saw it – Karen's Cafe. Her pace quickened a little as she made her way towards the building that had once housed her designs. She'd let the lease lapse when she moved to L.A., even then she'd known she probably wouldn't be back and Victoria was right, it wasn't the right place for a boutique clothing store. She hadn't thought to wonder whether Lucas would lease it out again but it seemed he had. Perhaps someone with a sense of nostalgia like her own had leased it, turning it into a cafe again. Brooke pushed open the door and was assaulted by the smell of real coffee and the first thing that grabbed her attention was the sign hanging above the counter. 'Somebody told me that this is the place where everything's better and everything's safe.'

"Never stops being true does it?" She tore her gaze from the battered old sign down to the owner of the voice.

"How come it got saved?"

"Karen's Cafe was home Brooke, Tree Hill didn't feel like Tree Hill without it. It was left empty for a long time after you gave up your lease, then when Peyton and I divorced I realised I wanted a place Sawyer and her friends could go when they were older where they could be whoever they were with no judgement, only love and friendship, acceptance and good food, hot coffee and that home vibe that isn't always readily available from broken homes. Besides having a business is a good security for her future. And it keeps me occupied when I'm suffering writers block. I've been spending more time here in the past few years, not because Louise the manager needs me to but because I like sitting in here and writing. I forget sometimes that I'm a jaded, divorced, bitter thirty something and I remember what it was like to have hope. I mean it's not exactly the same as it was, but it's close enough." She took her time to let his words process in her mind while letting her senses absorb the place they'd once all felt was a home for them. She noted how the cafe still retained a homely feel despite the fifties retro red stools being replaced and everything being considerably newer. In essence though the important thing Karen had created in her cafe Lucas appeared to have managed to recreate. So much so Brooke half expected Karen to come wandering from the kitchen with a warm, welcoming smile holding a pot of coffee in one hand and a cloth in the other.

"Close enough. Never once did I feel anything but happy here, you're right it was home when home was nothing more than a house. Your mom taught me what home was supposed to be."

"She was home, that's all there was. And the fact that she gave that same feeling to all of you just shows what an incredible woman she is." If anyone had asked Brooke what she wanted to be when she grew up when she was in high school without a seconds hesitation she would have said Karen Roe. For her Karen was the epitome of everything anyone should aspire to, she was a business woman, a friend, a truly kind and generous person, and most importantly for a neglected child like Brooke she was a loving mother. Brooke thought she'd managed to achieve that dream pretty well – until Julian's death. Which made her question whether she had achieved all that she wanted to. Karen had been all those wonderful things despite how Dan Scott treat her, and she came though the death of the man she loved with grace, dignity and a strength to be admired as well as an even deeper commitment to her children. Brooke had spent 3 months closing herself away to grieve on her own with little thought to her children other than that their immediate needs with be more than adequately met by Nathan and Haley.

"I ran out on Tyler today." She had no clue what possessed her to confess this to Lucas, though she guessed it was the fact that he spoke only of himself, his mother, the cafe. None of his conversation with her felt staged or pressurised into revealing more than she wished. She smiled within herself – he was very much like his mother.

"Fancy a Karen's cafe famous hot chocolate?" She nodded her head and he gestured for her to sit while he acquired the drink. She chose a booth near the window, if she recalled correctly it was roughly placed where the one she and Lucas had often sat during their brief relationship in high school. That life seemed a million years ago and she became sad that it hadn't been recreated upon the big screen. If nothing else it would allow her a connection between the place that was home and her true home – Julian. Lucas slid in the booth opposite her and placed the hot chocolates down. She realised it was an indulgence that he was joining her as it certainly wasn't the weather out for a hot chocolate.

"I was determined today would be the day I pulled myself from the hole of grief and engaged with my children, I was out the house before I'd even held him. Nathan was busy telling Haley about how Tyler said 'dada bike' on the way home from dropping the girls at school and went crazy. It's because when Tyler sees a motorbike he automatically assumes it's Julian. That broke my heart to realise that when he's older he won't remember that, he won't remember Julian, and he doesn't really understand right now that Julian isn't coming back." She furiously brushed the tears away not wanting the few people in the cafe to notice her crying.

"Brooke you can't just decide what day you'll start functioning like you used to, and you can't beat yourself up when something is thrown at you that takes you back a few steps. It's to be expected. Lily she doesn't, she never even met Keith. Andy has been her father for nearly of her life. But she knows that Keith is her dad. She understands that he would have loved her and he would have been the best dad in the world had he been allowed to be here. We have photographs of him to let her know who her dad was, but honestly the best thing any of us gave her was a share of our memories. When she was like eleven she got so angry and was such a nightmare all because she was frustrated that he just wasn't a person to her. She knew he was her dad and the other stuff but she didn't know anything real about him. She didn't know his favourite band, or any his quirks. So we shared what we knew, we gave her our memories of her father and she cherishes those. But it was over ten years after he died that we needed to do that for her, and even then it was hard for us. Things aren't going to be bearable overnight, you just have to take one hour at a time, even a day is too long. Hell every fifteen minutes could be a different emotion. You'll never stop loving him, wishing he was here, lamenting all the things he is missing, and I'm sorry if this sounds harsh – but Julian died in that plane, you didn't, those kids didn't. You can't just give up." Lucas was right, and while a glance at the clock told her it was too late for reintroducing herself to her kids slowly as the girls would now be home, she would certainly be there for bedtime. That was her first step.

"I'm going to put Tyler to bed." Lucas smiled at her and nodded and she slipped out the booth. The air was a little cooler now as she stepped out of the cafe but still warm. She had a new determination about her – which lasted just a few minutes. Then her gaze found something in the Tree Hill streets that turned that glimpse of a smile into an angry frown – Peyton Sawyer. Finally after months of useless anger for it being her Julian that died and not someone else, for being a failure as a mother she was able to redirect her anger towards someone.

* * *

After slapping Peyton and running away she made her way directly to Haley and Nathan's house. She wanted to see her children. She opened the door, the entire place was silent and she felt a sense of foreboding. Then she saw the cases. She crept further into the house and found a tearful Haley hugging her son while Brooke's own girls watched. Nathan and Tyler were nowhere to be found and Brooke so wished she knew what had occurred in her absence that day. As Haley turned towards the door she was surprised to see Brooke. She went over and hugged her friend.

"I'm sorry Brooke, I still want to be here for you but..." Haley let the sentence end there and Brooke was left utterly confused as Haley picked up the bags and left. The four occupants of the room watched the sad figure leave the house. Brooke turned to Jamie expecting him to have answers. He just shrugged. Her hollow eyed girls looked devastated and she realised that for them it was the second time in 3 months they were losing a mother. She bent and held her arms wide to them, a mere seconds hesitation and both girls where in her arms.

"I'm sorry left you girls, but I was so sad that daddy's gone." Tears, her constant companion, once again rose to her eyes as she hugged and spoke to her girls.

"We miss him too mom."

"I know baby."

"Hannah don't, mom's sad enough right now." Brooke's breathe was taken away by the maturity of her eldest child.

"It's okay Sophie, he'd be so mad at me for leaving you like I did. I'll try and do better." Sophie pulled back from her a little and stared her straight in her face while Hannah stayed nuzzled against her.

"I understand mom, you're different to other parents. Your love is movie love." Sophie moved in close again, once more leaving Brooke speechless. She and Julian had stressed to their girls from a young age that movie love was different from real life love. Neither had wanted the girls to experience the disappointment they had from setting too high a standard, little did they realise that loving one another with the intensity they did set the standard higher than any romance film.

**I know you all want more of Brooke with her kids but this is a slow burn for me and Brooke needs to become more accustomed to her grief before she can deal with the children's grief as well. I promise there will be some coming up.**


	11. Breakdown

**Apologies for the short chapter – World Cup kept me occupied.**

**Just quick note to say there has been brief overlap between last 3 chapters (Peyton, Brooke and Haley). Whereas chapters were days or weeks apart these 3 have been all 3 women on the same day.**

It had been easier for Haley to feign sleep at that point that to come up with anything to say to him when Nathan had first brought up the fact that he was now willing to have a baby. She'd spent days waiting for him to say it again, but he didn't. Deep down though she knew he'd meant it. She cursed him for doing this to her, and then felt guilty for wasn't she the one that had been unfaithful, nearing month five of her pregnancy she was in fact lying to him everyday just by not telling him of what was going on. She simply neglected to mention the doctor's appointments checking on the health of her baby. Nathan had been her Nathan again since Julian's death. The death of Julian and Brooke's subsequent heart breaking grief had it seemed shown both of them that they did still love one another, and Haley knew that though he would still be very much alive she was on the verge of losing Nathan and that terrified her. She resolved that she would tell him – today.

She arrived home just as he was pushing Tyler up the driveway after taking the girls to school.

"Hales what are you doing home again so soon? You forget something?" She wished it were that simple and the smile on his face made what she had to tell him worse. The nausea in her stomach she knew this time was nothing to do with her pregnancy.

"Actually Nathan I really need to talk to you – it's important." And again his delighted smile.

"Ok Hales, but I just need to tell you about what Tyler did on the walk home. He's so adorable. I'm just pushing him along and he's babbling away in his own little language and then clear as anything he says 'dada bike, bike dada.' And he's the most animated I've ever seen him as he points to this motorbike whooshing past us." Haley barely had chance to register just how happy this simple thing had made her husband, just how joyful he was to care for Brooke's delightful son before she heard the hollow voice.

"Julian had his midlife crisis just after Tyler was born." There was a trace of sarcasm in Brooke's tone and both Nathan and Haley turned to her shocked. "He bought a motorbike and Tyler just adored it. Every time he saw a bike he'd get excited and point thinking it was...thinking it was his dad. I guess he doesn't really understand that..." Brooke broke off and neither of them reached her before she had bolted from the house, Tyler seemed to barely register that the devastated woman who had disappeared as suddenly as she'd shown up was in fact his mother.

"Should we go after her?" Nathan's voice broke into her thoughts.

"I don't think so, she just needs time." Though she wasn't totally convinced that this were the truth she allowed herself to believe it, to believe that while Brooke had bolted from the house because of her grief the fact she'd left the house was an improvement. "Nathan we really need to talk." She knew she'd allowed Brooke's trauma to distract her from her own life and what she had to tell her husband. He nodded yet his attention was on releasing Tyler from the pushchair. Freedom his Tyler darted off to his favourite room in the house, Nathan duly followed and Haley trailed behind. With Tyler occupied with a banana Nathan sat at the breakfast bar finally fastening his attention on her. She had no idea where to start and felt close to vomiting with her nerves.

"Hales are you okay? You look awful, you need to lie down or something?" She held a hand up to stop him coming to her and placed the breakfast bar between them. Even in her state she could see the worry etched into his face.

"Nathan I'm so sorry. Before all this, when we were...falling apart...I was at the studio one night and instead of working I ended up drinking with one of the artists. We got really drunk and – Nathan I'm sorry." She could see him figuring out exactly what she was saying. "I should have told you this before, Nathan I'm pregnant." She watched him closely as the minutes ticked by, he looked dumbstruck and she could hardly blame him.

"You need to leave, take Tyler and leave." His words were strained and she knew he was about to erupt. She snatched the little boy up and disappeared. Camped out upstairs in the room that now housed Brooke's children's toys she could hear the smash of glass, the thud of a fist connecting with a wall and the sound of a door being ripped from its hinges. She couldn't stop the tears from falling as she allowed her knowledge of her husband and the sounds she could hear below paint a vivid picture in her mind or her husband destroying their home, giving into an anger that was beyond primal. The worst part however was knowing the rage he felt now was a blessing – she knew him enough to know that the rage was a smokescreen, protecting him briefly for the hurt and anguish he would naturally feel when the rage fell away. She had naively thought that listening to her husband destroy the home she loved because of her betrayal was the worst sound she'd ever heard – but the silence that followed was worse still. She looked up to discover that Nathan's war against their furniture had raged for almost two hours now, she swallowed and scooped Tyler into her arms. Amazingly he allowed her to deposit him in his new bed for his nap. A blessing right now for it would afford her an hour in which to try and speak to her husband.

Haley softly tread the stairs of her home, she saw Nathan sat on the floor, his head in his hands – their smashed wedding photo by his feet. Her self-loathing reached an all new high as she took in the devastation she had caused him.

"Nathan?" Her voice was soft as she approached him, one hand reaching out to touch his arm. His head jolted up at her voice and he batted the hand that reached for him away.

"Don't touch me." She withdrew her hand quickly, as though she'd been burnt and Nathan jumped to his feet. The tears in his eyes broke her heart, to know she had done this to him. "Who?" She hung her head.

"Josh Unbridge." Nathan shook his head in disbelief.

"Isn't it supposed to be me that trades you in for a younger model? Do you love him? Is he your new Chris Keller?" She knew Nathan had used that just to hurt her but instantly she was transported to a time when she had betrayed him and broken him. And he had trusted her again and years later she'd done the same.

"No I don't love him, I don't even think of him like...that. We were drunk and I thought our marriage was dying. He just said all the right things and made me feel special...I wish it hadn't happened, but it did and..."

"And now you're having his baby. Does he know? Have you both been laughing at me for – Christ Haley you said it happened when we were fighting all the time. That was at least 4 months ago! How long have you been pregnant and not told me? How long have you hidden it?"

"I only found out the day Julian died. Everything was such a mess and I needed to go to Brooke, then she had to come back with us and...Things have been getting better between us and I just...kept fooling myself that everything would be okay."

"I don't know what's worse Haley, the fact that you've known you were pregnant for 3 months and haven't told me, or that you could have gotten rid of it and didn't." How could she even begin to explain what she'd done to him?

"If I'd known that you'd change your mind, that you'd spend all this time with Tyler and then want a baby I would have. But I thought this was the only chance I had..."

"That makes it worse – that you just wouldn't tell me you slept with someone else Haley. I don't care what problems we were having – you cheated on me, with a musician of all people. Even if you weren't having his child there is no future for us now." She wept then, she had known Nathan would say exactly that, had known he would not want a life with her now and yet she had nurtured a small hope that maybe he would be able to forgive, that he loved her enough to see past her mistake. "I want you to leave Haley. I want you out of my house by the end of the day." Before she could formulate a response Tyler's cries could be heard. "I'm going to take Tyler out for some dinner. Pack while I'm gone." Nathan went to get Tyler and she soon heard the door slam shut behind them. She ventured into her kitchen to find plates and glasses smashed on the floor, one cupboard hanging off its hinges and broken plaster where Nathan had repeatedly hit the wall, a smattering of his blood around it. She located the sweeping brush and began to clean the debris of her home, barely even noticing the tears slipping down her cheeks. Her marriage was over. Even when she'd considered divorce during the worst times of the past year she hadn't really thought about the consequences of that – but now she could clearly see spending the rest of her life alone due to the horrifying thought that she could not possibly love anyone like she loved Nathan – and she had destroyed him with her infidelity. She couldn't even begin to contemplate her future, without him. Despite her pregnancy she had not even thought about actually having a baby.

"Mom what happened in here? Have we been robbed or something?" Jamie's concerned voice broke her from her cleaning trance.

"Can you help me clear up this mess please?" Her voice was thick with tears and her son – god love him – seemed to sense that the only thing she could handle right now was silently working side by side to repair the damage Nathan had inflicted as best they could. Once that particular job was done Haley searched out the number of a plasterer and left it pined to the fridge, instructing her son to make sure his father called the number when he got home.

"Mom what's happening?" She looked at him sadly as she realised the true extent of the damage she was causing.

"Will you come sit with me while I pack?" He looked at her so hurt and confused but followed her nonetheless. Jamie got her the case down from the top of the closet and she left it open on the bed while she began to throw clothes in, realising as she did so there wasn't that much she actually needed to take. The majority of her clothes would not serve her in the coming months. She was able to focus her attention on packing so as not to be witness to her son's face as she explained. "Jamie, your father wants me to leave and before you get mad he has ever right to ask me to do that. I'm pregnant – but to my eternal dismay I know it's not his. I made one stupid mistake that got me here. I'd wanted a baby for so long I just couldn't..." She let her sentence hang unfinished but Jamie was more than old enough to know exactly what she'd meant.

"That's what happened downstairs...did he hurt you?" Haley shook her head at her indignant son.

"Don't be ridiculous, he calmly asked me to Tyler away for a while. He raged downstairs causing the chaos and then we spoke briefly. He asked some questions and I gave some answers. He told me our marriage was over and he wanted me gone by the time he was back."

"He can't just kick you out you're pregnant...are you leaving for him?" She began to cry once more and cupped her baby boy's face in her hands.

"I'm not leaving you Jamie, I love you both so much but your father needs me to go and he deserves me to respect his wishes if nothing else right now. I will be okay." The lull in their conversation allowed them to hear the door open. Haley cast a glance to her open case and decided not to bother with anything else. As she'd previously considered her clothes would be of little use to her in a while. Jamie took her case in one hand and clasped his other around hers as they walked down the stairs. Sophie and Hannah looked bewildered by the presence of a suitcase.

"My mom is going away for a while." Haley thanked the lord for her son knowing there was little hope of her being able to speak right now. She hugged both girls, wishing she could see Tyler and Nathan before she left but knowing he'd planned it this way. A tearful goodbye to her son and she was ready to leave. Hope surged within her as the door opened only to be dashed when she saw Brooke. Haley went over and hugged her friend.

"I'm sorry Brooke, I still want to be here for you but..." Haley let the words hang not wanting to explain right now knowing she would have to do so again soon. She gathered her things and took one last look at her child before leaving.

* * *

She noted the surprised look on his face as he opened the door.

"Can I stay here for a while?" Her voice cracked and her tears fell as she spoke. He crushed her to him in a hug and took her bag ushering her inside. Wordlessly he settled her in the depths of the sofa and placed a hot tea in her hands. He waited patiently she knew for an explanation of what had brought her here. "I'm pregnant...and it's not Nathan's." Haley did think that if he let his mouth hang open like that much longer he could double as a fly catcher.

"How?"

"I got drunk at the studio with one of the artists. It was a mistake during the worst time of our marriage. I chose to have this baby because I thought it was my last chance,"

"But then Julian died and Nathan realised he did want a baby with you." She began to shake with the power of her sobs given the accuracy of his words. Lucas was next to her in seconds, pulling her into his embrace. "It's going to be okay hales, you'll both have a home here. Besides Nathan might come round." She shook her head.

"Lucas it's over. My marriage is over and I don't think anything will change that."

"Does the father know?" Stunned she realised that not once had she considered that now the truth was out she would have to tell josh about his impending fatherhood. She briefly considered not saying anything but realised the negative consequences it would have for Nathan. It would appear that he was kicking out his pregnant wife – rather than kicking out his adulterous wife.

"I haven't even thought how to tell him. He's barely older than Jamie."

"He's not important right now, don't let it worry you. I will take care of you Haley. You're still my best friend."

"I need to live here, but I don't want you to take care of me...the more important job I need you to do is take care of Nathan...and Brooke too. I brought her back here so she'd have all our support and now Nathan needs his own support, and I need a home. So much for her friends being there. Too much of our own drama."

"There's enough hours in my days to take care of all three of you. My priority right now is you. Nathan has Jamie with him and Brooke has her kids – and they have each other. For tonight let's just think about you."


	12. Aftermath

**Thanks again for the reviews. In answer to the question of whether this will be Brucas eventually that is the plan - but given that I do also like Brulian and for it to be realistic the Brucas MUST be a slow burn.**

**Thanks for reading.**

**Nathan**

Nathan rubbed his eyes as he stepped into his kitchen, he was exhausted and he did consider that said exhaustion was playing tricks with his mind. He would swear that Brooke was making breakfast. Her girls already dressed for school with pencils and colouring books covering the breakfast bar occupying them while she cooked. The faint thudding of a basketball outside alerted him to where his son was.

"Morning Nate." Now he was hearing things too, but as Brooke came over to take Tyler from him he realised he was indeed witnessing a complete transformation in her. When Tyler cuddled close to him as Brooke held her arms out to him he saw the anguish on her features that she quickly cleared away as she turned back to breakfast. "I hope you're hungry."

"Brooke..." She paused and turned to him, her stopping for that second allowed him to see that her ever present grief was still evident in her eyes. Though it offered little by way of explanation for her sudden change in behaviour. She bustled away again and turned her back to him while she was at the stove.

"So...Haley left yesterday." It wasn't exactly a statement nor was it really a question and he sighed. Tyler wriggled in his arms wanting to be set free. Nathan settled him on the floor with the makeshift drum – a pan and wooden spoon.

"She didn't exactly leave." He wondered briefly whether Brooke was prising information from him to get him to open up or whether she was actually in the dark. He suspected the latter given her non-responsive state of the past few months. "I told her to go." If Brooke was surprised then he saw no sign of it so continued. "She cheated on me and she's pregnant." The sound of the pan clattering from it's slightly aloft position in Brooke's hand back to the stove made him jump a little. She recovered quickly and soon had plates of food for the four children, calling Jamie in from outside. While they were eating she led Nathan to the next room.

"Haley wouldn't do that, you must have it wrong." Nathan shook his head sadly. If he was completely honest he would have insisted the same thing, despite his bitter words the previous day with regards to Chris Keller even he would say that Haley was the last person anyone would suspect of cheating. But she had. The simple truth. "Pregnant? Couldn't she..."

"No she's too far along for that now. She made her choice, and to be honest Brooke I don't think I'd be able to forgive her even if there was no baby. This isn't my Haley." She placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "What's with the 180 Brooke?" He desperately needed to think about something else and Brooke's welfare rated high on his list of importance.

"Yesterday I decided I needed to start being a mom again, I know I freaked when you said about the bike thing but I ran into Lucas in the cafe, and god it felt just like it did when we were young. I'm not saying this in a bad way because I appreciate everything you've done but standing there and thinking back to when Karen's place was home for me I just thought I need to start making a life for us again because otherwise I'll be the mom I never wanted to be and my kids will need to find someone else to make them a home and I don't want that. They lost him too and I can't keep hiding away because it won't make it better. Besides I...well when Haley left yesterday I just thought that...I just thought it was time for both our sakes."

"That doesn't mean you're leaving does it?" Nathan honestly didn't think he could stand it if they went, with only he and Jamie in the big house he feared the silence would consume them.

"Well not yet if that's okay?"

"I'm not ready to say goodbye to you yet Davis." Nathan embraced her and she rested a weary head against his shoulder.

"Brooke, can I talk to my dad alone please?" Nathan pulled away from Brooke and she slipped past Jamie back into the kitchen. He dreaded now having to explain to his son why Haley had gone.

"Jamie look let's sit down and I'll explain what's going on." Jamie shook his head at him.

"Don't...I know what she's done and why she's not here. I won't even begin to say I think what she did was right and all I want to say is I won't take sides dad. I saw what she was like when you guys were fighting all the time and it doesn't excuse her but you're not blameless. Happy people don't cheat. That being said whatever problems there are cheating is never the answer. I won't condemn her for what's she done, and that baby will be my brother or sister. I know it's all very new but I still love her, I'll love the baby and you need to deal with that. I can respect the fact you can't love her anymore, or even if you do that you can't be with her and you can't accept the baby. So you need to respect my decision." Nathan exhaled deeply, in shock at the maturity his seventeen year old was showing.

"Does that mean you'd rather I left?"

"No dad, she's with Uncle Lucas and she's safe. This is as much your home as hers and she's done wrong. I'm happy to stay with you, I'm just saying when she's on her feet I'll stay with her half the time too because you're both my parents and the only thing I'll ask of either of you is that by the time I graduate you need to be able to be around each other so you're both there and you need to not put me in the middle."

"When did you get so wise?" Nathan wondered what exactly he'd achieved in his life, he'd been off playing a game while Haley had raised a wonderful son. If he'd given up basketball would he still have Haley, would he have been a better father? He didn't have the answers and was smart enough to know asking the questions would probably make things worse. "Can your old man get a hug before you go to school?" Jamie grinned at him and the pair embraced tightly before Jamie slapped him on the back and yelled out a goodbye to Brooke and the children.

"Hey, I thought I'd take the girls to school and leave you and Tyler to...clean up." He'd almost said bond again but thought better of it as he stood in the entrance to his kitchen. She looked up and he saw the nervousness in her eyes.

"Okay." Her voice sound so small and he went over to hug her before going in search of his shoes.

* * *

**Brooke**

Brooke didn't know whether the pain in her heart caused by Tyler crying as Nathan left the house without him was a good thing given it meant she still felt normal emotions rather than the hideous grief of the past months, it broke her heart to realise it was her own actions that caused her baby to reject her like he did. He's baby cries for Nath Nath as she held his squirming body to stop him opening the door and rushing out after him. She tried to remember exactly what it was she had done with her son all day before. She twisted him round in her grip so he was facing her, she held him at arm's length both to stop his kicks landing on her and to allow for her to throw him into the air and catch him again. His cries abated and became hesitant laughter. She'd forgotten just how happy that sound could make her.

"Juice, juice." Another twist of the knife in her heart as she realised that someone else had been teaching him words. Juice had been the word she had been so desperately focused on him learning and now almost overnight to her ears he could say it. He toddled off into the kitchen and turned to look at her expectantly. She took his sippy cup off the counter and handed it to him. The simple act earned her a toothy grin and she melted. Somehow, though she didn't know how, in the midst of the throes of grief she had forgotten exactly how much she loved this little person.

"Hey Tyler you going to help mommy clean?" Tyler had always liked cleaning, sadly not as much as he enjoyed destroying things but still. Brooke had often given him a cloth or duster and he'd followed her through the house 'helping' and copying her. She held a damp cloth out to him which he accepted but looked at unsure. She began to wipe surfaces down and he watched her. She knelt beside him and began to clean the cupboard doors. "Tyler clean the cupboard for mommy." Shyly he stepped in beside her and lent forward to rub the cloth across the cupboard doors. She smiled, if she forgot that this was Nathan's kitchen and not hers it felt like everything was as it should be. Her cleaning up with Tyler after breakfast while her girls were ferried to school by their father – except their father was dead and it was Nathan who was caring for them. She felt tears well in her eyes once more but shook them away determined to get through an hour with her son without letting her grief control her. While Tyler cleaned the cupboard doors and swept the already clean floor she tidied away the breakfast things. Tyler dropped the sweeping brush when he heard the door open.

"Nath, Nath, Nath, Nath." His high pitched baby voice full of joy as he did his funny baby run to the door where Nathan swept him up into his arms. Brooke couldn't stop the thought that it should be Julian.

"It's still warm out for the time of year, I was thinking of taking Tyler in the pool – unless you had any plans." Brooke shook her head and it dawned on her just how in control Nathan was. She guessed that he was being Nathan Scott and ignoring whatever pain was in his heart right now. Which she could understand. While she had hidden away Nathan seemed intent on burying his feelings by continuing on as though nothing had happened. He whisked Tyler away and she followed them up the stairs to hunt for a bathing suit. She was mildly surprised to find out, she could neither remember packing or unpacking it. But then she reminded herself she'd done neither. Haley had handled everything. The mirror told her then exactly what had been happening to her these past few months, even her bathing suit hung from her. The body Julian had worshipped for its curves looking distinctly flat and older than her 35 years. But vanity was of little cause for concern now.

"Ball, ball." Nathan and Tyler were already in the water when she stepped outside. She noticed Nathan's shocked look when he saw her, heat flooded her cheeks, embarrassed as she recognised the slight repulsion at how bony she now was.

"I think I need to start force feeding you Davis." She gave a small smile to him and knew he'd say nothing more on the matter, for which she was relieved. She eased herself into the pool and squealed as Nathan splashed her. She batted water back at him, Tyler dissolved into giggles as he was caught in the crossfire. She couldn't stop the smile spreading across her face at her delighted son. As soon as it was there it was gone again – not before it was noticed.

"Stop feeling guilty for enjoying your son Brooke. Julian wouldn't wish you to stop living, to stop enjoying what you created together."

"It feels wrong to smile when he's gone."

"You can't cry forever, that's no way to raise his kids." And in a way only Nathan could he left her with profound words then pounding the beach ball into her face. She shook her head at him and rolled her eyes.

"You're an ass you know that." Nathan definitely brought out the best in her, in many ways he brought out the child in her, they resorted to behaviour they had engaged in when they were younger around one another. Today of all days though it wasn't necessarily about Nathan bringing out the best in her – or the most childish – or vice versa. It was about forgetting, resolving to enjoy a day and forget the pain that awaited when they lay alone in their beds. Neither was naive enough to believe it would not come.

* * *

**Peyton**

Peyton allowed her keys to drop onto her desk and let out a long sigh. When she'd spoken to Lucas the previous week she had been resolved to work harder at a civil relationship with him, convinced it would lead to a better relationship with Sawyer. She'd truly believed she could do it now she'd set her mind to it. She hadn't counted on all the other stresses of life – like the breakdown of her two friends' marriage, or the fact that Sawyer was hell bent on causing as much trouble for her as she possibly could. She let her bag thud heavily onto the ground. Haley had stopped by the day after Nathan had asked her to leave. She'd been a mess. Peyton had felt completely helpless. She'd wanted to call Nathan after Haley had left, she wanted to ask him how he was doing but held back. She didn't want to call the house and have Brooke answer. So she'd waited until she was at work the following day and e-mailed him. It had been three days before he replied to her and she was left on the verge of actually calling every day she waited for the icon telling her Nathan Scott had e-mailed her. It had been a brief note, the summary of it being that while he was devastated having Brooke and her children around was a great distraction for him and Jamie was being a rock. There hadn't been enough said for Peyton to get a true understanding of how he was coping and she wondered whether it was because he knew she'd known for a while now, or simply because he felt she was more likely to be supporting Haley than him. She idly wondered if it was possible to remain sideless in a split between two friends. If it wasn't she had to wonder how Lucas would manage, torn between his best friend and his brother.

Peyton felt the same sense of sadness that Lucas and Brooke felt – for all of them Nathan and Haley were the ideal. Their relationship was the one that would last, the one that weathered every storm. The fact that divorce hadn't been mentioned to Peyton's knowledge however left her hopeful there may be a reconciliation somewhere down the line. She'd known divorce was the answer almost immediately, the fact Nathan hadn't said the same allowed a glimmer of hope for her, though it was too early to share this with a distraught Haley. Haley had been fairly inconsolable every time Peyton had seen her or spoke to her, which she was making an effort to do daily.

"Hey." There was a slight tap to the doorframe from the recording studio and she looked up to find Josh. "I just...well some of the others are questioning what's happening. It's just someone noticed Haley not been showing up for her booked studio slots and the others wanted to know if they could have them...there's some rumours going round that she left her husband for his brother." Peyton pushed her unruly hair back from her face and tried not to let her anger show.

"Haley is staying with Lucas right now because Nathan asked her to leave. There's nothing but friendship between them."

"Oh right, so the studio time?"

"You don't want to know why Nathan asked her to leave – why she did it." Josh began to look even more uncomfortable than when he first stepped near to her desk. "I don't think I really need to tell you do I?" Peyton had no intention of informing him Haley was pregnant or that the baby was his – that decision lay with Haley. But she also wouldn't sugar coat the truth behind Josh's involvement in the entire mess. "Tell me Josh what was it that made complimenting a drunken woman whose marriage was falling apart a good idea. To boast – I mean Nathan may be retired but he's still a big name. Some scuzzy tabloid piece to heighten your own name. Haley needed a friend that night, not some ass seducing her when she was low and drunk."

"Hey don't make it sound like that, I love Haley actually. Everything I said to her I meant, she is beautiful, she is funny and she is incredibly talented and he doesn't appreciate her." Peyton was stunned, either Haley hadn't told her the whole truth about Josh or she simply wasn't aware of Josh's take on the situation. "If I'd known that jackass had found out and kicked her out I would have been there immediately, sure she wouldn't want to live at my apartment with the others, but I'd find a place for us." Peyton almost laughed at the thought.

"And Jamie?" Josh began to look a little uncertain.

"Well he's an adult already – practically."

"Grow up Josh, you don't love her. You barely know her, but for the record yes she is beautiful and funny and talented. But also Nathan does love her and he never said he didn't appreciate her – he's not a jackass and nor he throw her out. He calmly requested she go, had she said no he would have. Just because he's is desperately hurt by what she did doesn't mean he's turned into an ass and treating her bad through their break up because he isn't. You haven't the first clue about life. And Haley sees you as a kid, and as a mistake. Stay away her and for your own sake stay away from Nathan."

* * *

**Haley**

Almost two weeks since she'd told Nathan, since she'd even spoken to him. Jamie stopped by every day but seemed reluctant to discuss his father with her. Lucas called him daily and relayed bits and pieces back to her. It wasn't enough. She was desperate to see him, to speak to him. Though she accepted that her marriage was over, that for Nathan there was no going back there was a huge part of her that needed to at least try and get him to forgive her. To know she'd given it her all to mend her marriage. But then her baby would kick and she knew there was no chance Nathan would ever be able to forgive her when that child would be a constant reminder of what she'd done. Despite knowing that she was still resolved to giving it a go, to talking to him. She wouldn't be able to begin to move on and make plans for her future if she hadn't at least tried. The problem being he wouldn't answer her calls. However Lucas reliably informed her that Nathan always took Brooke's girls to school. So here she was waiting outside the elementary school to see her husband.

"Nathan!" She shouted as she finally saw his figure. She watched as he bent to speak to the girls who waved at them both before hurrying into school. She hurried over to him before he turned and left. "I'm sorry to just show up here, but I needed to see you, to talk." She realised her mistake as she processed the horrified look on his face. Unconsciously her hand was resting on her stomach, the stomach that now she was nearing her 6th month was clearly swollen with her pregnancy. And all the things she'd planned to say deserted her as she took in his expression.

"Haley it's not the time or the place for this."

"We could say it's yours." She'd blurted the words out before she'd even had chance to think about them.

"No we couldn't Haley. Even if, and that's an enormous if, I could get past what you did every time I saw that child it would just remind me of how much you're killing me at this moment and there's no way I can spend a life like that. I called Lucas' divorce attorney yesterday. I made an appointment for next week. I'll be filing on grounds of adultery. You can counter claim for irreconcilable differences if you want, but to be honest it'd be easier and less painful – not to mention quicker if you just accepted it. Perhaps if you do there's a chance everything will have been divided in time for you to find your own place before the baby is born." Haley couldn't have felt more pain if he'd had physically hit her, the emotional blow he'd struck so hard. "I'm sorry Haley, it's finished." With that he was gone leaving her clutching a hand to her heart and tears in her eyes. Stunned she began to move listlessly along the pavement, her feet took her to the studio. The only place where she could allow her voice to express her emotions, either by singing or seeking comfort from Peyton. But the studio was without Peyton. She thought it entirely empty and so sunk shell shocked into Peyton's chair, the soft leather hugging her tight.

"Haley, sorry I heard noise I thought it was Peyton." Her glazed eyes moved upwards to see him in the doorway. "Haley what's happened are you okay?" As he stepped towards her she jumped up and away. A big mistake, it was as clear to him as it had been to Nathan. "Is that why Nathan wanted you out of the house? Is it...mine?" A single tear slid down her face, she struggled to breathe and was unable to find the words to answer his question. Both stood frozen, him waiting for her to speak, Haley just bewildered at how she'd ended up here. This was when Peyton arrived. One look at the two and Peyton could see exactly what Josh now knew, whether Haley had planned it or not the truth was clearly out.

"Josh go home, take time out and process stuff." Josh looked at Peyton completely lost. "Josh, go home. Now is not the time, she's not in the right state to do this." He looked at Haley again and then went. Haley sank back into Peyton's chair as soon as he was gone. She blinked away her glazed expression.

"I went to see Nathan, I wanted to try and make him forgive me. He told me he was already booked with an attorney, he was filing for divorce. He told me it'd be better if I didn't contest – that there was a chance it'd be settled and I'd be able to get a home before the baby came. He looked horrified at the sight of..."

"Oh Haley I'm sorry."

"And then Josh saw me, he knows. I need to speak to him I guess."

"There's no rush, best to just have a little time to figure things out on your own first. Plus it'll give him chance to try and wrap his head around things."

* * *

**Lucas**

"Hey, fancy seeing you here." He smiled lazily at the brunette. She turned to him and he saw the pushchair. He raised an eyebrow but didn't comment. "You want to join me?" She nodded and he closed his laptop. He disappeared to the counter to get her a hot chocolate while she settled herself at the table. He slipped back into his seat and smiled at her.

"Thanks Luke." He smiled.

"So you must have had a busy morning." He inclined his head towards the pushchair which contained a sleeping Tyler.

"First time out the house since I last saw you, first time out with Tyler."

"That's good." She nodded. "Actually I was going to stop by to see you this afternoon but here you are saved me the trouble." She looked at him decidedly warily. "Brooke, Haley has been worried about you. She's not seen or spoken to you since she left. She said you don't answer your cell and she's been worried. Obviously stopping by isn't an option for her right now so she asked if I would check on you."

"Nathan has been taking good care of us."

"I don't doubt that, I imagine my little brother has been thankful of both the company and the distraction. However Haley could do with hearing first hand that you're...coping." Brooke blushed and looked away.

"You can tell her I'm ok."

"I could, or maybe you could call her and tell her. Since you're out anyway maybe even come by the house and see her." Lucas felt Brooke's hesitation.

"Lucas I...Nathan's heartbroken. It hurts to see him like he is."

"I get that Brooke but Haley's heartbroken too."

"She cheated."

"I understand your empathy lies with Nathan and I get why Brooke but one mistake in her marriage doesn't erase all the good things she did in her marriage and it certainly doesn't erase the fantastic she has always been to you, particularly since Julian died." Lucas took a perverse pleasure from look of shame that crossed Brooke's face.

"I know you're right it's just hard."

"Life is hard Brooke. I know what Haley did was wrong and she is paying for it. There's no need for you to punish her as well. She wouldn't do it to you. I did hear a rumour that you hit Peyton because she didn't show up to Julian's funeral and you were particularly mad because had the situation been reversed you would have put the past to one side for such a tragic occasion. Well if the situation were reversed Haley would be there for you, whether you were right or wrong."

"Are you going to stop preaching now?" He chuckled at the glimpse of the Brooke Davis he had once known.

"Here endeth the lesson." She smiled at him. "So moving on, I spoke to my mom yesterday and they are planning on visiting for Thanksgiving. They usually come every year actually given that it's not a holiday over in England. I know she'd love it if you came to the house for dinner with your children...perhaps Nathan could be persuaded to join you." Lucas knew there was little hope Nathan would come and suspected that if Nathan didn't Brooke would be inclined to stay away as well. Probably from a combination of being unable to face her first holiday without Julian and loyalty to Nathan.

"Will Peyton be there?" Lucas laughed.

"Not a chance. Peyton might have made the magnanimous decision to play nice but that's a step too far. However it has been a long held tradition that since Peyton has Sawyer Christmas Day I get her for Thanksgiving."

"It must be hard not being with her for holidays and stuff." He shrugged, it wasn't ideal but this was what it had been like since she was a baby, he was used to it.

"It'll be worse when Peyton gets married and they move away with mark's job. I can't say I blame him, there can't be much for the chief of police to do in Tree Hill – not since Dan left anyway. But I can't imagine anything worse than being so far apart from my child." He could have kicked himself. "Brooke I'm sorry I..." She shook her head to cut him off.

"Don't be, you're right. As much as I love Julian if someone held a gun to my head and made me choose between him and one of my children it would obviously mean never seeing him. But he would have made the same choice so...It's strange but most of the time I can forget he's gone. He worked away on movies for months at a time, sometimes up to a year he'd be gone. Sure there'd be visits here and there but because of that it's making it easier to deal with life day by day. I know I'm fooling myself really by allowing myself to believe it's the same as when he was working but it makes it bearable. It makes getting up and being a mom achievable." In comparison to what Brooke was going through Sawyer moving across the country was almost insignificant.

"Brooke, I'm sorry to do this to you but I need to talk to someone and bizarrely it feels like you've got it more together than Nathan or Haley right now. Plus I guess given that you don't really know Peyton or I anymore you be able to be objective. Sawyer has a strained relationship with Peyton and Peyton and I have a dreadful one. Peyton has resolved to make efforts to improve things between us – mainly because Sawyer does lean towards daddy's girl and Peyton thinks if things are better with us Sawyer will thaw towards her. Anyway this all happened after a huge fight where after months of insisting to Sawyer that even if she did want to stay with me I wouldn't do that to Peyton I snapped when Peyton threatened me and told her I'd go to court to keep Sawyer with me because that's what she wanted. Well Sawyer still wants that but Peyton is trying to make things better. Do I let Sawyer down when I've said I'll look into keeping her here because of the idea a child should be with their mother or do I actually listen to my child?" He regretted asking broke the instant he stopped rambling and looked at her stunned face.

"I'll take the first part as a compliment shall I? Though by comparison it's probably not given the state of them. Lucas I can't tell you what to do, if someone wanted to take my child across the country I would fight to the death to stop it happening, which I'm sure Peyton would do if you challenge her. But if Sawyer really wants to stay and live with you then maybe consider it. I mean is Sawyer so determined to live with you because when you're the non-resident parent you do tend to be more fun and less strict. It may be worth trialling it before Peyton leaves to see whether it's because she wants to be here and with you or whether she thinks she'll get an easier ride. Also when pitching to Peyton try coming from the angle that if she's living with you Peyton gets the fun stuff and you get the crap. If Peyton does want to improve her relationship with Sawyer it might just swing things in your favour."

"Thanks Brooke and I apologise for putting you on the spot."

"It's okay, all the advice you've handed out to me I guess I owed you. I should get going. I will call Haley." She stood and put her coat on, she turned to leave. Before she did he couldn't hold the words in any longer.

"I like talking to you." She turned back to him giving him a wary look. "I don't mean that in a bad way or wrong way I just meant that – I never realised how much I missed being your friend until you were here and we spoke and it felt like we were again." Her stricken features relaxed a little.

"I think I missed being your friend too." She glanced round the cafe and her eyes rested on the sign. "It's not just a feeling, or a place – it can be people too." She looked at him then. "And I get it from you – just like I do with Nathan and Haley." He smiled at her and she attempted to smile back. Then she was gone.


	13. Dealing with Emotion

**Firstly an apology it's taken me a while to update this fic – however my apology for that is a longer than usual chapter. Also I just want to thank everyone for the great reviews they are what keep me going!**

**Brooke**

Brooke took a second to gather herself before knocking on the door in front of her, it didn't take long for it to be opened and she gasped in shock at the person on the other side. In the two weeks since she'd seen her the fact Haley was pregnant had become oh so obvious. In addition to which the other woman was clearly in the midst of a sob-fest.

"Haley what's wrong?" The apprehension she felt at taking so long to come and see Haley, given her feelings on infidelity melted away at the sight of her friend – the friend who had been a rock when Julian died. Brooke stepped over the threshold and enveloped Haley in her arms.

"Got..." Sob. "Papers." Sob. "Nathan." Sob "Lawyer." Sob "Divorce. Sob "Today." Sob. Brooke managed to deduce from the few words she could hear between sobs that today Haley had received the papers from Nathan's lawyer petitioning for divorce. She moved the two of them in the house and kicked the door shut with her foot. She got Haley settled on the sofa and went to the kitchen to get her a drink of water. Back she went and when Haley had finally stopped crying she spoke.

"I'm sorry I've been such a lousy friend I..." Brooke wanted to find an excuse but she knew Haley would see right through it.

"I understand – you hate cheating after...I'm glad you're here now though. I have worried about you, Luke said you'd seemed ok when he saw you and that when spoke to Nate he'd said were doing better." Brooke felt instantly shamed by the fact Haley a) understood, b) was so forgiving and c) was concerned so much about her. She truly was the better friend.

"That's no excuse, you're my best friend and you were there when I needed you I should have done the same."

"Honestly Brooke, I knew when you found out it would be a while before you remembered how much you love me, I knew your first loyalty would be to Nathan, because you hate cheating and also because sometimes I think that you two understand each other in a way that none of us will ever get because in some ways you're exactly the same. Parental damage being one similarity." Brooke shrugged.

"Well you know Nate has to do one better, saw my parental neglect and raised me a parent slash murderer." Haley grinned at her.

"You really have great timing you know, Lucas is in New York for two days seeing his editor. I know it sounds crazy because he told me he was seeing a lawyer and that he was filing for divorce on the grounds of my adultery – but honestly actually getting the papers was like – pain I've never felt before. I suppose it's crazy but I still want him to forgive me. Which seems like insanity because just a few months ago I considered leaving him."

"I'm sorry I was such a crappy friend."

"Brooke you have more than enough on your plate and I deserve scorn from people."

"I don't mean since Nathan found out, I mean before that, before Julian even. If I was a better friend and we talked more and I was there for you when your marriage was in trouble – well it might not have ended like this."

"Now you're talking crazy. Brooke I had Lucas and Peyton to talk to, talking wouldn't have stopped this. I got drunk and did something insanely stupid. I regret cheating and I hate the pain I've caused, but the fact is I wanted another baby – yes I wanted it to be Nathan's. But nothing's ever perfect. Now not wishing to break this touching moment but I need to pee." Brooke shook her head with a grin as Haley heaved herself up and went to the bathroom.

"Go ahead tutor-mom don't let me stop you." Haley glanced back at her with a wide smile across her features. Brooke guessed it was the use of the almost forgotten tutor-mom. For the first time Brooke allowed herself a glance around the house that once upon a time had been her home, however briefly. She stood and found herself gazing at the collection of pictures adorning the walls. Most were of Sawyer, either alone, with Luke, Jamie, Haley or Nathan. But there were some of her with Karen, Andy and another girl. Brooke felt the breath go from her body as she stared into the girl's eyes. Without realising her hand had rose to rest on her heart.

"She's just Keith isn't she?" Tears had filled Brooke's eyes and she hadn't noticed Haley come back into the room. Unable to speak Brooke nodded. "You've not seen Lily since Sawyer was born have you? She's amazing, she's at college over in London. She's teased Jamie for so long now because compulsory education finishes over there at 16, she has college until she's 18, then university. She's planning on doing a degree in Mechanical Engineering at University of Oxford, which according the people she's spoke to there despite it being a tough school to get into she's got a strong application already and she hasn't even taken her exams yet. Karen tells me it's the best university in England. The pride in her voice is amazing. She truly is the most intelligent, hard-working girl I've ever met. And she's not a tomboy or a real girls' girl. She's just Lily. It's strange how she can be so like someone she never even met – right down to her mannerisms. Of course she sounds very British now they've been over there so long. Keith would be so proud of her."

"Does she ask about him?" Brooke was doing her best to keep her tears in.

"Not much now, she did when they first told her. Thing is, for as long as she can remember Andy has been her dad. She knows Keith is her dad, she knows why he's not here. But she says that she always had a dad so she never missed him in that respect and feeling anything else feels disloyal to Andy. She also says that if he is the man we all make him out to be he wouldn't be upset by that and the truth is how could she possibly miss someone who was never there and that she never knew. I think sometimes that hurts Karen, but Lily is very well adjusted to her circumstances and tries her best to keep everyone happy. I think part of her does if not miss then certainly regret the life she could have had - but Andy has been a fantastic father figure to her." Brooke was unable to keep her tears in at that point. She felt Haley turn her into her embrace and let her head rest upon Haley's shoulder, clinging to her as she sobbed.

"Tyler will never remember anything about Julian. It'll be like Lily and Keith, strangers. He'll never know how wonderful his father was. I mean the girls are still so young, they'll forget too. They won't really know him, their memories will only be kept alive by my words and by pictures. They won't remember the things he cherished about them. Haley...I just want him back. I need him so much and I love him...I'm waiting still. It still feels like he'll come home soon, from some movie set in the middle of nowhere bemoaning the months he's been away from us. I just want him – we never even said goodbye. If I'd known I would have held him so tight, I wouldn't have let go. I would have told him I loved him more." Haley rubbed Brooke's back and shushed her.

"He knew Brooke, he knew how much you loved him, you didn't have to say it. You can't predict what the girls will remember, they may well remember things even you forget. Sweetheart it is such a tragedy what happened to you, I can't even begin to imagine how it hurts, but one look at Karen and I know somewhere inside of you is the strength to get through this, even if it's only for your children – for Julian's children!"

"I came here to comfort you and now you're comforting me – how did that happen?" Brooke managed a small smile as she spoke.

"I broke my marriage, yours was taken away." Brooke wanted to say something to make Haley feel better, but there was an undeniable truth about her words. Sure her marriage may have been rocky when she cheated – but there was a way back from a rocky marriage. Breaking the silence allowing Brooke chance to process her thoughts was a knock at the door. Although Brooke couldn't see who was on the other side from Haley's body language she knew whoever it was Haley didn't want to see.

"Haley, I've given you weeks to think this through and I've done the same." Brooke realised then the male voice could only belong to one person. She inched closer her natural curiosity demanding she see the man who was jointly responsible for this mess. "I love you, I loved you before anything happened and I've loved you since and I'll love my child – I want you to marry me." Brooke's eyes nearly popped out of her head as she finally was able to see the man – well boy – who spoke. He was on bended knee with a ring before Haley. Haley who for a second looked absolutely dumbfounded. Then she did something Brooke did not expect – Haley laughed. Brooke watched the pair of them in amazement, Haley's uncontrollable laughter and the somewhat broken hearted expression on the boy's face. When her laughter finally stopped Haley wiped away a tear or two and spoke.

"Get up Josh. For goodness sake don't be so ridiculous, I'm not going to marry you. We had drunken sex – a marriage does not start from drunken sex. Nor is a baby a reason to get married. My god you're such a child still. Josh you're sweet you are, and part of me is so touched by you wanting to take responsibility for this and while I haven't decided how I plan on raising this child I do know it's not going to be as your wife, or your anything. I love my husband, and while I accept my marriage is over that doesn't mean I want anyone other than Nathan. What we did was a mistake, I'm sorry if you feel differently but it is."

* * *

"He proposed to her!" Brooke jumped as the door to her room was flung open by an incredibly furious looking Nathan. Her eyes widened as she realised exactly what had just happened.

"Nathan don't get mad." His fist hit the wall.

"Mad? I'm furious Brooke, for god's sake we're not even divorced yet and he proposes!"

"Nathan you initiated the divorce, she got the papers today. You don't want her anymore remember."

"You know me better than that Brooke, it doesn't mean I don't love her but if I don't trust I can't be with her. It doesn't mean that asswipe can go and propose to my wife."

"I understand what place you're in Nate, I do. But there really is no point in getting so worked up – Haley just laughed in his face before telling him what happened was a mistake, she loved you and even though you weren't together anymore that wasn't about to change." Instead of her words calming him Brooke watched as Nathan got more riled up. She should have known this would come eventually, while she had wallowed in her grief Nathan had continued on for several weeks as though nothing had happened. Despite his years giving him a maturity Nathan Scott still had a vicious temper, while he managed to control it most of the time Brooke was well aware that it was still possible to set him off. It looked very much like he was about to explode with the hurt, anger and betrayal that he had managed to sidestep feeling for so long.

"I'll kill him!" Brooke jumped up to race after him as Nathan tore out her room and down the stairs.

"Nathan!" Brooke failed to reach him before he was in his car. Despite her banging her fists against the window he didn't stop. She screamed his name once more as she watched him reverse out the driveway and tear off down the street. Damn! She couldn't leave the children to go after him and Jamie was at a friend's so couldn't watch them. Lucas! She was almost back inside before she remembered Haley telling her Lucas was in New York. There was only one other person she could call and while she was loathed to do so she knew deep down she had no choice.

* * *

**Peyton**

She idly wondered whether it would be wise to trial living together before they got married, mainly because if she was honest on the nights they'd agreed Mark would stay in his own home Peyton missed him. Initially the decision had been taken for Mark to stay only on the nights Sawyer was with her dad, Peyton believed it would be less of a strain on her relationship with her daughter that way – but she didn't think much would help that at this point. Even when Sawyer was at home she was rarely actually there.

She'd had yet another tough day, she'd had to break away from recording Mia's new song with her to drag herself into school to have a meeting with Sawyer's principal. Apparently Sawyer had smuggled cigarettes into school. Unfortunately for Peyton Sawyer had seen the principal approaching and had bolted, meaning that Sawyer was suspended for three days and currently AWOL. Peyton wondered whether normal parents would be angry, or worried that their thirteen year old had been missing for 6 hours. Peyton knew Sawyer would turn up by curfew though. As difficult as Sawyer was she did stick to her curfew – mostly. This was because she knew if she missed curfew Peyton would insist she didn't spend any time at her father's that week. And surprisingly it had always been the one thing she and Lucas had agreed on. While she knew it hurt Lucas the few times they'd had to enforce that punishment the threat generally had the desired effect and Lucas had always said he had to forgo time with her if it meant he knew she was home safe at the right time. When she remembered instances like that she did think that perhaps she was a little hard on Lucas at times. But she was making an effort now.

Sawyer running out also gave Peyton more time to figure out an appropriate punishment. And to let the day's stresses out of her system with a hot bath. She was just about to put a foot in with the phone rang, she cursed and went to answer it.

"Hello?"

"Is that Peyton?" Peyton knew that voice anywhere and knew that the caller knew her voice enough for the question she'd just asked to be redundant.

"Yes it's Peyton – Brooke."

"I need your help...Nathan found out that the kid proposed to Haley today. He went crazy." Peyton knew what was coming, she felt it in her very bones. Just as she could hear the panic and worry in her former best friend's voice. "He stormed out of here saying he'd kill him and I didn't know who to call because Lucas is out of town and it's not something Jamie should have to deal with and I can't leave my children and..."

"I'll get Mark."

"No!"

"Why not?"

"I don't want Nathan getting in trouble." Peyton rolled her eyes.

"He's off duty, besides Mark is very loyal to me and my friends, and Sawyer too. He'll always do his best to protect us cop or not." Peyton couldn't help the irritation in her voice despite the nagging in her head that Brooke was not to know any of this because Brooke did not know Mark, nor did she know her anymore.

"Oh, well you'll probably have a better idea of where to look than me. Thank you Peyton." Peyton almost laughed.

"Don't thank me, we both know you only called me for Nathan's sake and because Luke isn't here, and we also both know I'm only helping for Nathan's sake." Peyton suddenly felt bad about the harshness in her tone. "I'll bring him home safe and sound. Bye." With that the blonde hung up. She dialled Mark's number and settled the cordless between her shoulder and her ear while she disappeared into her bedroom to pull on some clothes.

"Hey you, miss me?" Mark's voice always brought a smile to her face no matter the circumstance and this was no exception.

"I need you to meet me at the studio – Brooke called me, Nathan is heading over there to _see _Josh."

"I'll be right there." With that the pair hung up and Peyton tugged on her boots before hurrying out her house. She once again felt shame at allowing herself to be more concerned with one friend than the other. Nathan obviously wasn't handling the situation very well if he was heading over to crack the skull of a kid like Josh, because despite his 21 years he was very much a child still, both by comparison to them and because of his manner. He had so little life experience, or maybe by age 21 they'd all had too much. A few years ago Peyton had put in a separate entrance to the studio, meaning you could now access it without going through Tric, a fact for which she was extremely thankful for. Nathan would not be witnessed by anyone nor would any of the doormen attempt to get involved. The quicker and quieter the situation could be resolved the better. She pushed the door open and closed her eyes for a second not knowing what exactly would be happening inside.

"She's my wife!"

"You kicked her out and she's having MY baby, so what if I did propose?"

"You little punk, we'd be having our own baby now if it weren't for you!"

"Yeah right! Your marriage was dead when we hooked up, it wouldn't have happened if it hadn't been. She cried to me about the fact it was over."

"Our marriage was struggling, but in the land of grown ups that DOES NOT mean that we wouldn't have worked it out – for your information we ALWAYS work it out."

"I think always is an overstatement considering the fact you're divorcing her. And she's having my baby."

"Josh shut up – quit while you're only marginally behind." Both turned to Peyton surprised they hadn't even noticed her arrival.

"I'm ahead from what I can see, it won't be that much longer before Haley realises that this baby gives us a shot – now she's out from under this ass who never really appreciated her, who led her on for years just so he could live his dream then when it was over dashed hers. You don't deserve her, and whether you made the final break or she did it doesn't matter. She wanted to go." Peyton's eyes widened at Josh's words. He was so far from the mark in thinking Nathan didn't appreciate his wife, even she knew that. Yes there may have been some truth in the other stuff but Peyton was certain Nathan hadn't led Haley on about the baby intentionally, people changed their minds about stuff all the time! She and her ex husband had promised to be together til death did they part and look how that turned out. Neither had gone into the marriage thinking it would end, feelings changed and it couldn't be controlled. She could understand where Nathan was coming from in fact, if Mark asked her to have a child now she'd insist she was far too old! Sawyer was more than enough trouble for one lifetime. Peyton almost grinned at Nathan's smirk, it reminded her oh so much of high school.

"She wanted to go – that be why she came and asked me to reconsider, said we'd raise the baby as ours and no one, not even you would need know any different." Peyton was stunned by what happened next. When Brooke called her she felt certain that she'd be dragging Nathan away from a boy just a couple of years older than his son, so she was amazed that it was Josh who threw the first punch. Nathan hit harder than he got though and Peyton dived into the fray, not to save Josh but she knew that there was only a certain amount Mark would be able to overlook. She shouted out in agony as her head hit her desk, she had no idea who'd thrown her off the brawling pair but whoever it was the result was the same. Her vision blurred and she saw stars.

"Peyton?" Two Nathan's approached her and she vaguely saw the concern on his face before she saw the younger man leap onto his back and pull Nathan back into the fight. That was the sight which greeted her fiancé as he marched into the room. One glance at her and Mark was with the two men, he hauled Josh away from Nathan and stood between the two men.

"I don't give a shit who screwed who's wife. I don't really care who started this fight. What I do care about is order in MY town, and what I care about even more than that is which of you assholes hurt the woman I love." Peyton had managed to use the desk to pull herself upright though the room was spinning.

"Mark, I don't know which of them it was. Nathan did come to help but..." She trailed off and Mark turned his attention back to the two men. He scowled at both.

"Since Peyton doesn't know which of you did this to her it means I can't haul the guilty party down to the station on assault charges, needless to say I hold you both responsible. Now I don't give a shit why this happened, or what went on here tonight before you threw down with one another. I see either of you within a hundred feet of each other after today and I'm taking you into the station, I'll start with breaking the peace and see where I can go from there. Josh get your ass home now." The younger man glared at Nathan and scowled at the cop before stormed from the building.

"Peyt I'm sorry, I didn't mean for you to get hurt." Nathan's apology fell on somewhat deaf ears where her fiancé was concerned.

"Well she did, so maybe you should have thought about that before you started this crap."

"I'm sorry I am, I didn't even think you'd be here." Peyton stumbled into Mark's arms still unable to focus.

"Brooke called I..." With that she vomited, narrowly missing her fiancé.

"I think it's a trip to the emergency room. Nathan just go home."

"No!" Peyton wished she hadn't disagreed as vehemently as the pain shot through her head. "I promised Brooke I'd take him home safe and I will. So we either drop him off and then go to the hospital or take him with us." Mark frowned at his fiancé but knew better than to argue.

"He'll have to come with us, maybe then he'll realise actions have consequences." Nathan trailed after the pair little a scolded puppy. But he did briefly consider the fact that Brooke had called Peyton, that Peyton had spoke to her. Maybe there was hope for the pair yet.

* * *

**Nathan**

He rubbed his face tiredly as he walked through his front door. The clock in the car he'd just gotten out of had informed him it was 3a.m. Not the best time to be getting home. He could practically hear his bed calling his name. Truth was that he was thoroughly ashamed of himself after having spent the better part of 5 hours waiting for a doctor to check Peyton over. She had mild concussion from hitting her head on the desk at Red Bedroom and he knew that whether he had tossed her away from the fight or not he was the one to blame for her injury. Though she was much more forgiving than Mark. Then again were the situation reversed and Haley had been the one hurt, whether by accident or design he most certainly would have been pissed. Which served to highlight exactly what the evening already showed him. He still loved his wife dearly. He'd been able to bury everything until discovering the boy who impregnated his wife had proposed to her. The light being switched on almost blinded him and caused him to shield his eyes.

"Where the hell have you been?" He almost laughed at the furious brunette stood before him. Her words echoed that of an angry wife but the concern etched across her features was that of a worried little sister, which in many ways it felt like she was.

"The hospital." At her alarmed expression he elaborated. "Peyton tried to pull us apart and got thrown into her desk, hit her head pretty hard and Mark wanted to get her checked out. Since she promised she'd bring me home herself she said I had to go with them first."

"Is she okay?" Nathan shrugged.

"She'll be fine." Silence enveloped the pair for second before the angry woman hit out at the man.

"What the hell were you thinking?"

"Look Brooke, fact is I love Haley, I probably always will. But you of all people should understand the place I'm in, how can I be with her despite loving her if I no longer trust her?" he knew phrasing it like that was a low blow but he was tired and still angry.

"I know Nathan, but going out and beating the crap out of a kid barely older than your son is not the answer."

"I've been so focussed on you and your kids and your problems that it made it easy to pretend all this wasn't happened. But when I found out about today I snapped okay. The hurt and the humiliation and betrayal and anger just hit me smack between the eyes and while this might not have been the best way of handling it I'm sure you'll agree it was one hell of a lot better than going and bawling out a hormonal pregnant woman – one who I still love and don't think I can possibly face right now without it breaking my heart." It was the most Nathan had said to anyone about the utter despair he felt over the state of his marriage. Deep down he knew he was angrier at Haley than at Josh, but it was easier to target Josh. A fact which gave him a much better understanding of his friend Peyton. It was easier to blame the third party than it was to let the hatred swell for a person you still loved.

"Just promise me you won't go out and do that again Nathan. I prefer you here rather than in prison for murder." He nodded and held her tight as she embraced him.

"Will you stay with me tonight?" The silence made his heart ache. "I just don't want to be alone." He felt her nod her ascent against his chest. He was already in bed before she came in from her room in her pyjamas. Neither spoke as she slipped into the space that belonged to Haley.

"You're sure you can't forgive her?" Brooke's voice was barely above a whisper and he had to strain to hear her.

"I want to Brooke, I want to forgive her because the thought that I'll never get to hold her, or kiss her again breaks my heart. But I don't know how to be with her after this. My first reaction was to despise her for cheating on me, but now it's sunk in and the reality of it is if she wasn't pregnant maybe I would be able to eventually. But I changed the person I was because that person didn't deserve her...and it doesn't matter that it was almost twenty years ago I did that I still did it for her. I guess it's just that the Haley I fell in love with would never ever cheat. So now it feels like she's not really my Haley anymore."

"But you miss her? I wouldn't be laid if you didn't." Her words pierced his heart.

"I do miss her, but truthfully I missed her long before she left. I know my change of heart about having another baby caused the rift. But I just feel like this is one challenge too many." Brooke turned from having her back to him to being laid towards him as he stared at the ceiling laid on his back. He felt her hand rest over his heart.

"She's still in there."

"I'm not ready to say goodbye."

"I know the feeling." He knew from the tone of her voice she was crying despite her having turned away from him again. No words would offer her comfort at this point, so he turned on his side and moulded his body into hers, his arm her middle. She clasped his hand with her own. "Nobody wants to be lonely."

"But it happens."

"Sometimes it's inevitable – and sometimes it's in our power to change it." He knew she was discussing their different situations. For Brooke her husband was forever out of her reach, but for Nathan his wife just felt out of reach. Brooke seemed to have more faith in his marriage and 'Naley's' love than he did.

* * *

He awoke to find Brooke watching him.

"You grind your teeth in your sleep. Is that when you're mad or all the time?" He shrugged, it'd been a long time since he'd shared a bed with someone other than Haley. He had no idea what he did while he was asleep. Nathan gently took her friend's hand as the pair lay side by side staring at the ceiling.

"So are we actually going to talk about yesterday?"

"I got the feeling you didn't want to." He rolled his eyes, she could be so obtuse when she wanted to be.

"I meant before I stormed out. How long have you been talking to thin air?" He felt Brooke tense up beside him.

"I don't."

"Brooke I heard you."

"Who said it was thin air?" He knew precisely where her argument would go, Brooke Davis would not confide in people if she could help it at all.

"Brooke, let's skip the games and just tell me the truth." He allowed the silence to stretch between them simply because he felt it was a positive sign.

"Just a few weeks, and for the record it's not thin air. It's Julian. I talk to my husband, we have conversations and he just...appears sometimes." Nathan hadn't realised it was quite as serious as it suddenly sounded.

"He talks back?"

"Kind of."

"How so?"

"Nathan please stop. I'm not crazy. I know he's not there – but if it makes me feel better who does it harm?" With that her final comment she pulled herself out of bed. "I'm going to start breakfast." She then left Nathan to ponder how exactly to fix this situation.

* * *

**Lucas**

Lucas opened the door to find his little brother on the other side, a sure sign times had changed as Nathan would normally just walk right in.

"I hear Tree Hill has just been full of drama while I was in New York." The Scott smirk graced Lucas' features as he spoke. Nathan glowered at him and barged past. Lucas shook his head in amusement and closed the door behind the brunette, turning to his brother. "I'm assuming the fact that Haley went to the studio thirty minutes before you showed up isn't a coincidence."

"So I'm not ready to see her, big deal."

"Don't want to see her but love her enough to go beat up a kid who is..."

"Only a few years older than my son. I've heard it Luke and I didn't come here for another lecture."

"So why did you come here? It's been a while since you darkened my door." Nathan shot the older man another glare.

"Can you just be serious for a second? I came here for two reasons, one what I'm about to tell you Haley also needs to know and I'm not ready to talk to her and two I'm out of my depth." Worry knotted Lucas' features and he had a sinking feeling it was Brooke Nathan was talking about.

"I'm listening."

"Not one of you has bothered to ask how I found out about the proposal." Nathan looked expectantly at Lucas, Lucas sighed.

"Ok I'll bite, how did you find out?" The brunette began to pace the room which served no real purpose to either man but did heighten the worry in the pit of Lucas' stomach.

"I went to ask Brooke if she wanted to watch a movie and I heard her in her room telling someone. She was alone." Lucas laughed.

"You do know there's a newfound invention called a phone right."

"She hasn't spoken to anyone since she got here. Besides the way she spoke, the way her voice sounded I just knew."

"Knew what?"

"The next day I asked her and she admitted I was right. I just didn't know how right until she told me. She wasn't just telling Julian what happened, he was there having a conversation with her. Apparently she sees him a lot when she's alone. They sit and talk like they used to."

"That's...does she...?"

"She knows he's not real. She just doesn't think it's hurting anyone."

"Whereas you think..."

"Sure technically not hurting anyone. But if she conjures him up for a chat whenever she wants I just don't see her, for lack of a better phrase 'getting over him.'" Lucas licked his lips and while Nathan had stopped pacing to stare at him expectantly he started to.

"I get what you're saying, maybe it'll stop by itself. Maybe when she's past the worst of her grief she'll stop seeing him."

"I'm not sure I'm willing to gamble on maybe Luke." Lucas paused in front of his brother.

"Nate I don't know. I haven't got the answers. I'll talk to Haley see what she thinks. If she's as lost as we are then we'll just have to put our faith in the power of Karen Roe, who will be here for Thanksgiving in just three weeks."

"Did she ever?" Lucas shrugged.

"If she did I never caught her in the act."

* * *

"Well fancy seeing you here." The brunette looked up from staring into her drink to muster a small smile for the blonde.

"This is almost getting regular Lucas Scott – people will talk." Underneath the comment he heard a hint of the often sarcastic Brooke he used to know. He slid into the booth opposite her, careful not to disturb the toddler sleeping in the pushchair.

"Let them." Lucas didn't think he knew how to approach the Julian topic so decided to steer clear. He reasoned that if she was unwilling to discuss it with Nathan he stood no chance. So instead he offered a grin to her as he spoke. "I wouldn't be against doing this on purpose you know." She wrinkled her forehead in confusion. "I mean actually arranging to see one another. It sounds crazy but I didn't realise I missed our friendship until you were here." She smiled.

"You were the one person I didn't think I missed, until I got here. I guess I missed your friendship too." Though he knew she didn't mean to offend with her words and he certainly understood the reasoning it hurt nonetheless.

"It's my fault you missed the others." He wasn't quite able to read the look on her face then.

"Don't blame yourself, yes you did something reckless and supremely stupid. But the fact is I chose to stay away from my friends, and Peyton chose to blame me for everything and to walk away from our friendship. I know the stakes were higher than in high school but I forgave her when actually did wrong by me, she couldn't do the same when I'd stayed loyal. You were the cause of the problem Luke but by no means the one to blame. Peyton and I could have salvaged our friendship if she'd been willing and she wasn't."

"I know that you're right, but there's still a part of me that thinks I should have kept my mouth shut." Brooke shrugged indifferently.

"It happened and you can't take it back. Would we all have been happier, perhaps? Or perhaps it would have been worse. The truth is Luke I spent a lot of years keeping back the fact I still loved you – for Peyton's sake. It ate away at me and made it almost impossible to move on. It hurt watching you two get married even though I'd met Julian by then. Maybe it was better for your soul to just admit it." Her words came as a surprise to him since he'd believed she'd stopped loving him that way in high school. Though it was totally irrelevant now it was still a surprise.

"I'm not trying to say I didn't love her, I did. But looking back even I wonder at the insaneness of 'Leyton'. I mean honestly I don't even know where it came from. When we were together I was so in love with you. Couple of months later I was with Peyton declaring I'd always loved her. I think the truth was I thought I could love her, given time. And everyone else just kept telling me that it was obvious I always had. I think it was the same for her. We probably could have ended up having a happy life together, but I think the problem with us was always that the reality didn't actually live up to the fantasy. We bought into the idea of true love always and the fact was we were never stronger than when we were just friends. When we were together we morphed into different people. She lost that spark, that fearless me against the world attitude that I did adore about her. And I'm sure you'll agree I was just an ass when we were together. Our whole ethos basically included it's okay to screw everyone else over so long as we're happy made us horrible people. No one can build a life of happiness on everyone else's misery." He'd said much more to her on the subject than he planned to and felt instant regret. This he imagined was not a subject that mattered to her given recent months. But instead she smiled.

"Yes you were an ass. But then again I guess I could be classed as one of those guilty of telling you who to love. Is Peyton happy now?"

"I think she is, Mark isn't the man anyone would have put with Peyton Sawyer but I think it's a good thing. He loves her more than I did and he loves her for every part of her. Which I didn't. I don't think we were ever really ourselves with one another though everyone assumed we must be because in some ways we were so similar. But what I liked about me and you Brooke was our differences. We made each other step out our comfort zones and it was exhilarating and I guess what I'm saying is it's made me a believer in the idea that opposites attract. Peyton and I were very similar and it turns out not meant to be, whereas Peyton and Mark are quite different and seem very happy."

"Julian and I were of the other school of thought. We were alike in a lot of ways. We both used our careers to try and earn the love of parents that had been unconcerned with us in our youth. Their disinterest in us also had the other side effect of making us both very family orientated. We both hid our true selves away from the world and painted on a tough, brash, I don't care exterior."

"You were the exception to the rule. Besides Peyton and I were similar in nature. You two were similar because of nurture – or lack thereof. Maybe that's the key. Or maybe there is no magic formula for happiness. People fall in and out of love all the time and some loves last a lifetime and some are meant to be fleeting. Peyton always used to tell me how Ellie had once told her that every song ends but that's no reason not to enjoy the music. I think the same theory can be applied to relationships. They all end eventually, whether long or short. But it's wrong to wait for it to happen and not enjoy the good moments while you can. My time with Peyton was full of great moments, as well as drama and love. I don't regret being with her because it taught me a lot about myself and the type of relationship I do want for life."

"And yet 9 years on you're still single." Brooke grinned at him and Lucas shrugged.

"Just because I know what I want doesn't mean it's out there." Brooke laughed.

"I know that feeling all too well. How ironic is it that the dark, depressed loner is the only one of the core group that is in a happy relationship."

"It's a little different for us than for you though."

"Not really, I'll be growing old alone just like the rest of you. I don't think it matters how I got there."

"You really think Hales and Nate will grow old alone?" Of all the people in the world Brooke had always been the biggest supporter of his brother and his best friend.

"Nathan's hurt and I don't know. Haley will give birth to a child she loves, and no matter how much they love one another Nathan can't be there for a child he resents and Haley won't put a child she loves through that situation. I guess I don't see a way forward this time."

"But you're the one who said people who are meant to be together always find their way in the end."

"I did, but I was young. Truth is look at the couples we all rooted for back then. Your mom and Keith, Nate and Hales, you and Peyton. None of you made it."

"My mom ended up back with Andy if that helps any." Brooke grinned.

"But she wouldn't have were Keith alive. That last time was for keeps." Lucas decided to let that comment wash over him not having the stomach to contemplate the truth of her words.

"So where does that leave us all?"

"We make the best of the hand we've got and if we can find love then we do. Like you said sometimes it's only fleeting but it doesn't diminish what was there. I'll see you next week Luke." She slipped out the booth and left him looking at her leaving. Did that count as two friends making plans or was she just assuming they'd both be there?

* * *

**Haley**

"Josh is refusing to go on tour." Haley looked up from where she was sat writing the music for her latest song to see the blonde record label owner.

"Isn't this the tour that will launch his career?" Peyton nodded at her. "Why doesn't he want to do it?"

"I'll give you one guess." Haley felt weary deep in her bones, returning to work had been an exercise in frustration. The small studio that Peyton owned was not big enough to house the sly glances thrown her way now her sixth month of pregnancy was nearing its end.

"I can't."

"Don't you think it's your responsibility? If he blows this shot there's no certainty he'll get another." What Haley wanted to say was that she didn't care. The fact was that their one mistake together had ruined her marriage – while she may come out the other side in the end right now it felt like with her marriage over her life was ruined while he was able to carry on regardless. She was paying the price for their night together and he wasn't. But the fact was she was the married one and he was barely an adult.

"He still here?" Peyton nodded and gestured toward the recording booth. Haley pushed herself up and went inside. She'd rather successfully managed to avoid talking to him before now. She still didn't really have any clue about how life would be after she had the baby and where Josh's place in that would be. Besides which things had been more than awkward since his proposal the previous week. She stood watching from outside the booth for a while and felt a swell of something akin to love as she watched him. The sad truth was that the emotion she felt was more of a motherly nature than that of a lover. With a deep breath she went inside. She'd not said anything to him about what she knew had gone down with Nathan. Peyton had outlined the basics but not gone into any detail. Haley didn't particularly want any. She was mildly surprised by the return to Nathan's temper as he had kept it well in control over the past years. Though she wouldn't admit it to anyone the fact her actions had done it to him gave her a glow, for if nothing else it did mean he still cared about her.

"How long were you thinking of standing there watching me strum a guitar?" She blinked in shock at the sound of Josh's voice. For a minute she'd gotten so lost within her thoughts she'd forgotten where she was.

"Peyton tells me you're refusing to go on tour. So many musicians only ever get the chance to dream of such an opportunity."

"Haley stop. You think that you know so much more than me because you're older and therefore must be wiser. But the fact is you can't be that smart if you were able to screw up your marriage to someone it appears you still love – who I now realise does actually love you. What I truly don't understand is why you did it. A drunken mistake is how you view us, which hurts but it is what it is. Nathan needed to know, it could have been taken care of and you could have saved your marriage."

"I didn't know it could be saved until I'd already committed to having this baby. I didn't choose to have this child, the fact is I cannot face the alternative. Not even for Nathan. And while cheating on him makes me not the person he fell in love with, aborting a child would make me so much worse. But that's not the issue. We're not talking about me we're talking about you."

"You might wish with all your heart that the baby was Nathan's – but it isn't. Haley you're having my baby and I'm not going off on tour knowing that you'll be giving birth within weeks of me leaving. That I'd be spending the first couple of months of my child's life away from him or her. You think I'm a child – maybe I am. But one thing I'm not is a coward. The child is as much my responsibility as yours and while I love nothing more than raising the baby with you I realise you don't want that. But you can't just write me off because it makes things easier for you."

"Will anything I say change your mind?" Haley purposely ignored the anger in his tone simply unable to contend with anymore fighting.

"Will anything I say make you agree to me being at the birth rather than in the waiting room?"

"It's your decision Josh. I understand it, I truly do. But for what it's worth I do think it's a mistake. The baby won't remember if were there for the first couple of months or not – but choosing to walk away from something that may well make your career you'll always know. My father-in-law became an evil man because he gave up on his dream. I would hate to see that happen to you."

"It's a chance I'm willing to take. If I was meant to make it then I'll find a way to make it work." Haley couldn't help the pride like feeling she felt at his words. He was more mature than she gave him credit for – though she still thought he was naive.

* * *

"It won't be long before you're here on a regular basis tutor-mom." Haley tried to muster a smile for the brunette. The two friends were currently in the sand box at the park with Tyler. As Haley rested back she felt a twinge of happiness at the glow on her friend's face as she played with her son. It did warm Haley's heart to see Brooke regaining her sense of self and rebuilding the fragile relationship with the energetic toddler.

"Thanks for pointing that out Brooke, truthfully it's something I'm trying to forget." With each passing day Haley was finding herself feeling more pressure to form some sort of plan for her life post-birth. She knew when the time came to return to the studio she'd have help from a willing Lucas, and she could always compose while her baby slept. She also knew Lucas would always offer her a roof over her head – but it wasn't a permanent solution and she knew she should begin to form one. She however found herself stagnating with the hope that Nathan would come round, which was the awful thing about hope. It only needed a spark to set hope aflame again and that Nathan had admitted during his fight with Josh that he still loved her was enough to do that. Deep in her heart though, in a place she refused to access she knew it would take a miracle for Nathan to forgive her and accept her and her baby into his life. And in Tree Hill miracles were in short supply.

"Nathan dropped by the house to speak to Luke the other day, Luke then spoke to me." Haley caught the deer in headlights look in her friend's eyes.

"Julian." Haley nodded and waited for Brooke to elaborate. "It didn't start straight away, to be honest it's only since I've been getting into a routine with the children that I've been able to see him and speak to him. In a lot of ways it feels like he's there. The only part that really scares me is how well I knew him to know exactly how he'll respond to what I tell him – even when I don't like his response."

"Since the fog lifted a little you'd say then?" Brooke nodded and then focussed her attention back onto helping Tyler fill his bucket to make a sandcastle. "Do you think maybe you started doing it because it felt a little like he was slipping away?" Sad hazel eyes stared into Haley and she hated herself for doing this to Brooke.

"He's dead – he can't go any further away." The dead words came from Brooke's mouth and it made Haley want to reach across and squeeze the brunette.

"I know, but Brooke I just need to know something." Brooke's gaze was hard and flinty but she nodded her ascent to Haley's question. "Is he a ghost?" Brooke's face was a picture of disbelief, followed by a short burst of laughter.

"Despite what Nathan and Lucas obviously think perhaps it's you that needs your head testing Haley James-Scott." Haley was unsure whether she was more hurt by the words themselves of the use of the James-Scott – it wouldn't be all too long before she was plain old Haley James again.

"Thanks a lot Brooke."

"Well what do you expect, you're basically saying you all think I'm crazy. I don't think he's a ghost I know he's in my head. But like I said to Nathan, who is it hurting? I spent the last eleven years confiding ever thought, ever feeling, hope and dream to Julian. You think it's easy to switch that off? He was my whole world except for kids. I still want to tell him about my day, is that so terrible? He's been dead barely five months Haley. He used to go off on movies longer than that. Logically I know he's gone, for good. But I still need to talk to him, for one thing no one gets how excited or worried I get about the kids like he gets it because he shares it all with me they are OUR children. Answer me this Haley, despite your pending divorce if Jamie did something great or got hurt who would you talk to about it? Who would you WANT to talk to?" Haley knew Brooke had a point. Despite the separation there were still times Haley picked up her phone to call Nathan to share a detail of her day. But she had to clarify that there was a difference in their situations. Nathan was here and she could speak to him – technically. Julian was dead and Brooke was holding on to something, someone that no longer existed.

"I understand what you're saying Brooke, five months isn't that long to accept the man you were spending your life with is dead. But I'm just worried about you, I think keeping him alive the way you are is only going to make it harder when you realise you need to stop talking to him."

"Whitey used to go to his wife's grave and talk to her all the time. Its okay for him to do that but not for me to do this? I'm hundreds of miles away from where Julian is buried, so what if I improvise a little the meaning behind it is still the same. Lucas talks to Keith's grave sometimes – I'll bet Peyton still goes to talk to Anna. The fact it's not a grave makes very little difference in the scheme of things Haley." Haley knew when she was beat. She'd let Karen try and talk to Brooke when she came, after that they could all just hope that Brooke would stop talking to a figment of her imagination in her own time – when she was ready.

**I know I used the word 'Leyton' when many of you – myself included – think 'Pucas' is much more apt. However given the person who was speaking and the context I had to use the former term.**

**Another apology one again not much with Brooke and her kids – but there will be in the next chapter.**

**Also please note this is absolutely Brucas and despite what some may read into their night together it is merely Brathan friendship. Both are very lonely right now and just need comfort of a friend there is nothing more to their relationship than friendship.  
**


	14. Kidding Around

**Thanks for the reviews everyone. It's official this is the longest chapter I've ever written! Hope you all enjoy. Next time Karen, Andy and Lily will be in Tree Hill.**

**Peyton**

She'd not stepped foot in this place in years, when Sawyer was younger they'd occasionally used it as a place to conduct the change over in parents. But the cafe was resolutely Lucas' place and she'd stayed away. But he'd called and requested a meet and given that it was about Sawyer she'd agreed. She saw him in a booth before he saw her and her heart began to beat a little faster. She could still read him like a book and she knew deep in her stomach that the look on his face said that what he was going to say to her he expected she wouldn't like. She was able to actually consider him then for a minute though. Despite him nearing 36 years of age he still had a very boyish quality to his features. If she focused her mind enough then it was like being sixteen all over again, walking into Karen's Cafe to meet Lucas. Only...Lucas Scott hadn't actually been the boy she'd loved in high school. Not until the very end anyway.

Peyton rarely allowed herself to remember her past, she preferred to focus on the present and the future, the past was full of pain, both her own and that of other's – some of which she had inflicted. When her divorce had been in process she'd often found herself daydreaming about Jake Jagelski. She'd pictured in her head what her life would have become had she stayed with him and Jenny in Savannah. So when Lucas had Sawyer for a couple of days when Karen was visiting she'd gotten into her car and driven the near 7 hour trip to Savannah to see him.

_The door swung open and Peyton's heart leapt into her throat. The most adorable nine year old had flung the door open._

"_Jenny you better not have opened that door – how many times have I told you not..." The masculine voice trailed off as it's owner came into view, or rather Peyton came into his view._

"_Hi Jake." Silence stretched between them as he stood gobsmacked and she waiting for him to speak._

"_Daddy how does the lady know your name?" The girl's voice was the thing to bring the man back to reality._

"_We went to school together. Jenny why don't you go back inside and let me just talk to Peyton here." Though it should hardly be a surprise that Jenny had no clue who she was it did hurt Peyton a little. Jenny gave the pair a curious look and then bounced back into the house. Jake stepped onto the porch beside Peyton and shut the door. Wordlessly they both migrated to sit beside one another on the porch swing._

"_How are you Jake?" Jake looked over every inch of her before he finally spoke._

"_I don't think you came here for small talk."_

"_No, it's a long drive for just small talk. But it seemed like a good place to start."_

"_So what are you doing here?" Peyton shrugged, she was taken aback by the cool reception she was receiving having convinced herself that Jake was where she needed to be._

"_I just wanted to see you, talk to you. I just wondered how your life turned out." Jake frowned at her._

"_That's a pretty strange thing to wonder, after all this time without speaking."_

"_I wasn't sure you'd want to hear from me after I left the last time."_

"_You mean when you came here offered me everything and then broke my heart? Why wouldn't I still want to chat?" The neutral tone of his voice bellied any insult that his words might have contained._

"_You told me to go." He shook his head with a wry grin on his face._

"_Not that it much matters anymore but I didn't actually think you would, nor did I want you to."_

"_Maybe it can still matter."_

"_Peyton what's going on?"_

"_We said someday – right?" Jake stood and turned aghast at her._

"_You can't be saying what I think you're saying. Peyton it's been almost seven years since we last spoke to one another."_

"_I know but I..."_

"_You what Peyton? You honestly think I waited for seven years for you? I didn't. Peyton I didn't even wait at all. I knew you weren't coming back. If I'd meant as much as you did to me then you wouldn't have gone at all. Besides if I ever had any doubt it would have evaporated after I read Lucas' novel. The world's most public love letter." As suddenly as his unexpected anger had arrived though he sat beside her and took her hand. "Tell me what's really going on."_

"_We're getting divorced." She didn't want to talk to Jake about Lucas though. She'd convinced herself that coming here was what would heal her._

"_I'm sorry Peyton. I honestly didn't see that coming."_

"_The book – wasn't very accurate. Maybe it was, but it sets up something that never happened. We broke up just before it was published. Almost five years later he was engaged to marry someone else and I showed up back in town. Brooke came home with me, she said I had my 'Lucas stealing face' on. Anyway, six months later Luke and I were engaged, shortly after which we discover I'm pregnant and then we get married. Barely more than a year later I'm divorcing him."_

"_That doesn't really sound like you Peyton."_

"_He said he's in love with Brooke. Or us both. It doesn't really matter."_

"_And that's why you're here. Some kind of revenge." Her pained green eyes met his._

"_No Jake it's not revenge. I just looked at my life and thought I made a mistake, married the wrong man."_

"_Peyton I really loved you. I know you loved me too. But that doesn't make me the answer. Besides you have a child now, nothing that led to that can be a mistake. Coming here was a mistake Peyton."_

"_How do you know?"_

"_Because I'm getting married tomorrow." Peyton felt the ground move beneath her despite being sat. "You can't change the past Peyton. Lucas has hurt you by confessing what he did. But that doesn't mean the way to fix your life is to convince yourself that you love me still and I should always have been the one."_

"_I thought I was listening to my heart."_

"_Your heart belongs to Lucas. If he truly does love you both can you not move away from the past and start over somewhere new with your child?"_

"_Why does everyone always seem so convinced that Lucas and I belong together? Sometimes I think that we'd never have even happened were it not for everyone else telling us we loved each other."_

"_Peyton you do love him, and he loves you. Lucas has always been your hero Peyton. He's the one that saves you."_

"_You were the first one to save me." Jake smiled at her softly._

"_Only because he told me to. Lucas called me. I didn't just decide to come. You know that. Maybe people and circumstance did force you together to start with – but that's not say love didn't grow. Peyton what we had was special but it was over a long, long time ago and you can't just decide to come running here and have me fix your life for you. The problem you've always had is that you pin all your hopes on someone fixing things. It's what the basis for your life with Lucas was in the first place. I mean what sent you back to Tree Hill?"_

"_My boyfriend broke up with me because he didn't understand why I was always reading Lucas' novel. He said I still loved him and he couldn't do our relationship anymore. My job was awful too. So I went home to get Lucas back."_

"_Did you have an obsession with his novel?"_

"_I loved the man I was living with very much. I was obsessed with Lucas' novel."_

"_Why the obsession if you loved the man you were with?"_

"_Me. I loved reading about the person I was, the way he saw me."_

"_Peyton, once again you painted Lucas as your saviour. And now he's failed you, you're painting someone else as your saviour. But not only am I not that man, the only one who can fix your life is you. If you like the person you were, if you like the way he saw you then you need to work hard and be that person. No one is going to do it for you."_

Jake had been gracious enough to allow her to stay the night in his spare room. She'd even met the woman who he married. Obviously certain details of her appearance were neglected. Jake had explained her presence away as an old friend who was just passing through. Katie had been delighted to meet someone who'd known Jake in high school. She'd even offered Peyton an invite to their wedding the following day. Peyton had politely declined. The last thing she'd needed was to watch someone get married. So the following morning just before he left for the church she and Jake had bid one another farewell and promised that this time they'd try to keep in touch. They exchanged sporadic e-mails. Peyton knew that now, several years later Jenny was at college in New York. Jake had even confided that they suspected it was where Nikki was living which was what prompted Jenny to decide that's where she wanted to be. Apparently Nikki had gotten bored of parenthood again a few years after Peyton had first been to Savannah. Before Jake met Katie. As far as Peyton was aware the pair was still very happy together. They'd subsequently had two boys of their own. Peyton had to laugh at the fact that they were the first boys of anyone she knew that did not express an interest in basketball. Jake had informed her that one of them loved football – the other soccer. While her trip to Savannah hadn't been all she'd intended it to be it did give her a great deal of perspective on her life. She come back to Tree Hill and spent weeks analysing what Jake had said. She'd arrived at the conclusion that he was right. When things went wrong in her life she'd always turned to Lucas expecting he'd fix them, and usually he did. Obviously this latest nightmare was one thing he could not fix. But the fact was that Peyton needed to stop relying on other people to build her life for her. She'd resolved to stay away from men until she was in a place in her life where she was happy. Which is exactly what she had done, and while she knew Mark would always do his utmost to fix the problems in her life she also knew she would do the same for him. They were an equal team – which was the kind of relationship she'd never experienced before. It made her happy and it suited her. It was what she suspected would allow them to grow old together.

"Peyton." Lucas noticing her arrival and calling her name snapped her from her reverie. She walked confidently over to him and slid into the booth opposite him. "You want a coffee?"

"One look at your face and I think I may need something stronger. Or maybe I should just have a camomile tea." He nodded at her without responding and disappeared off to get her the requested drink. The perks of being the owner meant instead of waiting in the queue she watched as he slipped behind the counter and made the drink himself, meaning he returned within minutes.

"Sawyer has got it into her head that she wants to live with me when you and Mark leave Tree Hill." Peyton had her mouth open ready to object to whatever it was he was about to say when he rushed on. "She probably thinks this because I'm the 'easy' parent or something. Which you continually say I am. I think that's unfair mainly because I discipline her when I get the chance but the fact is that since her home is with you sadly that role does fall to you mostly. So someone I spoke to suggested that to make life a little easier for all of us and to make it easier when you do all leave perhaps Sawyer should maybe live with me for a while before you go. She'll then realise life isn't so easy with me or that different from with you. Without the day to day drama you and she may build a better relationship and it allows us some time together before she goes with you." Peyton was thoroughly stunned, not merely by the speed in which he garbled his speech out but the very content of it.

"Haley never mentioned she'd spoke to you about Sawyer." It seemed an almost ridiculous thing to say in response to Lucas but it was the first thing that came to mind. She would scold Haley for not giving a warning when she saw her next.

"Haley never suggested it. It was someone else." Peyton knew her face darkened as she thought about who exactly Luke would have spoken to. "It was someone in New York, I forget who exactly. Someone at the publishing house."

"Her? You're getting advice from her?" Peyton's blood boiled at the thought.

"No, definitely not. Anyway Peyton it's not the point."

"I don't know Lucas. If we do this and she still wants to stay with you it will be so much harder getting her to leave when the time comes."

"Peyton if you're dragging her hundreds of miles away from me this is surely the least you can do." Peyton hesitated. Though she'd resolved to be fairer to Lucas she had a sinking feeling that she may never get her daughter back if she agreed to this.

"I'll talk to Mark and see what he thinks." She saw Lucas bristle before her very eyes.

"I didn't realise Sawyer had three parents."

"How is me talking to Mark any different from you discussing things with half the publishing house? I just need a sounding board and Mark is going to be Sawyer's step-father soon so he's as good a voice of reason as any." Peyton almost growled at him and she cursed Lucas Scott for being such a pain in the ass.

"Yeah he is – but that doesn't mean he gets a say in what happens to her."

"Be careful Lucas – this is the man who has managed to keep her record clean despite the crap she's pulled. Have you ever considered you should be grateful to him?"

"Just don't take too long Peyton."

* * *

"What are you doing here?" Peyton rolled her eyes.

"Nice to see you too daughter of mine." Sawyer bristled away from her mother.

"I don't need my mother to walk me home from school." Peyton kept her emotions in check as she continued to walk one step behind her daughter.

"I never said you did, but I was around her and figured we could walk home together."

"Why? So all my friends think I'm some big loser." Peyton shook her head at her daughter despite the fact Sawyer couldn't see her. The shot to her heart however was the scene that caught her eye. A healthier looking Brooke Davis than the last time the pair had crossed paths. She had her arms open wide to the younger of her girls who ran into them. Peyton watched as Brooke hugged her daughter and released her just in time to be bowled over by the eldest child. Peyton felt almost sick with jealousy. She tried to tell herself that if Sawyer had been through a traumatic few months like Brooke's children had done then Sawyer would be happy to be around her. But the truth was Peyton had never really had a good relationship with Sawyer.

"Aren't you going to ask why I was around here in the middle of the day?" Peyton managed to tear her gaze away from her former best friend and refocus it on her daughter.

"Like I care."

"Well it was about you so I thought maybe you would." The only response Peyton got was a shoulder shrug. "I met your dad." That however was enough to make Sawyer halt in her tracks and turn round.

"What did you see dad about?"

"He wants you to live with him." The grin that crossed Sawyer's features was a greater knife to Peyton's heart than watching Brooke had been. "Only until we ALL leave Tree Hill." Sawyer's face once again descended into a frown.

"Let me guess you shot him down."

"I said I'd think about it."

"Which always means no anyway." Peyton sighed at her surly daughter and despite having been set on discussing things with Mark first she finally broke.

"Actually Sawyer – if you want to go then you can." The look of disbelief on Sawyer's face almost made Peyton laugh, she may well have done if it weren't for the pain in her heart at the thought she was losing her child.

"Thanks mom." For the first time in more years than she could remember Sawyer hugged her. It was only a brief hug before Sawyer began to once again trundle home – with a decidedly lighter step. But it left Peyton with a warm glow about her, easier her misgivings about allowing Sawyer to live with her father for a few months. She did briefly consider that perhaps Lucas was right, perhaps if Sawyer lived with him Peyton would become the fun parent allowing the mother/daughter relationship she'd always hope for to become established.

* * *

**Haley**

"It's nice – don't you think?" Haley turned her attention from the realtor to her son. Jamie shrugged.

"Be nicer if you were at home mom." Haley sighed, truth was she felt the same way. But it would be Thanksgiving in just over a week – which meant that she'd be almost 7 months pregnant. Subsequently she knew that it was time to begin to rebuild her life – without Nathan. The first step being to find herself and her new baby a home to live in.

"Jamie that just isn't going to happen." The house they were currently viewing was a huge downsize from her home with Nathan. But the fact was Jamie would still be staying at his father's a lot of the time, and it would be just less than a year until he went off to college. Thinking practically meant that it would be mainly her and the baby. So the cosy three bed house just four blocks from Lucas felt right for them. As opposed to the other homes in this part of town near her best friend this one had a good sized kitchen, a place she always valued within a home. It also came with a cute garden in which Haley could see herself and Lucas teaching her baby to walk. The small child taking tottering footsteps between mother and uncle, before stumbling to the big brother who would arrive home from college. She tried to block out the pain in her heart at Nathan not being in that picture of her future. Instead she focused on what had to happen now.

"I still don't get why you're moving someone so much smaller than home when you'll be getting half of everything anyway."

"I don't want half Jamie, your dad earnt a lot more than I did mainly through all his endorsement deals. It wouldn't be right for me to take what he's earned. It's not like I'll walk away without a penny – being a recording artist does pay pretty good too."

"Exactly so why live so far away from your home."

"It's not home anymore, it's still your home. You just have two now. Jamie the fact is that when you've gone to college the person I'll see most in this town is your uncle Lucas, so it makes much more sense for me to be here."

"It looks like hiding to me. But what do I know?" Haley sighed and held her arms wide for her boy. Jamie stepped into them and lay his head on her shoulder, which involved crouching for him now he was reaching the full height of impending manhood.

"Jamie I know this is hard for you, and god I'm grateful that you're even still talking to me. But this is just the way things are now. I wish they weren't but..." She trailed off not knowing where to go. But she'd screwed it up for a baby she had so desperately wanted and was now unsure whether it was worth the sacrifice of her husband. Sadly the truth was that becoming pregnant had forced this life on her – no matter what she'd never have been able to go through with an abortion. Jamie broke away from his mother and threw another glance around the house.

"Go for it mom." Haley smiled at her boy and watched as he sauntered out into the back yard. She'd spotted the basketball hoop against the side wall when she'd first arrived and by the sounds of it Jamie was making use of it while she signed papers with the realtor. It was hers. It was just a shame she didn't feel more excited. Finished with the house she checked her watch before going to find Jamie. As she had thought he was shooting hoops at the side of her new home.

"Hey superstar – we need to get going if we're going to make it to your game on time." Like his father before him Jamie Scott loved basketball, and now he was a senior he'd achieved the status of captain of the Tree Hill Ravens. Jamie's goal was to win the championship – it would be the first time the Ravens had done so since his father and uncle had achieved the accolade eighteen years ago. They'd played just one game so far this season – tonight's being the second and Haley had avoided the first game. She had wanted to be there but hadn't felt entirely ready to see her soon to be ex-husband. But this was her son's dream and she would support it. That had been the first time she'd ever missed one of his games. If Karen had been able to put aside her misgivings of attending Ravens games with the odious Dan Scott about for her son then Haley James would do the same. After all she only had herself to blame. One last basket and Jamie hustled over to her and they both disappeared. Jamie was silent on the ride to Tree Hill High, Haley wondered whether it was pre-game nerves or just the worry of knowing both his parents would come face to face soon.

"I'm glad you're here mom." With his final words he opened the door, grabbed his gym bag and ran off to get ready for the game. Haley propelled herself out the car and called after him, unsure whether he would hear her or not.

"Good luck!" She shook her head in amusement at her boy and summoned her courage to walk inside the gym. So much had changed since the previous season when she'd been here. Tree Hill was a small town and it would most certainly be common knowledge that her marriage was over because she was pregnant – most people would probably know the baby was not her husband's. But regardless of gossip she had to do this for Jamie. So she pushed the door open and stepped inside. Instantly her eyes found Lucas and she began to make her way over to him.

"Take that back little brother – you didn't make the Ravens champions – we did!" Haley was almost beside Lucas before she saw who he was talking to. She froze in her tracks – but it was too late. Brooke, standing beside Nathan had spotted her.

"Hey Haley." Haley slowly crossed the small distance between them and smiled in response to Brooke's greeting – not allowing herself to look at Nathan.

"Seeing the three of you stood there it felt almost like high school again."

"Maybe you girls should break out the cheerleading uniforms." Lucas joked. It earned him a backhanded slap from Brooke but it was enough of a distraction from the awkwardness of Haley's arrival.

"Hi Auntie Haley." Sawyer came bounding over to the group, followed by Brooke's girls. Haley found it mildly ironic that it was Brooke's children following another girl in wide eyed awe.

"Hi honey, how are you?" Haley was rewarded with a face splitting grin.

"Mom said I can go live with dad until we leave town." Haley raised her eyebrows in surprise at Lucas.

"Has your mother been drinking?" Lucas laughed while Sawyer continued on regardless.

"So we'll be sharing my room every night now."

"Actually sweetie, I went to look at a house today and well – I bought it. So I'll be moving out of your room pretty soon." Haley felt goose pimples erupt on her arms as Nathan's gaze rested on her.

"I didn't think you buying somewhere until after the divorce." She finally pulled her gaze to his.

"I was going to, but divorce or no – there's no going back is there?" Haley hated how hopeful her voice sounded then. It had been meant as a statement but instead came out as a question. Nathan was saved from having to reply when it became clear the game was just about to start and so the group would have to sit. Nathan headed them and Brooke followed, the girls in between she and Lucas, with Haley herself bringing up the rear. Lucas turned back to help her into the stands and gave her a reassuring smile.

* * *

If someone had told Haley she'd be stood about to knock on the door to an apartment shared by three men barely old enough to drink, to discuss with one of them their impending joint parenthood she'd have laughed hysterically at them. It was funny how life turned out. But it was indeed where she was. Apart from the conversation regarding his refusal to go on tour because of the baby she'd not actually spoken to Josh since the proposal debacle. Nor had she actually discussed with him the nightmare that was the argument between he and Nathan. But that was a topic she had no intention of broaching. Rapping on the door she waited for an answer.

"Hey Haley James." Though it had been instinct for many years to correct those who called her Haley James it was an instinct that must now be curbed. In the music world many people still referred to her simply as Haley James and the fact was it may be a name that would stick with her in all aspects of her life soon. While she was under no actual obligation to go back to just James she didn't feel she deserved to have the name James-Scott any longer.

"Hi Mitch." Mitch, along with Tyson the other boy who Josh lived with formed part of a band on Peyton's label.

"You want to come in?" While the honest answer was no Haley nodded her head anyway. Mitch stepped back to allow Haley into the apartment. The smell of sweaty socks, stale pizza and beer nearly had her vomiting. This was where the father of her child lived – what on earth had she been thinking! "Dude Haley's here!" Haley felt many years older than her thirty five, it seemed like a millennia ago that she and Nathan had lived in a place not dissimilar to this, one that Nathan would have allowed to look and smell like this place were it not for her. Josh appeared seconds later. He seemed surprised to see her and she couldn't really blame him for that.

"What are you doing here?"

"I figure we probably need to talk."

"I'll get my coat we can go for a walk." Haley nodded and waited for Josh to reappear with his jacket. He held the door open for her and she went out. They'd barely made it ten steps from the apartment block before he stopped and she turned to look back at him. "Is this okay? For the baby I mean." Haley laughed.

"I'm pregnant not an invalid. Walking is fine." He grinned a boyish grin at her and then continued to walk beside her.

"So, what did you want to talk about?"

"The state of the economy." Haley almost snorted with laughter at the look on his face at her words. "The baby you goon." Josh recovered quickly and grinned once more. In different circumstances, had she been more than a few years younger she may well have found him attractive. As it were she felt like his mother. Though it was best not to dwell on that.

"So, anything in particular about the baby?"

"I've bought a house, it's near to where I've been staying with Lucas. It's not huge or anything but big enough for the three of us." Realising the implications she hurried on. "I mean not that Jamie will be there all the time but still I want it to feel like home for him too. I did offer the larger room given that he's oldest but he said the baby should have the bigger room as he'll be off to college next year."

"That's cool of him. Sounds like he's taking this whole thing pretty well."

"He – struggles sometimes with it. He's had a few fights at school with kids who thought they'd rub his face in it. But overall I think he's handling it the best we can expect. Judging by last night he certainly hasn't let it affect his game."

"That's good Haley. Look where do I fit in?" Truthfully even now Haley still didn't have an answer to that. She wanted Nathan to be her child's father and just seemed absolutely unable to get her head round the fact he wasn't.

"Well since you made it clear you're not planning on going on tour I guess we'll have to make some kind of arrangement for access. I mean at first it's probably wise to have you come over to mine being as I've done this all before. I can give you pointers and stuff."

"What about the birth?"

"I haven't really thought about it, I guess it depends."

"On what?"

"My friend. I can't really think of who else I'd want there. Peyton obviously, but maybe Brooke too – depending on she's feeling nearer the time."

"I'd like to be there." Haley looked up wide eyed.

"Josh I...I will call you and you can wait outside but – not in the room with me." He nodded, a slight hint of kicked puppy look in his eyes.

"I understand."

"I'm sorry, this is hard for me. It isn't how I saw my life going."

"Me either you know. I know that I pretty much ruined your life, but I never meant to. I really liked you and I don't know. I'm sorry I guess."

"It's not your fault. A combination of too much to drink and not enough affection in my marriage." Haley looked up and saw the worst possible person. Her husband and her son. There was no possible way to avoid the meeting of the two pairs.

"Hi mom."

"Hi sweetheart. Nathan." Nathan glared daggers at her but didn't say a word.

"Hi Nathan, Jamie we met before once at the studio. I'm Josh." Jamie scoffed and then smirked – an exact replica of his father's expression.

"I know exactly who you are." The twist of Jamie's features made him look like someone entirely different than Haley's son.

"Look I should go Haley. When you figure out what you're doing let me know." Despite Josh hurrying away the awkwardness did not dissipate.

"This wasn't what it looks like – there's nothing going on." It was Nathan's turn to smirk.

"Nothing except that in a couple of months time you'll be giving birth to his child." Haley reached out a hand to touch Nathan's arm but stopped as he flinched.

"Nathan I..."

"Stop Haley, I can't listen to another apology. You're sorry, it doesn't matter. How many times over the years did I have accusations of infidelity thrown my way, not once was there a single speck of truth in any of them. I loved you above everything."

"Our marriage was always strong, it was different for me. We were struggling and it just happened."

"It just didn't just happen, you don't just sleep with someone Haley. I don't want to talk about this, especially with Jamie here. So we'll just continue heading where we were going and let you do the same." Nathan brushed past her then, pausing half a metre away waiting for Jamie to bid his mother farewell. Haley tried to suppress her tears until her son was gone.

"Give him a little more time – it will get easier."

"I know, I'm sorry Jamie." Jamie shrugged and kissed her cheek before jogging on to join Nathan. Haley turned and watched her family walk away from her.

* * *

**Brooke**

Brooke was busy folding laundry, taking the opportunity to get some work done in the house while the girls were still at school.

"Have you spoken to your mother lately?" Brooke turned round at the sound of a voice and regarded the brunette man for a second.

"The girls speak to her everyday – I think she actually misses them."

"And you?" She shrugged.

"She's busy and the girls like to go on."

"I'm surprised she hasn't visited. I know Tree Hill was never her favourite place but given everything I'd have thought she'd want to see you, and the girls I mean she seems fairly attached to them."

"I suppose she is. Much more attached to them than she was to me when I was their ages."

"She improves with age Brooke, give Tyler a year or so and he'll be old enough to be adored by her as well. But that wasn't really my point."

"I know, but in answer to the question since I know you won't let it lie without one, she has mentioned visiting but I've always put her off."

"Why is that?" Brooke continued folding and sorting the laundry with a fervour few would achieve for housework. She was a master at suppressing her emotions. He was a master at unleashing them.

"I'm not ready I guess." The silence was deafening and she knew him well enough to know he was doing it deliberately. He was waiting her out, leaving the silence he knew she hated to stretch until she caved and offered him the answers he was searching for. She knew when she spoke again he would develop an arrogant smirk. "The truth is reconnecting with my life here has made things easier in a lot of ways. There's no daily torture of what was. My mother has something that no one in Tree Hill does – firsthand experience of how happy we were. Haley doesn't even really know what we were like and she's the one who saw us most often. Whereas I think Victoria adored you about as much as me. She loved us together."

"I know Brooke, she really grew into a mother to you over the years. That's why you should let her come."

"She'll be sad."

"So are you. But you can't carry on pretending I'm on location with a film. At least by seeing her it's starting to let reality in." She stopped her work and turned to stare at him then.

"It's so easy to convince myself you'll be home soon." The brunette stepped forward and took her hands in his. She closed her eyes to allow the sensation of her hands being held to become real to her.

"But I won't be. I'll always be here Brooke but I'll never come home. That part of our life is gone. Stop living in this world Brooke, the construct where you're able to fake normality for the children, go to basketball games with your friends. The extreme grief wasn't healthy but it was real. This just isn't. I want you to remember that I'm gone now, but that I'll always love you. I know it hurts to remember that I'm gone, but just remember the good times too. Remember when we went on vacation for a week, to Hawaii. It was the first time we'd gone on holiday without the girls and you were terrified about leaving them with Victoria."

"_I'm not sure I should leave them." The brunette woman watched her children through the window anxiously. She'd already bid them farewell for the week and yet couldn't force herself from the exterior of her home into the waiting cab. Her husband laughed at her nerves and her mother tutted irritated by her anxiety._

"_I have had a child of my own I know what I'm doing Brooke." Sparky hazel eyes fired at the older woman._

"_You may have given birth to me but you were the one who was always on a vacation – the nanny watched me." Victoria rolled her eyes at Brooke._

"_Just because I vacationed regularly and you have blocked out the times I was at home doesn't mean it didn't happen. Anyway Brooke everything is paid for and your husband seems to be desperate to get you on your own so I suggest making the most of it. I've managed caring for the girls when you've been out for an evening a week won't be much more difficult." It looked distinctly like the vein in Brooke's temple would explode at that point. Julian bundled his wife into the cab, turning back to graciously thank his mother-in-law before going in after Brooke. The entire cab ride, the wait in departures, the flight Brooke did nothing but lament leaving her children. Julian put ear plugs in after an hour and went to sleep. She was happy to curse her husband while he slept and called him insensitive. She had no how he could be so blasé about leaving their children. With Victoria! Quite literally the first thing she did when they arrived at Lanai airport was call to speak to her children. Apparently Victoria had baked chocolate brownies with them and was renting a selection of Disney Princess movies to watch each evening._

"_She never baked brownies or watched movies with me." Brooke pouted as she sat Indian style on the king-size bed in their deluxe suite. Julian laughed and flopped down beside her. He pushed his torso up off the bed with his elbows as support in order to look at her._

"_Are you seriously jealous of your three year old and six year old?" He smirked at her. She scowled at him in response._

"_Nooo. I just, she's not the person I remember. It's good that she's different and it's putting my mind at ease about leaving them with her. I suppose I just find it hard to believe someone can change so much."_

"_Well Brooke Davis sometimes people can hide their true selves from everyone – even themselves. Everyone is allowed the chance to change. I was a mathlete for god's sake!" She laughed._

"_I was a drunken teenage cheer whore."_

"_I so wish I'd known you then." She laughed at him and twisted her body round to enable her to kiss him._

"_Well I suppose there's always the chance I could pretend to be the person again – just for you." Julian pulled her sharply down to land on him as he fell back completely onto the bed. His lips pressed to hers with a hunger that took her by surprise._

_Three days – and they'd probably only spent around six hours outside their hotel room. Brooke actually felt like she was walking on air – rather than a beautiful golden beach. Julian was beside her his hand firmly clasped around her own. Both had adopted a carefree gait to their stroll. Admittedly they'd not spent the entire time in their hotel room having sex – for Brooke as amazing as that was it wasn't the part that made it for her. Just being alone with her husband reminded her exactly how easy it was to allow children to make you drift from your lover. A thing that was particularly easy when Julian was out of town frequently with work. But between the sex there had been moments, hours even when they had talked – like they had when they'd first gotten together. Curled up in bed with one another, a selection of food splayed out across the bed. She'd forgotten quite how soothing it was to lay with her head on Julian's chest and listen to his heartbeat._

"_This may sound crazy but I feel like we're us again." He smiled at her and pulled her closer to kiss her softly._

"_Not as crazy as this will – when we arrived and I heard your name from the guy at the reception desk, Mrs Brooke Baker. My heart beat just a little faster. I still get the same rush when I hear that as I did the first time on our wedding day." Brooke could almost literally feel her insides melt. She stopped then and turned to look straight at her husband who paused when she did._

"_I spent my whole life thinking I wasn't enough. My parents were never there and it never really felt like they loved me. Which had me thinking of course I wasn't enough, good enough for their love. Then I met Peyton and she was like my sister, and I thought well maybe my parents are wrong – and there was Lucas and I thought yeah they must be wrong because I have a boyfriend who loves me and a best friend who loves me – and they screwed me over, more than once. I wasn't good enough, or smart enough or pretty enough. You're the only person who ever made me feel enough – for a long time. And I don't even think about it anymore. Before, even when I felt loved I never felt enough. Like suddenly they'd realise they were wrong about me and I wasn't pretty enough or smart enough but I never once felt like that with you. Every single second in every single way I know I'm enough for you. I couldn't love anyone more than I love you, you're what makes me whole." Despite her message his eyes were sad as he enveloped her in his arms._

"_I'm just sorry that the first twenty three years of your life were spent feeling like you weren't enough. Brooke Penelope Baker is good enough, smart enough and pretty enough for any one on this planet to love her – I'm just the one man lucky enough to be able to do it, and for her to love back. And I'll certainly spend the next twenty three years and more showing you that you're enough." She smiled at him and leant forward to bring her lips to his, his arms tightening around her. She'd never had a real home growing up – but wherever she went so long as she had Julian she had her home now._

"I'll never forget that." Brooke's tears were streaming down her face at the trip down memory lane Julian had inspired in her. "Only thing is that you promised you'd spend twenty three years or more showing me I was enough. You only made it five."

"I know, I meant it at the time Brooke. I didn't know this would happen. I just hope my memory proves it to you as well I did when I was here." Brooke's head turned to her door as there was a knock on it. When she turned her head back Julian was gone.

"Come in." Nathan came in, taking one look at her tear stained face and took her in his arms.

"Brooke what's happened?" She broke away from him and brushed her tears away.

"Nothing, just memories."

"It's time to get the girls from school. Since Tyler's still asleep did you want me to go for you?"

"Would you mind waiting with him Nathan? I'd like the fresh air." He nodded and she smiled at him before leaving. As much as she loved her talks with her husband he frustrated her as well. Truth was it was only her own self doing this to her. She wasn't quite ready to let him go yet, and knowing a person so well made it easy to recreate them in your mind. She knew precisely what he'd think about her avoiding her mother – which was why she was able to view him in front of her, hear his voice saying the things she knew he would if he were able. And he, or rather she herself was right. She did need to speak to her mother. She smiled to herself, the last time she'd been in Tree Hill the idea of seeking comfort from Victoria was laughable. The bitter truth now however was the fact Brooke didn't want to see her mother because her mother knew – she alone knew just how deeply in love Brooke was with her husband. And that knowledge would highlight just how badly she was still grieving. Brooke had spent her life papering over the cracks so to the outside world it appeared she was coping. But knowledge was power and Victoria had knowledge.

* * *

A rarity had hit Tree Hill that morning, causing the girls to have the day off school. Snow had fallen overnight. Brooke could only remember having proper snow about 3 times in her entire life. The weather got cold in Tree Hill and there was often ice but it was rare that snow hit. In fact Brooke thought the last time she'd seen Tree Hill covered in snow she'd probably have been around fifteen. Nathan said it'd snowed a couple of times while she'd been in Los Angeles, but for both of them it still brought a childlike innocence to their faces. It gave both of them a great opportunity to bundle up, along with their children and head outside. Nathan had dug out some of Jamie's old winter clothes as Brooke didn't really have much suitable for Tyler or the girls. Both had been horrified by the idea of wearing boys clothes, but persuaded by the idea of going out and playing in something they'd only ever seen through a TV set they had indeed donned the winter coats, gloves and hats. Brooke felt a little odd using clothes Haley had left, she rationalised that if she asked Haley she would of course agree to it anyway, but given that Thanksgiving was just a week away Haley had decided to make the entire thing easier for everyone else she would go to stay with Tom, her brother and his wife and two children until the day after Thanksgiving. Primarily to avoid the drama, but she insisted she hadn't seen him or her nephews in such a long time a visit was well overdue. Since she knew Haley was currently making the eight hour journey to New Jersey.

"Snow angels or snowman first Davis?" Nathan's question was fired the second she stepped outside the house. She'd watched the children briefly before joining them, laughing at Tyler's inability to stay upright in the snow, turning to pride as he mastered the skill. She could hardly believe he would turn two in just three weeks. But she pushed the thought to the back of her mind, unwilling to destroy the happiness that had swept over her family like the snow over Tree Hill today.

"It's got to be angels!" Brooke was fairly certain the moment was almost Hallmarkesque as all six of them lay in a row making snow angels, or more specifically in all but Tyler's case snow angels. The toddler hadn't yet the understanding of what exactly they were doing, but was clearly enjoying it regardless. Brooke was mildly surprised, this was the same toddler who'd been unsure of grass the first time he'd been expected to crawl across it.

"Mom can we make a snowman?" Brooke grinned at her daughters jumping around her.

"Sure you can." Brooke allowed Nathan to take Tyler off to make his own smaller snowman while she and Jamie assisted the girls in making theirs. Brooke found it hard to convince her children to come back inside for their lunch, but after promising they could return to their snowman the second they'd eaten they finally gave in. She'd never witnessed her girls wolf their food down quicker, and helped them bundle back up to finish their snowman with Jamie and Nathan while she helped Tyler finish his dinner and then get him settled for his nap. She saw the snowman being completed as she pulled on her boots and snuck quietly from the door. She bent, keeping a careful eye on the group not wanting to draw any attention to herself – until...

"Snowball fight!" She screamed at the top of her head, allowing just enough time for the group to turn but not enough time for Nathan to move out of the course of the snowball hurtling towards him, hitting him in the face. The girls shrieked with laughter and darted away in different directions as Jamie threw himself behind the snowman as cover. Brooke laughed as she watched Nathan wipe the snow from his face, his brow clearly displaying his annoyance at Brooke's sneak attack.

"You're dead Davis." And quick as lightening he had a snowball in each hand and was advancing towards her. With a laugh and a cry she began to run away from him, seeing a large tree as being perfect for cover – at least for long enough to make her snowballs. She found both girls already behind the tree, stock piling snowballs. Brooke grinned at her daughters, a million miles from her everyday self.

"It's us Baker girls against those horrible Scott boys. Who is going to win?" She asked them. Their cheeks were rosy and their eyes sparkled and she had the fleeting thought that this was the first time either of them had seemed truly alive since their father had died. Or maybe it was because it was the first time she'd acted like their mother again.

"We will mom."

"We'll kick butt!"

"That's my girls. Now I'll go left and you both go right. Snowballs ready. Ok go!" On her word the three of them dived from the safety of the tree flinging snowballs at the advancing brunette man, their onslaught hitting the desired target Nathan dropped his snowballs and covered his head. The focus of the Baker three however neglected Jamie Scott – who took his opportunity to sprint past flinging snowballs at the three of them, causing all three to turn their backs to Nathan. Nathan took the distraction and used it to his advantage, sprinting up to Brooke she screamed as she felt him pour the cold snow down between her clothing and her skin. The feel of it against her warm skin causing her to almost curse.

"I'll get you Nathan Royal Scott!" She was already after him as she shouted and he turned and laughed, jogging backwards as he did, and tripped. "Girls!" The three of them were on him like a shot, stuffing the cold snow into every available clothing opening they could find, with Brooke delighting in the howls the action elicited from Nathan.

"Jamie Scott you coward you should be saving me!" Nathan shouted his son.

"Coming!" Brooke turned at the sound of Jamie, ready to brace herself against more snow. Instead she saw him hurtling towards them with the hose.

"Don't you dare James Lucas Scott – I'm your Aunt Brooke, I give you money."

"I know, and you always were my favourite – that's why I'll give you twenty seconds head start." Brooke scowled at the Scott smirk on Jamie's features but sprang to her feet, telling her daughters to run. Nathan was on his feet shaking snow from his clothes laughing when Jamie set off after them. When Brooke disappeared off to get Tyler from his nap the others continued to play in the snow. Brooke returned with her son and they all decided the best new game to play would be to bury Nathan in snow. By the time the girls and Tyler started to complain of hunger Brooke glanced at her watched to discover it was almost seven in the evening. Way past dinner and almost Tyler's bedtime.

"Okay, let's go inside, get warmed up. I'll make some hot chocolate and we can have pizza from the freezer and then we can watch a film and make smores."

"Can Sawyer come over for dinner and smores mom?" Hannah asked her mother.

"Can she watch the film with us and stay over?"

"I'll say yes to the first one, but it's Nathan's house so you best ask him if she can stay over."

"Nathan please!" both girls managed to say simultaneously.

"Sure my favourite niece can come over, best see if my knucklehead brother wants to come too."

* * *

**Lucas**

Lucas looked over at his brother snoring in the armchair. His daughter and Brooke's all cuddled together across one sofa, a blanket thrown over them when they'd drifted off hours ago. Jamie had long since declared them boring and gone to play computer games in his room.

"It sounds like you all had fun today. Well Sophie and Hannah certainly did anyway. I imagine Sawyer was very jealous since her day consisted of unpacking boxes." Brooke smiled at him.

"I suspect if that was what she did all day she probably was happy – and you possibly even enjoyed the day more than rest of us." Lucas couldn't help the somewhat dorky grin that spread across his face.

"Honestly it doesn't really feel like it's happening. Part of me kept thinking Peyton was going to change her mind at the last minute, then yesterday she left and there was just me, Sawyer and a bunch of boxes. Even today I was expecting a call saying don't unpack she's coming home." There was the voice in the back of his head telling him that this wasn't forever, he himself had said to Peyton it was only until they all left Tree Hill, and though Sawyer had been told the same he suspected she had it in her head that she would be there much longer than that.

"I highly suspect that Sawyer wouldn't be dragged away no matter what at this point. She really is a lovely girl Lucas. She's very kind and incredibly polite and helpful." Lucas couldn't help but snort with laughter. His daughter had been described as many things but none of those terms had been applied to her recently. Sure she was polite enough to him, did her chores when she stayed over without too much compliant, but the way Brooke described her was a joy to hear. If not little unbelievable. "What?" She demanded of him, whacking him lightly on the chest in protest at him laughing at her.

"Nothing, it's just Sawyer is the stereotypical rebellious teen and she creates more drama than we five did back in high school all by herself. It sounds almost foreign to hear someone say something nice about her."

"Lucas when you first met me, not knew who I was but met me stripped naked in the backseat of your car who was I?"

"Brooke Davis head cheerleader."

"I was looking for a little more than that – but I was the stereotypical head cheerleader. I was pretty, popular, a bitch, I liked partying and boys. That's all you saw, it's all anyone apart from maybe Nate and Peyton saw. And Nathan doesn't even count because he was doing the same I was. We were both hiding, sometimes it easier to display a stereotype than it is to confront the person you really are. If someone hates you for being a stereotype you can brush it off because it's not really you – but if you show your real self to the world and that self gets slammed then what do you do?"

"I know she's more than that, no one else does. Not even Peyton. So if she is hiding like you both were what from? Nathan was hiding from Dan's criticism, you were yourself because of your parents, which gives a common theme. It also begs the question did we do this to her?"

"They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had, And add some extra, just for you. But they were fucked up in their turn, By fools in old-style hats and coats, Who half the time were soppy-stern, And half at one another's throats. Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, And don't have any kids yourself." Lucas laughed.

"Well the Brooke Davis who stripped naked in the back of my car would certainly never quote Philip Larkin to me." She grinned at him.

"Sometimes it's not about why you do it, but about how people can unlock you. You unlocked the real me Luke, and made me a much better person for it. A person who read enough to be able to quote Philip Larkin poems to friends in need of words wiser than I could create myself. I have every faith that you can get Sawyer to open up. She already has, otherwise she wouldn't be so willing to spend time with Sophie and Hannah. She wouldn't have called me Mrs Baker and asked if I needed any help with dinner when she got her, nor would she had cleared the table without being asked. You have done a good job raising her, you both have. You just need to have faith that when she's ready she'll show everyone that she's brilliant, beautiful and brave. And that's got what it takes to change the world. After all she's already proved she's fiercely independent." Lucas chuckled.

"Quoting my own novel, it's funny but when I wrote that I never saw any of this. In fact when I wrote the part about you, it was before Peyton and I even got together. I never thought the same words would be applied to my own daughter almost eighteen years later. It's funny how similar you can be to someone you never met and in a lot of ways she's so like her godmother it's unreal. Then again maybe it's because we're never solid, we always bend and change and there are times when it's so clear she's Peyton's daughter even though she'd curse me for saying it, other times I feel like she's my shadow."

"It's been a long time since I considered myself her godmother, I'm fairly certain Peyton would have that stricken from the record if she could." Lucas saw the pain in her eyes, which although was a fairly constant image scorned on Brooke's retinas lately he knew this time it was not about Julian.

"Do you still miss your friendship?"

"Sometimes. I think I actually missed it more in L.A. Everyone there was so fake and I never had any real friends like I did here. Since I've been in Tree Hill everything has been shot to pieces, the first time I'd even been in the same room as you all since I got here like five months ago was at Jamie's basketball game the other night. Today has been amazing but particularly after you and Sawyer got here it did feel like there were key people missing." Lucas nodded in agreement. While the animosity between him and Peyton was the norm to him now he supposed that the last time Brooke had been in this environment they'd all been so happy. Lucas and Peyton just married and having a baby. Nathan and Haley blissfully happy with their son and both were achieving their dreams. And Brooke having met the man she would marry. It was strange how much could change in what felt like a short period.

"I really missed Haley today. But honestly missing her was worth it just to see you happy. I know it's not that easy and happiness is still not truly happy but it was good to see you..." He trailed off not knowing what to say to avoid insulting or hurting her.

"I did enjoy today and I loved seeing how happy my children were. I don't know if I'll ever leave now Lucas."

"Not go home?" She shrugged.

"I don't know where home is. Home was with Julian, which was L.A. but the truth is L.A. was never my home, it was only home because he was there. Tree Hill has always been home – it's why I came back from New York. If Julian's gone I just don't see the point in going back to Los Angeles. The children all seem like they're settling here, Nathan is like my brother and he's here. Whether he'd admit it or not he needs us as much as we need him right now. I'd like to be here for Haley when the time comes obviously." He nodded in agreement, Tree Hill was a place for Brooke to heal and he understood why she wouldn't want to leave that. Particularly if she felt there was nothing left for her in Los Angeles now. "Plus I like us being friends again."

"I like being friends again too Brooke. Over the years everyone just moved away from Tree Hill, Mouth to New York with Millie, Skills, Junk and Fergie to Raleigh for better work opportunities. There was only really Nate and Haley that I ever spent time with. Which obviously there's double the time now they're not together but it certainly makes life awkward. It's good having another middle man around. Besides with all their drama you really are there when I need to talk to someone about Peyton and Sawyer."

"Who'd have thought Brooke Davis would become a font of wisdom." Lucas smiled at her joking tone. Brooke had always managed to make him laugh, whether it was at her own or someone else's expense she had a way of saying things that amused him. It was one of the striking differences between his relationship with her and his relationship with Peyton. While he and Peyton may have enjoyed the same things he and Brooke had fun together. It was something the brooding author had always had too little of in his life prior to Brooke Davis, and too little of after she'd gone.

"Yeah she's very wise indeed – quoting everyone else's words of wisdom because her own of drink and have sex life will be awesome just don't cut it at times." She scowled at him and lashed out with her foot against his thigh.

"As opposed to you who thinks burying your head in a book and NOT living life will make things awesome." She raised her eyebrows challenging him. He narrowed his eyes at her but said nothing. "Seriously Lucas – when was the last time you did something crazy and daring just because you could, just to remember you were alive?"

"Probably when some crazy fool dragged me into someone's hot tub to have sex." Brooke creased up with laughter.

"Lucas that was eighteen years ago! You must have done something since then."

"Okay I went on a drinking spree around New York and managed to get wasted and not spend hardly any money all because some crazy girl pretended we'd just got engaged."

"Lucas have you ever done anything crazy that didn't involve me?"

"Vegas." He regretted saying it as soon as the word was out his mouth, the frivolous mood somewhat dampened as she almost recoiled from the memory. Before he knew it however she was up.

"Well if Vegas was the last time you did something crazy we'll have to change that." He laughed nervously having no idea what was going through her head.

"Actually Brooke, crazy things have gotten a bad name since I rather insanely admitted to my wife I had feelings for her best friend." Brooke shook her head at him.

"While I agree that was pure insanity that wasn't done to feel alive Lucas. Come with me." He felt a sense of dread as she dragged him up off the sofa and scampered over to the French doors. She turned back and took his hand – he was fairly certain this was so he couldn't walk away. "You ready?" he shook his head. He was certainly not ready for whatever crazy scheme she'd just this second dreamt up. Brooke had a habit of getting him to do crazy things far beyond his comfort zone. Her grip tightened as she pulled the door open and dragged him out shutting it behind him. She squealed a little as her bare feet sank into the snow. His brain was filled with cries of 'get your ass back inside you crazy fool!' She sprinted off over the once again fresh snow, spinning in circles as flakes fell down over her. She had her arms open wide and her palms face up, catching snowflakes on her tongue. She looked so young and innocent – so unaware of the freezing temperature. He on the other hand was freezing.

"Brooke we could end up with pneumonia if we stay out here." She froze then and looked at him with a wistful smile.

"We never caught pneumonia last time you said that to me." Lucas shook his head in disbelief at the insanity that was Brooke Baker nee Davis. He jogged tentatively over to her and she in return kicked snow up at him. His jeans were not the best item of clothing to be getting covered in wet snow but she was wearing just cotton pyjama bottoms and an oversized sweatshirt. At least he had socks on. As crazy activities rated this was the craziest she'd ever initiated with him. But he couldn't help but laugh at her infectious enthusiasm. He reasoned five minutes couldn't possibly hurt – so long as she wasn't stood in the snow in bare feet. With that in mind he scooped her up fireman style over his shoulder and spun them both round. Her laughter piercing his heart as he wondered just how long it had been since he'd felt joy outside of his daughter. This woman did that to him without even trying. Ten minutes later they were both upstairs in her room, she in her own dry clothes and he in some of his brother's. He'd brought up hot chocolate with mini marshmallows and whipped cream while she changed and both were bundled up beneath her duvet.

"Well despite being almost thirty six that was honestly the first time I've pranced round in the snow without shoes or anything more than jeans and t-shirt." She laughed, her eyes twinkling before they dulled and her face became serious.

"These past few months I...I died when he did Lucas. Or at least that's the way it felt. Tonight wasn't just about getting you to step outside your little box, it was about showing myself that I didn't die. It's something I need to keep reminding myself, for my sake as well as theirs."

"'To find a safe journey through grief to growth does not mean one should forget the past. It means that on the journey we will need safe pathways so that remembrance, which may be painful, is possible,' Donna O'Toole. As hard as it may be Brooke you need to find a way to accept that he will not come back, and to accept that it is perfectly okay for you to continue living, to seek enjoyment and fulfilment despite his death." She smiled a little at him.

"Now you're the one quoting the wise words of others." He rolled his eyes.

"Well sometimes my own fail me."

"Thank you for just coming along for the ride." He shrugged.

"Anytime Brooke."

* * *

"How come there's a lock on my door?" Lucas grinned before turning to face his daughter. He'd been expecting this.

"That was my room when I was in high school and I know what used to come in through that door when my mother was asleep. I'm not making the same mistake with you – especially given how much trouble you cause compared to me." Sawyer scowled.

"What makes you so sure that I won't be the perfect daughter now I'm living with you and not mom?" Lucas laughed.

"No one is perfect."

"I can think of someone who is." Lucas raised an eyebrow.

"Who might that be then?"

"Brooke." Her answer threw him a little, he'd not been expecting it. "She's awesome dad! She's not like I expected. You guys never really talked about her in front of me but she's so cool! Way cooler than any of you guys. Sophie said her mom was great – before her dad died and since then she'd been a completely different person. She said she was getting glimpses of her mom. When she called to invite me over I was expecting some sad widow – which I get people dying must suck. But she just was cool, and really friendly. Being over there with them and Uncle Nate and Jamie – it felt like a real family dad. Plus Sophie said she's a fashion designer, a real successful one with a business that's worth like millions of dollars, billions even." Lucas laughed.

"Well I'm not sure how much it's worth but yes it's a lot. Though I was under the impression you didn't care much for fashion." Sawyer rolled her eyes at him and he felt entirely clueless and completely his age.

"Just because I don't dress in it doesn't mean she's not cool for being one. Sophie said she has stores all over the world and has fashion shows. She said her mom has even taken her to a couple – one of them was in Paris! That's way better than anything anyone else here has done. I mean sure Uncle Nate played for the NBA which was good, and Aunt Hales is a rock star – but that's only in this country. Brooke is famous all over the world. Totally cool, and she's really pretty too. She's pretty perfect." Lucas smiled at her. Sawyer rarely displayed such emotion and it was refreshing for him to see it. Maybe Brooke was right about Sawyer needing the right environment to flourish as herself.

"Well yes Brooke has always been a very special person."

"You ever wish she'd been my mom instead of my mom?"

"No I don't. What makes you so unique Sawyer is the combination of me and your mother. You wouldn't be the same if someone else was your mother."

"Maybe I'd be better." Lucas sighed at her suddenly downhearted look.

"You couldn't get better than you are sweetheart." A sly grin emerged on her face.

"Does that mean I'm perfect?" Lucas knew then that he'd been had! By a thirteen year old.

"I refuse to answer on the grounds it will not serve me well in the future. Now come on my nightmare child, we have to collect your grandma, Andy and Aunt Lily in a couple of hours and somehow we need to find space for them all amongst your junk."

"What about Aunt Haley's junk – and yours!" Lucas laughed at his daughter.

"I couldn't be happier you're here – junk and all." Sawyer grinned at him and his heart melted.

"I couldn't be happier either dad."

* * *

**Nathan**

"Hey blondie." Nathan smirked at the woman behind the desk as he idly rolled a ball across the pool table.

"She's gone a day and you're here. What gives?" Nathan shrugged.

"I haven't seen you around much what with – everything. Figured I'd take the opportunity to stop by, see how you are. Ask how you're coping with Sawyer not being around." The blonde nodded with understanding then as Nathan slumped into the chair opposite her. He gazed around the studio he'd once felt so comfortable in. It hadn't changed too much over the years, there were awards on the walls along with photos of Peyton with each act signed to the label. It was what made Red Bedroom successful, the personal touch that Peyton always gave, it also meant it would always stay a small label. As far as Nathan knew that suited his friend, it had always suited his wife. The shift in his personal life made being in Red Bedroom Records an uncomfortable experience for him now.

"She's only been gone a few days."

"My guess is you missed her after an hour." Peyton grinned at him.

"Okay so you got me. How are you coping without Haley?" Nathan shrugged, discussing his feelings had never been an activity he'd engaged in. Particularly not when it came to Haley. It was one thing declaring he loved her – quite another discussing their divorce. Even with his closest friends.

"I cope – not much other choice."

"Can you remember near the end of high school? The how much can one class change your life class. How we spent fifty minutes just us for quite possibly the first time since we'd split up nearly two years before then? Everything you were even then was about Haley and Jamie. You can act as much as you like that this isn't killing you – but you're really talking to the wrong person if you want someone to join your charade. I was honest with you back then about what living for them might do to you and I'll be just as honest now. You're using Brooke and her children as a cover for what's going on in your life. The sooner you start asking yourself the tough questions the better it'll be for all concerned."

"And what questions might those be oh wise one?"

"The thing about ending your marriage is you need to be one hundred percent certain that no matter what your love is either gone or it just isn't enough. I knew that it wasn't enough with Lucas, see it wasn't so much what he said about Brooke in the present that was the problem. Just before you and Haley had your second wedding I told Brooke I still had feelings for Lucas and in light of the previous time felt she ought to know even though I didn't plan on acting on them." Nathan thought this sounded vaguely familiar and wondered if Haley had mentioned it at some point.

"That proves honesty isn't always wise."

"It's only years later I can admit I didn't tell her to be honest. I told her because it would pray on her insecurities and because she loved me, possibly more than him and certainly more than herself. The two things were a potent mix, and she did exactly what on a subconscious level I knew she would. She took herself out the running."

"What's your point?"

"My point is that knowing he loved me and Brooke wasn't in itself the end, it was knowing she'd never fought for him and I fought with every breath. In my head there would always be the question is today the day she fights? Is today the day I lose him? My marriage was over because of that. You're so alike. So frozen by fear that neither of you are willing to really accept what it is you want and to fight for that. Nathan the tough question is this – what do you want? Do you still love her? Do you love her enough? I know you think that by throwing divorce papers her way you're already answered those questions but personally I think it's a front. Your pride is getting in the way because you think this is how a scorned husband should act. But the truth is it won't do you any favours to do what everyone else thinks is right, or wants."

"I'm fairly certain everyone else wants me to forgive her."

"Just think about what you're losing." He already had, Nathan Scott could not raise anyone else's child. He knew without hesitation every time he saw that face he would feel the sharp pain of his wife's infidelity. Not to mention that it would be shoved in his face every visit from the actual father of the child.

"You don't know what you're talking about, besides I came here to check on you not to be psychoanalysed." Peyton laughed.

"Isn't that we always do, our little group. Psychoanalyse and discuss until words lose all meaning." Nathan smirked.

"That's more yours and Luke's style than mine. God it must have been like dating a carbon copy of yourself when you were together. True love always my ass blondie." Peyton scowled at him.

"As opposed to your always and forever that worked out so well."

"You know why fairytales always end when the girl and the guy get it together." Peyton raised a questioning eyebrow at him. "The wedding is always the end because it leaves everything believable, the happily ever after. But nothing ever ends like that, that quickly for one thing. If our lives were movies the ending would have been when you survived after having Sawyer. Mine would have ended when Haley achieved her music dream and I achieved my basketball dream and we had each other and Jamie."

"Probably right Nate. Life isn't a movie. Movies set unrealistic examples of happiness and perfection that nothing ever lives up to."

"You mean like An Unkindness did?" Peyton rolled her eyes. Peyton had confided in Nathan many years ago that she blamed Lucas' first novel for years of drama in her life. That he his words stayed unpublished perhaps things would have run smoother. An Unkindness, she said, painted a picture of her life that had never been real.

"You know what, it's 4 in the afternoon and I say it's the best time to go get drunk off our asses." Nathan chuckled at her.

"I don't know, four does still seem a little early."

"You're getting old. I bet I could drink you under the table."

"Is that a challenge?" Nathan knew she'd got him, he knew she knew he would never back down from a challenge.

"Sure is Natie boy."

"Let's go blondie." Peyton flung her pen down on her desk and stood in one swift movement taking the jacket from the back of her chair.

"Just let's not do in here."

"Fine by me."


	15. Thanksgiving

**Finally an update, I do apologise it is short in length but it does set up the next major part of the storyline hence the reason it's short. Thank you to people who are still sticking with this one despite the poor updating!**

**Lucas**

Most people hate airports, whether you were standing in arrivals waiting to see loved ones again or hanging around in departures waiting to go home or go on vacation the process was one primarily of waiting. Lucas loved that time though, the moments of anticipation as he stood in arrivals waiting for his family to come home. Despite being closer to forty than he would like he still felt a sense of peace when his mother was coming home. This time life felt better than ever knowing that Sawyer's presence was not fleeting, that she'd spend the entire time his mom was back with them and still be there after she'd gone. A stunning girl was coming through the gate, long, lean legs went down into sandals with heels so high Lucas had no idea how she could walk in them without breaking her neck. The girl was flawlessly made up in clothes that despite being modest were somehow seductive. Her long brunette hair was pinned up in a style that may have appeared messy and unplanned Lucas was certain had taken considerable time to do. Her beautiful features were enhanced by the smile that split her face wide. The bag hanging from her shoulder slipped to the ground as she opened her arms wide and came closer to him.

"Hey big brother." He grinned back and hugged her tight, he let go a little and leant back to look at her.

"What happened to you Lils?" While as a man he was well aware this girl was stunningly beautiful as her big brother he felt a swift kick of protectiveness and a desire to wrap her up in thick sweats. She laughed lightly at him.

"I couldn't stay a tomboy forever Lukie, even if I do study mechanical engineering there's no law that says I have to look like a tramp." Luke bite back the retort that she looked an entirely different type of tramp as it was.

"You grew up baby sister. Where's mom?" Lily stepped away from him, this time she was the one that appraised him.

"Baggage claim with dad." He tried not to wince when Lily referred to Andy as her father. While on a logical level Lucas was clearly able to understand her logic and why she loved Andy as she did it still felt a little hurtful when he considered how much he loved Keith that she would say that. Not that it was an issue he would ever bring up with anyone. "Where's my favourite niece?" It was at that exact moment Sawyer returned back from the bathroom.

"I thought you were the smart one in your family – I'm your only niece!" Both girls broke into huge grins at the sight of one another, hugging each other and making exclamations about how great the other looked. Lucas looked on a little bewildered and feeling distinctly old.

"Imagine how old I feel my boy." A voice from behind him caused him to smile and envelope his mother into a warm hug. How his mother always knew exactly how he was feeling even now amazed him. As he held her tight she whispered in his ear. "How is she doing?" He knew without question his mother wasn't referring to Sawyer but to Brooke.

"Sure she'll be a million times better when she sees you." Karen smiled at him and moved on to greet her granddaughter. "How was the flight?" Lucas shook hands with the slightly older man. As the party began to make their way to the doors Lucas and Andy hung back allowing the three girls to chatter and exchange stories.

"Not bad really, thankfully there was a good film on so I managed to zone out from listening to your mother and sister bickering." For Lucas it was slightly hurtful to concede he was such a small part of their lives now. Lily had grown up barely knowing her brother and he and his mother while as close as ever when they saw one another didn't actually see each other that often. "Lily is trying to convince your mother to let her come stay here over the summer before she starts university. Karen is a little put off by the idea. She can just about stand visiting to see you and Sawyer but for her this place holds a great deal of misery. Besides the idea of both her children being so far away is killing her. She had this idea that Lily would want to soak up as much time with her as possible before she went away."

"Lil never wanted to come before, not really." Andy shrugged.

"She said she wants to learn her roots while she still has the chance."

"Well it might be good for her, though I doubt there's any chance we'll erase that posh British accent of hers."

"You see him much?" Lucas sighed deeply knowing that this was the real reason Karen didn't want her daughter in Tree Hill. Dan Scott had come back to Tree Hill five years ago. Their paths rarely crossed, rumour being Dan Scott was more or less a recluse but the chance was always there that it might happen. And Karen would be worried that Lily would be a temptation too much for Dan.

"Not since he first came back. I understand her fears, but I wouldn't let him near her." The conversation halted as they reached the car. Bags were thrown in and the group piled in, Lily insisting she sit up front with her big brother.

"So are we going to see Haley, Nate and Jamie straight away?" Ah, Lucas knew there was something he had to tell them. It was only since Haley had bought a house that Lucas was accepting there was no going back from them. He knew the situation was awful but they were Nathan and Haley and even he hoped they could bring it back from the edge. So he'd neglected to tell Lily, who adored the couple and his mother who would be so sad about the way things were.

"Haley's actually gone to see her brother for Thanksgiving Lils. She won't be back until the day after Thanksgiving. But Nathan and Jamie will be there as usual, and Brooke and her children too."

"Brooke is so cool Lily, and Sophie and Hannah are great too. Tyler is so adorable as well."

"That's great, it'll be weird without Haley though. I didn't know she even spoke to her brothers that often. How come she's going on her own?"

"She's not technically on her own – Haley's pregnant. Before you get excited though – Haley and Nathan have split up. It's not Nathan's baby." Stunned silence descended upon the car. Lucas was well aware that telling them he'd taken up pole dancing would have been less shocking than the idea of Haley committing infidelity. "It was a bad time in their marriage and she made one drunken mistake."

"It's a surprise Lucas but it's not our place to judge. It may seem out of character for Haley but she's a strong woman and a wonderful mother. This is the path that she's on now and we'll support her the same as before." Lucas knew his mother would have the right words. Karen Hargrove certainly was a woman who commanded respect, who had an innate sense of exactly when and how to word her perceptions to help those she loved. No wonder he loved her being home so much.

"Coming to visit wouldn't be the same if there wasn't some kind of Tree Hill drama." Lucas laughed, Andy was indeed correct. Never did they visit without something having happened since they'd last been in town. Lucas kept waiting to grow up and live drama free, but nearing forty he did question when exactly that would happen. Lucas wondered whether he'd pulled into the right driveway when he noticed a thin brunette sat on his porch step. Until he realised it was Brooke. She stood and dusted herself off as he parked the car and everyone piled out. Unsurprisingly Karen was the first over to her, the younger woman wrapped in a tight hug before anyone could say a word.

"Are you the welcome party?" Karen questioned as the pair broke apart.

"Actually I'm the I need a favour party."

"You know it's yes Brooke."

"Let her ask first ma." Lucas had strolled over to them , noted that Brooke actually seemed to have make up on her face today. He wondered whether she was making an effort for his mother's return or whether it was a sign she was beginning to claw back some of herself.

"Could I bring someone to Thanksgiving, other than my children obviously?" Lucas was struck dumb at her words. "I need to invite my mother to visit and it seemed like a good time." A mystery someone was slightly less shocking than Brooke inviting Victoria. "Julian has reminded me that she's been amazing since the children were born and not terrible before then so I need to stop cutting her out just because it's easier."

"Sure your mom can come honey, Thanksgiving is about family."

"That's great, not that it's not wonderful to see you Karen but I need to get back to the children. Besides I'm sure you want to get settled in and catch up. It was good seeing you again Andy. And Lily, god the last time I saw you was thirteen years ago, you've really grown up. I look forward to meeting you properly." With a last hug for Karen she was gone. As Andy took the bags inside and Lily and Sawyer went in Karen placed a hand on his stomach stopping him following.

"Did she say Julian reminded her?" Lucas' face creased into a frown.

"She talks to him, sees him."

"Like a ghost?" He shook his head.

"She says not. She told Haley that it's just her imagination, she knows he's not real but...she talks to him, he talks back." His mother slowly nodded her head and he tried to gauge her reaction to know whether their worry was justified.

"She loved him very much Lucas, they shared a lot together. So long as she knows he's not real and that eventually she'll need to let him go I can't see the harm for now." He smiled and wrapped an arm round her as they went inside.

"You have no idea how glad I am that you're back."

* * *

**Brooke**

Despite having three children she'd never really adjusted to being a morning person. The fact that the girls were so excited about their grandmother flying in for Thanksgiving was another reason they were up so ridiculously early. By seven am Brooke and the girls were up and dressed. She's prepared a very light breakfast for the household, guessing that Karen's Thanksgiving dinner would be enough to feed a small country for a month. Victoria had arrived late last night and checked herself into a hotel. Brooke had told the girls she didn't land until ten in the morning as a way to allow Victoria a little time to rest from her flight. If they knew she was in town Brooke would get no peace at all until they saw her.

At seven thirty Brooke finally allowed them to go and get Nathan and Jamie up, their excitement was hard to contain and she could hear Tyler stirring anyway. She trudged upstairs and could be near hear the groans of the Scott men, she chuckled lightly to herself. Lucas had told them to come by around nine anyway so she figured seven thirty wasn't all that early. In the space of an hour all the occupants of the Scott household were up, dressed and fed ready to begin Thanksgiving. Brooke bundled her children up figuring that if both she and Nathan had a drink with dinner it was easier not to drive.

Happiness was certainly the key word for the day. Nathan had purchased a plastic ride on motorcycle for Tyler three weeks ago and he point blank refused to leave the house without it. So there he was 'vrooming' along the sidewalk as the girls ran either side keeping him safe from the traffic. Jamie hung behind his fingers moving like lightening as he communicated with his friends. Between Brooke's children and Jamie Nathan walked beside her. His steady stream of conversation did little to alleviate the ache in her heart. The first holiday without Julian. She of course knew it was going to hard. She expected it – not that that was a consolation at all.

Brooke watched silently the interactions upon reaching Lucas' house. Karen was already firmly placed in the kitchen. She'd forgotten how much of a family they would have all become in the years of her absence and it was strange to think of the bonds they'd all formed that she had no clue about. After initial greetings they seemed to split. Andy engaged Nathan in some serious discussion about red wine and she was shocked to hear how passionately Nathan spoke on the subject. Andy assured him he'd chosen some excellent wines for dinner and they spoke in a near foreign language to her. Sawyer had disappeared with her girls somewhere. Jamie and Lily greeted one another like best friends rather than slightly distant family. And then there was Karen. She tore herself – perhaps reluctantly – away from the stove to greet one particularly important person. Her gorgeous son. Karen seemed thoroughly enchanted by Tyler and he by her.

"My mom would have adored more grandchildren obviously." Brooke grinned at him.

"She's still plenty of time, Lily is young."

"Sure she is, I meant from me. I would have liked more children, you and Julian were lucky." She was a little shocked that Lucas brought Julian into the conversation. She'd wrongly assumed everyone would do their best to not mention his name at all today.

"That's because we were only children Lucas, I can't imagine any only child would want the same for their child."

"Speak for yourself, I have a half brother and a half sister. Admittedly I didn't really get the benefit of either. Sometimes I think how I'm old enough to be Lily's dad. Particularly when I see her and Jamie together."

"They seem pretty close."

"They are, they certainly are. They fight a lot, Lils has defected to soccer a little since she grew up in England. It's a source of contention, as is the fact she's a few hours older than him." Lucas just rolled his eyes. It struck her then just how much she'd missed out on by not being around her friends. She thought she'd stayed in touch but she really hadn't. "So Brooke, what's the deal with inviting Victoria?" She smiled, amused. She wasn't the only one who missed a lot.

"She's changed a lot, Julian gave her an ultimatum just as I was moving to be with him. she is a grandmother to them. Sadly she's not as close to Ty but that's because when I had him I needed to take a step back at work, which meant she needed to go back to New York for work. But she adores him as much as the girls obviously. It's more a time issue now. She's been great with the company since Julian. I just avoided her is all. I think it's been a cocoon here and while she may be a good mother now she's still got that harshness to her. I guess I'm a little afraid she'll not accept how much I've struggled. She thinks the best defence is a good offence, but mostly – she's the only person who knows just how much I loved him, just how happy we were. It seemed hard to deal with her because she understood, as much as anyone can." Lucas nodded, he understood as much as anyone could. Brooke knew Lucas' nature was empathetic and that he would try his best to place himself in someone else's place. But she also accepted no one would ever know what Julian's death had done to her, how much it still hurt every single day.

"Hey Uncle Luke Lily thinks she can still school me on the court, she's completely crazy but I'm happy to prove her wrong, do you want to come to the River Court with us? I figured we could make teams if everyone wanted to play." Lucas grinned.

"You know I'm always ready for a game and I'm sure your dad will be too, why don't you ask Sawyer, Sophie and Hannah?"

"Hey Andy, Nate the kids want to go play a game of basketball, you guys coming?" Both men nodded and Brooke noted just how enthusiastic Nathan seemed by the idea. "This is kind of a family tradition." Brooke smiled as Lucas passed on that titbit of information and once again she realised just how she'd lost touch with the family she'd chosen for herself. She and Julian had only ever spent Thanksgiving with the children, her mother and his father preferring to visit for Christmas instead.

"Sounds like fun, but I better hang back with Tyler, I'm going to try and get him to have an early nap so he isn't too tired during dinner."

"Don't be ridiculous Brooke, Deb will be here any minute and between us we'll easily manage dinner and taking care of the most adorable little boy in the world!" Brooke had the good grace to blush slightly, of course she thought Tyler was the most adorable boy ever but it was always gratifying to hear others say it.

"Are you sure Karen?" The older woman came over and stood close so that no one overheard her words.

"Brooke today will be hard let's not pretend. You'll be much better off going and attempting to play basketball with your friends and your girls than here while Tyler naps." Brooke knew that the time being normal with the girls would be good not just for her but for them too. They needed time to adjust just as much as she did. She sometimes forgot how hard it must be for them, too wrapped up in her own grief. "And if everything's under control and it's too early for him to sleep we can come and watch you all."

"My mother is due soon."

"Well we'll wait until she gets here. Go on." So Brooke wrapped the girls and herself back up and the group set off with the two boisterous seventeen year olds leading the way.

"So what are the teams?" For some reason Brooke felt a flash of something, a picture of her younger self as a self assured, confident and beautiful brunette held the ball near centre court. Her fiery eyes challenging her brother, uncle and nephew out of the group.

"Dad and me, you and uncle Luke. You choose the rest." Jamie swiped the ball away from his aunt and she grinned back at him.

"Sawyer and dad are with me, one family against another." Brooke felt a glimmer of shock torch through her at Lily's words. The idea that despite it all she and her children still had a family. Jamie bounced the ball back over to the young brunette.

"Game on Lil." The way the pair played off one another would only ever remind the three thirty somethings of the first game they'd all been witness to on this court, the one replicated two years later. Nathan versus Lucas. As the game began Brooke noticed how seriously the teenagers took the game, the other children and even Nate and Lucas only taking it as fun. She smiled as she remembered so clearly the only time she'd played on this court other than this day. The day before the world ended. Their last night as children before magically overnight they were adults. It had been exactly what this was, fun. A magical quality and she was able to forget the years that had passed between then and now.

* * *

"Brooke you know I love you, but at the same time I haven't had a total personality transplant so I won't coddle you. I understand this is hard, but facts are facts. Your business needs you." Brooke was tempted to insist to her mother to drop the subject, that soon they would be heading inside for a lovely dinner with people she loved and did her mother really want to do this now. Brooke had been mildly surprised upon returning from the River Court to find her mother in Lucas' kitchen with Deb and Karen 'chatting' and playing with Tyler. Victoria may have changed in her attitude towards her, and her love to her grandchildren but she was still not the type of person Brooke could imagine sitting and passing time and conversation with others. The children were beyond ecstatic to see Victoria, and truth be told Brooke was too. It was only seeing her that reminded her just how much she had grown to love her mother – warts and all.

"I'm not ready to go back to L.A." Victoria nodded and Brooke could see the telltale signs of her mother restraining her sharp tongue.

"Come to New York then, you can hide just as well there and work."

"I can't uproot the children again so soon. It's not fair they're settling here, especially the girls."

"They'll settle in New York Brooke – there'll be near me."

"I know that mom, but I'm not ready yet either. This place was home for a long time and being here is just easy for me right now." Victoria frowned at her.

"I did envision you saying this. Honestly Brooke I do understand that you can't just forget everything that's happened and if you really need to be here I won't say another word on the matter – so long as you stop ignoring me. However as the business goes I can keep us running for a while longer Brooke – but you know as well as I do that work needs to start on the Spring line, should have started in fact only we don't have any designs to work to. We both know what happened the last time I tried delegating to another designer so if you won't come and work properly please at least start designing." Brooke closed her eyes and sighed deeply. "Brooke if there are no designs then eventually we'll grind to a halt. I don't want you to wake up one day and wish the company were still there." Deep inside Brooke knew her mother had a strong point. The company had been her baby long before she'd had her actual babies. Before Julian in fact, and she did want it to survive.

"I know, I just feel inspired." Victoria sighed softly and beheld Brooke with an expression of sorrow and love.

"I understand why Brooke, and as your mother I want to say take all the time you need. As the woman running your company I have to say find inspiration because there are many vultures circling sweetheart."

* * *

**Haley**

Haley James Scott, soon to be simple Haley James once more cursed her own stupidity yet again. Her inspired idea to visit her brother and his family to allow Nathan the opportunity to experience Thanksgiving as they always had was genius, of course that was before Haley had arrived remembering just how pious and religious her brother's wife and subsequently her brother was. First she'd had to endure the obvious distaste Lucy held Nathan in for letting his pregnant wife drive across country. Of course Haley could have made Nathan's name better than mud if she'd told the truth. But bizarrely the prospect of spending several days with them after revealing not only was she divorcing, she was doing so because she was an adulteress who was pregnant with another man's child. It didn't seem like a great idea to share those facts.

The whole trip had been a ludicrous waste of time as far as she was concerned. Ten minutes into her visit and she vividly recalled exactly why she had little contact with them all. Sadly Haley remembered their children as two slightly precocious pre-teens. That had been when Jamie was just three years old. Fourteen years on Jemima was now twenty six, happily married with her second child on the way and George was twenty four engaged to be married to twee young girl called Alice. The one thing that bugged Haley most about her brother's family was that he seemed to have lost all connection with where he came from. Haley had found it difficult bringing up their various siblings, even their parents. She'd known almost instantly that Taylor would definitely be a no go. Haley guessed that was the problem with large families like hers, with such great age gaps Tom was closer in age to being a parent to Haley than a brother, and boy did it show. In many ways it felt like he was an entirely different generation to her. Most of Haley's family were a little bohemian in their ways given their parents and their upbringing. Tom's way of rebelling against parents like theirs had been to seek religion and structure in the way he had. Their way of life seemed almost archaic to Haley.

Thanksgiving had most definitely been a bust for her, and feigning a desire to be at home due to her advancing pregnancy she'd managed to successfully excuse herself from staying the prearranged length of stay by a day, so here she was Thanksgiving morning driving the long drive back home. One thing the trip there and the following one back were doing was giving her time to think. And the sad thing was it was giving her the opportunity to really see how badly she'd ruined her life. Sadly now it was too late she realised just how much she did love Nathan, and that she could have sacrificed another child if it meant being able to grow old with the man she loved. That ship had sailed now and was more than unlikely to return to shore.

But more than anything she saw just how unhealthy her current mindset was. Though she knew in her heart her marriage was over she was simply unable to plan the rest of her life, and realistically although her son was almost college age she did still have a long life ahead of her, she was still in her mid thirties, and she was about to have a baby. A baby that she shamefully admitted to herself had been seen as nothing other than a problem since she first knew of its existence. The fact was she herself had screwed things up and this baby wasn't to blame. She had to accept that. Josh had been the better parent up to now, he'd put his life and dreams on hold for the baby and she had done nothing but resent it. Truth was it was she that had created this child and she who decided against a termination, so she needed to stop resenting this baby for the breakdown of her marriage.

The first thing for Haley to do was to organise the room that would be the nursery. She was a little over seven months pregnant and she had bought not one single thing for this baby. She shuddered to think how unprepared she was by comparison of when she was pregnant with Jamie. So after Thanksgiving she planned to go on one big shopping spree and get everything her baby would need. Then she would make a proper plan of how Josh was going to fit into their lives. She was going to have to investigate childcare arrangements, she might even discuss with Peyton the possibility of having somewhere at Red Bedroom the baby could be while she wrote and recorded. Instantly she felt soothed, having made a plan for her future she felt suddenly more in control, something that had certainly be lacking of late. So maybe this wasn't perfect, it wasn't particularly what she wanted or what she'd planned but she was now determined to make the best of it. She wasn't about to lose her marriage for nothing. She was going to have a baby and that needed to be her focus now.

* * *

**Nathan**

He felt full to bursting just looking at the array of food on the table in front of him. Today had been a Thanksgiving much like any other, with the exception that Brooke and her family were here. And Haley wasn't. He'd tried not to focus on that fact but it was hard. He hated her and felt utterly betrayed by her. But the deep down truth was that despite everything he did love her, he suspected he always would. It was just a shame that unlike the movies true love did not conquer all. So he ignored the pain as he looked round his table as one by one they all declared what they were giving thanks for.

"I'm thankful for the fact I have an amazing friend in Brooke who by letting me take care of her has prevented me from wallowing in the mess of my life." Thankfully Brooke took his words in the spirit in which they were meant, her small smile and brief laugh enough for everyone else to laugh at his words.

"I'm thankful for having an ass like Nathan about to remind me that children are everything, especially when you have nothing." He grinned at her as she winked at him. If there was a script of how your life was meant to go he was almost certain his would have read for him to marry Brooke. She was absolutely his best friend and had been for a long time, unlike everyone else they knew they had inhabited the same world growing up and suffered the same parental problems. He was almost certain that back in high school Dan would have been much more thrilled by the prospect of him marrying Brooke Davis head cheerleader at sixteen than he had been by him marrying Haley James. But of course that was what happened in life, the people who on paper that seemed the right one for you weren't always the ones your heart chose. His heart had chosen Haley, sadly it seemed her heart had not been so steadfast in its decision.

His cell phone vibrating in his pocket disturbed him and he briefly looked down at it, unrecognised number. He debated whether or not to answer it and decided against it. It was a day for family and taking calls from unknown numbers was not what he felt like dealing with. He was still waiting for the press to get hold of the story with him and Haley. Thankfully for them his retirement and the fact they were in a small town had meant that their sordid private life was not yet public knowledge. Next to him Brooke's cell phone began to buzz on the table, without really meaning to the number caught his eye. The same number that had just called him. Before she could disconnect the call he motioned for her to answer.

"Brooke Baker." He watched her closely as she blinked in surprise and then wordlessly handed the phone to him.

"Nathan Scott." He listened as the voice on the other end outlined the facts to him, he felt sick to his stomach and was up before the other person disconnected.

"Dad you look like you've seen a ghost." Nathan turned to his son, his heart breaking for what he was about to say.

"That was the hospital, Jamie there's been an accident. It's your mom."


	16. Waiting

**Thank you to people who are still sticking with this one despite the poor updating!**

**Nathan**

Time seemed to move so slowly as he rushed out to Lucas' car. Thankful that at seventeen his son was able to drive them given the fact he'd been drinking. He wouldn't want Jamie to drive if he hadn't been because he can only imagine what his poor soon is going through. He vaguely heard Lucas saying he would go over to Nathan's and get his car and follow them to the hospital. Nathan was beyond tense and scenarios were running rampant through his head. The one prevailing thought he had was that things couldn't end the way they were. His wife couldn't die thinking that he had stopped loving her because he hadn't. He couldn't bear the thought that the last time they spoke he had been so hard on her.

"Dad, we're here." He glanced down and saw Jamie's hand on his arm. He blinked slowly before pulling the lever and opening the door. The soft splatters of rain landed on his forehead and he looked up to the heavens. "Come on dad." Jamie's voice was harsh and it gave Nathan the push he needed to snap from his daze and hurry towards the hospital entrance.

"I'm here for my wife. There's been an accident, you called." He wasn't sure he was making sense but the receptionist looked up at him anyway.

"Her name is Haley Scott." Nathan glanced across at his son and felt a rush of pride at how well he seemed to be handling the situation. Better even than he himself.

"Ah yes, if you just go and wait in the relative's room over there I'll page your wife's doctor and have him come down and speak with you." Dread settled like lead in his stomach and hollow eyed he followed his son to the relative's room. They had barely had chance to sit down before the door opened. A man extended his hand for Nathan to shake, yet he sat bewildered at the turn the day had taken, instead Jamie stood and leant across his father to shake the man's hand.

"Hello I'm Doctor Green."

"I'm Jamie Scott, this is my father Nathan." Nathan blinked up at the mention of his name and tried to focus on the doctor in front of him, he slowly rose to stand beside his son.

"I'm Haley's doctor. Haley has suffered a myriad of injuries, sadly at this stage we're limited on how we can treat her. This is very dangerous given her injuries."

"Because of the baby?" Nathan looked at his son and briefly wondered how he'd become such a man without Nathan realising.

"Yes because of her pregnancy. I'm sorry if I appear blunt with you both now but I really do feel it's best that I make you completely aware of the situation. Haley is now 27 weeks pregnant. If we were to deliver the baby at this stage there's around about an 80% survival rate for babies that premature, and though there is a likelihood of health problems, the chance of long term health problems is just 25%. I'm sorry to have to say this but in my professional opinion if we don't deliver the baby in order to treat Haley there's a strong possibility that neither will survive. If we do deliver the baby there is a good chance we can save them both." Stunned Nathan sat back in the chair.

"What are you waiting for?"

"We need your father to sign off on allowing us to perform a caesarean section." Nathan felt all eyes upon him then. Both wanting an answer, Jamie assuming that he'd instantly say yes.

"What are Haley's chances if you don't deliver the baby?"

"There's a small chance Haley could pull through long enough to regain consciousness so you can make a decision together. But it's unlikely Mr Scott."

"I need to think." Nathan wasn't sure he was the one qualified to make such a decision. If Haley pulled through and the baby didn't she'd blame him, whether or not he agreed to the early delivery.

"Of course Mr Scott, but time really isn't on Haley's side." The doctor excused himself and left the room, leaving Nathan facing his furious son.

"She might die if the baby isn't delivered what exactly do you need to think about!" It was a demand and not a question and before Nathan could respond the door was open and Brooke and Lucas came rushing in. "He's sentencing her to death because she cheated on him." If Nathan hadn't been so hurt by the accusation then he might be glad Jamie was finally acting like the boy he still was.

"J-Luke I'm sure that's not what's happening." Lucas laid a hand on Jamie's arm while his eyes sought Nathan's for confirmation.

"The doctor said that they can't treat her properly because of the baby so they need my permission as Haley's next of kin to perform a c-section. But the baby is so young, if Haley wakes up and I've done this she'll think I only did it because of...everything." Before any of the people in the room could reassure Nathan that it wasn't the case another person entered.

"What the hell right have you got to decide what happens to my child?" Nathan felt his blood boil at the sight of the young man staring angrily his way.

"Because I'm Haley's husband."

"You're getting divorced and that's my baby I think that's more important."

"Not in the eyes of the law." It was clear the younger man couldn't offer an argument against that, but it was equally clear that he was seething with anger.

"You'll just give the okay for delivery despite what it might mean for my baby because you hate my child and me." Brooke stepped closer to the younger man and Nathan watching her intrigued.

"Hang on a second, first off junior this is a relative's room and as I see it you have no place here because we are Haley's family and you are not. Second how the hell do you even know what's going on? And third divorce and stupid drunken one night stand or not there will never be two people who love each other more than Nathan and Haley love each other. Haley wouldn't want you here and she sure as hell wouldn't want you making decision about her life. She'd want Nathan to do it, and if not Nathan then any one of us. But make no mistake you would be last on the list. And Nathan won't make a decision about this lightly, or with malice. But bare this in mind if Haley isn't treated and she dies because that baby isn't delivered then the baby dies with her anyway, at least with the other alternative they both have a fighting chance. So if you want to stay here and find out what's happening I suggest you shut the hell up, sit down and mind your own!" If it wasn't for the terrible situation Nathan would have laughed. Clearly the kid wasn't prepared for a verbal onslaught from Brooke Davis, and in truth no one wanted an ear bashing for the feisty brunette. Nathan watched as the kid meekly slid into a seat near the door and averted his gaze from the group.

"Brooke's right Nate, separately they both have a fighting chance even if it doesn't end well it's the best shot they have. Haley will understand that you only did what was for the best, and all of us are backing you up on your decision. It's the only choice and you know it." Nathan nodded his thanks at his brother, they were both right. There was only one choice and he was the one who had to make it.

"I better go find that doctor." Nathan closed his eyes briefly and summoned his strength to walk out the room in search of the man who would hopefully save his wife's life. And like he had on a flight to LA after Julian's death he had another moment of clarity about his marriage, once more he considered not having Haley in his life and he knew it wasn't an option. He wasn't sure whether he'd ever forget what had happened but he knew he was partially to blame for the state their marriage was in when it happened. And the fact was he loved his wife, loved her enough to try and make their marriage work – so long as she survived. He knew it would be hard, for one thing he'd have to suffer having that little punk in his life forever and he'd be raising another man's child in his home. He didn't know if he was strong enough to cope with that but he realised he loved Haley enough to try.

If he didn't marshal his thoughts they went unbidden to the last time he was here in such a situation. His pregnant wife and her baby's lives in danger because of a car. He felt as responsible this time as he did the last. If he'd have only realised before that he loved her enough to try and get past her mistake then she would have been spending Thanksgiving at Lucas' house just like every other year. Instead because of him she'd gone to stay with her brother. He felt as helpless now as he did the last time he'd been here. Despite their early bad luck it had been many years since any of his loved ones had required a visit to this hospital. Even Jamie had suffered none of the usual childhood bumps and breaks.

"Mr Scott?" A voice broke him from his thoughts and he saw the very doctor he was looking for stood in front of him.

"Oh hi, please make sure they're both okay. If the best chance they both have is apart then just do it. Just make them both okay." A sympathetic smile met him from the elder man.

"We'll do our very best for your wife and your daughter Mr Scott." A nod and the man was off. Daughter. Only Nathan Scott didn't have a daughter, it was another man's daughter. He tried to push that thought from his head because he knew if there was any hope of rebuilding his marriage he would need to see the baby as Haley's daughter and nothing more. He trudged slowly back to the waiting room, the last person he wanted to see was the fool who gotten his wife pregnant. He wondered how on earth he'd known to come here, and for minute wondered whether his number was in fact on Haley's information. That somehow hurt more than knowing she'd slept with him. It was much more intimate in many ways. It implied a deeper relationship than a drunken one night stand that Haley insisted she regretted.

Before Nathan even realised what he was doing he found Lucas and Jamie pulled him back from where he had Josh pinned to a wall, a hand around his throat. Nathan let his arm drop and yet kept the murderous look at the younger man.

"How did you know to come here?" He watched as the younger man rubbed a hand round his neck and threw an equally mutinous stare his way.

"A friend was a few cars behind the crash, he called me." Relief sagging through Nathan's bones as he was once more able to believe that Haley wouldn't want this boy here, that he was a mistake.

"I don't see why that matters, this is the relative's room and you're not one of us." Nathan regretted his outburst as he heard the poisonous tone of his son's voice as he sneered at the man just a few years older than him.

"Hate to break it to you but I am family, in fact I'm more family to the baby than your dad is, whatever the law says and as soon as the baby is born I'll be demanding he or she is recognised as mine, then I'll be the one keeping you all away." Jamie snorted.

"Whatever dude, I'm still the big brother no matter what you say or do. And until my mom says otherwise there is nothing you can do about the fact that where they're both concerned what my dad says goes. If we want you gone you will be." Nathan placed a soft hand on his son's shoulder as the boy leaned aggressively towards Josh.

"He's not worth it Jamie, we just need to focus on your mom – and your baby sister." Nathan knew it was a low blow to reveal he knew the sex of the baby while Josh the father didn't but he couldn't stop himself. Something about the attitude of the younger man brought out the jealous, petty child in him. It wasn't something he was proud of but he couldn't stop himself. Nathan felt four pairs of eyes stare at him incredulously.

"You know the sex of the baby Nate?" Brooke's soft voice was the one to voice the thought the others all had.

"Yeah I do." He knew they'd probe him as to how he knew which would lessen the blow he'd struck to Josh, he accepted that but the satisfaction of seeing the look on his face wouldn't be erased.

"Did mom tell you?" Nathan shook his head.

"No Jamie, the doctor just promised he'd do his best for my wife and daughter." Nathan regretted the way he repeated the exact words as soon as he said them knowing they'd be incendiary to Josh. "He just assumed and I was too stunned to comment."

"I'm having a daughter. She's MY daughter." Nathan's eyes flicked over to the younger man and it took everything he had not to taunt him. Instead he replied evenly.

"Yes it's a baby girl, and we need to focus on hoping and praying that she and her mother are going to be okay. So if you want to stay then you sit down, you shut up and you don't even look at us. In return we'll do the same." Nathan saw the anger roaring in Josh's eyes but despite that the young man merely nodded and dropped back into a chair. Nathan took the chair furthest away from the other man and Brooke came to sit beside him, placing on hand over his that gripped the armrest. Lucas shepherded Jamie to sit with them and the boy eventually allowed himself to be led by his uncle. Nathan focussed solely on keeping himself stony faced and not allowing himself to break down with his fear, Jamie needed his family to be strong, no one more so than Nathan himself and despite the way he'd failed him when they first arrived here Nathan was determined not to do so again. Nathan needed to be strong for Jamie and where Josh was concerned he needed to show Jamie the way to behave.

"Hales is one of the strongest people we know, she'll be fine." Nathan glanced up to his brother and gave him a grateful smile. Even if Lucas' words did little to soothe him he appreciated his effort and the fact that Jamie may well be able to hold onto them. Nathan couldn't stop himself thinking of the opposite however, he was tormented by the thought that Haley might not make it and he would be left with the knowledge that she died not knowing that he still loved her, he would always love her. He stood and looked out the window, the day outside appeared a perfect November day, the sun shone making the day seem warmer and brighter than Nathan knew it was. Looking outside that window it didn't appear that today could be such a terrible day. He leant his forehead against the cold glass and tried to stop tears building in his eyes. When all was said and done he had been in love with Haley since he was sixteen. They'd been married for just short of twenty years now and he'd been a fool to think that he was able to live without her. He knew having Brooke around with her children and her heartache had been a distraction, it had kept him from seeing just how badly he missed Haley, how tormented he was by the thought that soon they would be connected just through Jamie.

* * *

**Peyton**

She glanced down at her watch as she hurried from her car to the hospital entrance, it was almost five hours since Lucas had left a message on her cell phone about Haley's accident. It had been just thirty minutes since she'd actually heard the message. The sight that met her just outside the hospital doors made her stomach drop. Fear doubled inside of her making her sick to her stomach.

"Am I too late?" Her voice sounded shaky and foreign to her. The brunette pulled her head from her hands and looked at Peyton. When she looked up Peyton could see she'd obviously been crying.

"She's still in surgery. There was a delay because they needed her next of kin's permission to deliver the baby otherwise they wouldn't have been able to treat her." Peyton's eyes widened in surprise. The baby seemed so young to be born, Peyton's calculation had Haley at just around 28 weeks.

"How's the baby?"

"She's as well as can be expected. She's in the NICU. We don't know too much right now." Peyton licked her lips in an effort to moisten them, but the wetness was soaked in immediately and left her dry mouthed once more.

"I was at the studio, I only just got the message or I would have been here sooner." Brooke shrugged.

"There's nothing you could have done if you'd been here sooner anyway. Apart from break up the fights." Peyton raised an eyebrow. "Josh found out, he's here and not happy." Peyton sighed deeply, feeling once more that she should have been here. She was the only one of the group who knew Josh. To everyone else here he was the guy who destroyed Nathan and Haley's marriage. But Peyton knew him beyond that, knew he was just a kid. While she wasn't happy about his involvement in the demise of Nathan and Haley's marriage she also knew he was trying his best to deal with his impending fatherhood, and that deep down he was excited about it. Peyton recognised that he had every right to be here, it was his child whether everyone else wanted to acknowledge it right now or not. But she also knew that Josh could antagonise pretty much anyone he met and with feelings and tensions already high she knew he would be mainly deserving of the treatment he received. Not that he'd acknowledge that.

"Nathan hasn't hit him has he?" Brooke smiled slightly and shook her head.

"Be more concerned about what Jamie is doing. Josh is pissed because everything to do with the baby is Nathan's call. Legally until the baby is registered and Haley acknowledges Josh as the father Nathan is next of kin and legal guardian because he's Haley's next and of kin. Nathan flipped at first but since then he cooled off. Jamie keeps making remarks and jibs and Josh rises to every single one." Peyton sighed and sat down next to the brunette.

"I guess it's not surprising that they're being like that with each other. They're not so distant in age, Josh is barely more than a teenager himself." Peyton didn't question how she and Brooke were so easily able to fall into a rhythm they'd left years ago. With Haley's life in danger it seemed almost natural to be as they used to. She took a deep breath part of her knowing she was not the person to ask the question and yet she was the only one around to do it. "How are you holding up?" Now Peyton knew the situation with Haley was still up in the air she recognised that Brooke must have been out here crying for another reason. She herself could remember just how hard she find life after her mother died, and how she'd avoided the hospital when the next person she cared for had been in there just because it was traumatic for her and brought back so many feelings and memories she couldn't handle. She recognised herself in Brooke right now. A wary gaze met her own as Brooke looked at her. Peyton figured now would be the time Brooke would tell her to go to hell and disappear back to the others because Peyton had deserted her and cut all ties and she was no longer in a position to be the one Brooke talked to. But Brooke had always had a much bigger heart than Peyton herself had.

"You know what it's like." Peyton nodded her head because while she couldn't imagine how hard it would be for the person you were in love with to die she knew what it was like to be deep in grief and yet have to cope with the rest of life, including the bad times like this.

"For what it's worth this late I'm sorry Brooke. Sorry that he died and sorry I wasn't there. You're right I know, knew it then too that if it were the other way round you'd have been there." And she meant it. Brooke had always been the better friend Peyton knew that. Peyton knew she had manipulated Brooke's love for her in the past to get what she wanted – namely Lucas. And it was her shame that kept her from attending Julian's funeral when she knew she should have been there.

"I don't think any of it matters right now Peyton." Yet again Brooke was right. Peyton felt the urge to apologise for all her years worth of mistakes where Brooke was concerned. In a lot of ways Peyton knew this wasn't the right time, but she also wondered whether there ever would be a right time, or even another time. It had taken Haley being in a life or death situation for them to even be in the same place despite Brooke being in Tree Hill for months. And the situation seemed to be the reason Peyton was acknowledging the squirming feelings in her gut every time she thought of Brooke. But she had to say something.

"Brooke I don't know if I'll ever get the chance to say this again, or the nerve but I was wrong blaming you for what happened back then and I've been wrong ever since. I think deep down I always knew that but you know me, I play the victim it's who I am but it's not who I want to be." She felt awkward after she spoke while Brooke stared at her. Peyton used to know exactly what was going through the brunette's mind and yet she had no clue anymore what the other woman was thinking.

"Before they came and told me about the accident I was laid in bed thinking about you. About our girls and how we always planned they'd grow up together and be best friends. I called Julian and left him a message telling him I wanted to come visit Tree Hill and see if something could be salvaged. I spent ten years missing my best friend. I don't miss her anymore, because the crazy thing is my best friend is in surgery right now and she's been my best friend for longer than ten years. She's been my best friend since we shared an apartment in senior year because unlike you she's always been there and she's betrayed me. I can't think about you right now because I'm thinking about her." Peyton knew Brooke wasn't saying it to be cruel, it was just the truth. Since the first time she had betrayed Brooke by going after Lucas in junior year their friendship had changed, and after the second time although they'd not been able to cut their ties with one another for long nothing could go back, not ever.

"When she's better, because I know she will get through this, she's Haley James Scott and there's no other option for her, then it's your choice whether things stay the way they have for the past months you've been here and I'll just follow your lead because it's what you deserve. But while she's like this I will listen if you need me to, I'm probably the last person on the list but just in case." Brooke rubbed a hand over her face and stood.

"We better go back inside, Luke's probably tearing his hair out refereeing." Brooke offered her a small smile and Peyton stood too. Peyton had a lot to do to ease her guilt and rebuild her friendship, but she knew Brooke would give her the chance. Brooke was too forgiving for her own good most of the time and selfishly Peyton knew that her nature often worked in Peyton's favour. She followed the brunette inside, as they stepped out of the elevator Peyton could hear familiar raised voices as they approached a relative's room and Brooke turned to her with an 'don't say I didn't warn you look.' Peyton steeled herself for the drama of what was happening in that room. Brooke pushed the door open and there stood two of the three Scott men in a heated argument with Josh, the other Scott trying to get between them all.

"What the hell do you think is going on here?" Peyton's loud and angry voice surprised even her as everyone turned to look at her. Within seconds of one another the three starting trying to defend their position and Brooke whistled loudly to stop the noise. "Nate you go."

"The doctor just came through to let me know that family can now go and see the baby." Peyton knew before Nathan went any further what the problem was. Technically, legally right now Nathan was family while Josh was not. The only person who could give Josh that right was Haley, because even a DNA test would not be allowed unless Haley agreed to it, or her next of kin. Which Peyton knew Nathan wouldn't do because to him it would be admitting that Haley would not pull through and be able to do it herself. Peyton sighed and turned to the younger boy.

"Jamie what are shouting about?"

"Aunt Peyton this guy has been an ass since the second he walked through the door. First off he went off on my dad for giving permission for the c-section because there was a risk to the baby of early delivery. Forget the fact that without treatment my mom could die. Second of all he has no damn right to be here, this is for family and he isn't it. And third he's now doing one because I want to see my sister and the doctors and dad say I can." Peyton nodded. She understood how difficult this situation was, she really did. But that wasn't to say the Scotts en masse weren't intimidating and sometimes wrong.

"Josh?"

"I want the best for my daughter. Of course I want Haley to be okay. But she's my daughter not his and it pisses me off that he holds all the cards."

"First off this is a hospital and I don't a shit about your issues respect the fact there are in this place that need rest and recuperation, people come here to heal and there are people in this place going through the same torment of having seriously ill loved ones that you are, or even god forbid that someone they love has just died. I don't want to hear another raised voice it is disrespectful to what this hospital is here for, to the staff who have to hear you and mostly to Haley. We are here because we love her and we are worried about her, I don't care about some stuff macho pissing contest where Josh needs to dump on you guys because Haley slept with him or where you two get your own back because legally you hold all the cards. What's going to happen now is that Jamie is going to see his baby sister." Josh opened his mouth to object and Peyton held a hand in front of his face. "Nathan you're going to see the doctor and you're going to explain that while you accept legal responsibility until Haley states otherwise Josh is that baby girl's father and you are giving him the permission needed to go and see her. Then when that is done and Jamie has the time he wishes with his sister he will come back down here, Josh will go and see his daughter and the rest of us will wait here for good news about Haley and we will wish and hope and pray that they will both be okay. Am I clear? Either of you guys want to add something?" Peyton switched her gaze from her ex-husband to her former best friend. Brooke shook her head.

"For what it's worth I think Peyton is entirely right. The focus needs to be Haley and the baby. All the other drama needs to forgotten for now." Peyton almost laughed at the absurdity of the day. First she and Brooke talk like they were almost friends and now she and Lucas agree on something. If miracles happen, which she was sure given the day they did, then Haley should surely get one too.

* * *

Peyton rubbed a tired hand across her face as she waited for the coffee to come from the vending machine. She knew before she tasted it that it would taste awful but volunteering to go on a coffee run was just about the only thing she could think to do. Brooke had told her that Haley had been in surgery for over an hour when she arrived, it had been a further hour and half since she had. The waiting was torturous but the one good thing was that Josh was now firmly ensconced up in NICU with the baby, thus relieving a small amount of tension from the room. She took the coffee from the machine and balanced it in her hands with the others.

"Need some help there?" A male voice asked and took two of the coffees from her. She smiled gratefully before slipping some more coins into the machine and they stood side by side waiting for the fifth coffee.

"Thanks Luke, obviously I never waitressed before as I've no idea how I would have managed those."

"No problem. I just finished on the phone with my mom. She said Sawyer's staying at Nate's tonight. She went back there with Brooke's children this afternoon to hang out. Lily wants to come and wait here, I think she wants to be here for Jamie's sake." In a lot of ways it didn't seem odd having such a normal conversation with him.

"Well that's hardly surprising. They're thick as thieves the minute she gets to town usually."

"I figured Jamie could do with someone his own age so she's on her way. You'll hardly recognise her."

"How so?" The last coffee was removed and they began to walk back to the room.

"She's a girl Peyton, a really beautiful girl. I swear if this is how I feel about Lily when I think about boys then god knows how I'll be with Sawyer." Peyton didn't think it was right to point out that Sawyer wouldn't be around at Lily's age. That they'd be moving away well before that point.

"That's what being a big brother and dad is all about." Lucas chuckled. As they went back into the relative's room Peyton watched Lucas make a beeline to Brooke with the spare coffee he held leaving her to go to Nathan and Jamie. It was the first time she'd seen the pair interact in years and she was surprised to find a thud of jealousy in her heart still. Her fractious relationship with Lucas was in part her own fault and her relationship with Brooke was entirely her own fault. The two seemed so comfortable with one another yet from what Peyton knew Brooke spent most of her time with her children or with Nathan. Somehow watched them together reminded her of the end of junior year. After the first drama filled triangle between them when love was blossoming from Lucas and Brooke's friendship. She overheard Lucas' voice mention something about Victoria, children and Nathan's house and insisted to herself that she was reading too much into the situation, that worry and tiredness was addling her brain and that Lucas was merely informing Brooke that Victoria had her children back at Nathan's – with Sawyer.

A soft knock on the door had all their hearts rushing to their mouths, it was almost anticlimactic when the door opened and Mark's face appeared. While no one else commented on his arrival Peyton knew he wasn't here for support. She knew that as surely as she knew her name because if he had been he wouldn't be wearing his badge. She went over to him and pulled him aside.

"You have details about the accident?" Mark nodded.

"Before that Peyton are you okay? It's got to be hard enough without being here with Lucas and Brooke." Peyton loved him for his concern.

"We're getting on surprisingly well, the same can't be said for Josh, Nate and Jamie." His mouth formed into a wry grin.

"Hardly surprising. The doctor told me they had to deliver the baby. Baby girl Scott so they tell me is doing pretty good all things considered."

"Ah yes, Scott. Bone of contention right now." Mark rubbed a hand up and down her arm and she leant against his broad chest, allowing his presence to comfort her. She pulled away after just a few minutes knowing that he was here primarily for duty. It wasn't how she wanted him here but she did understand that sometimes he had a job to do first. "You better do your job." Mark nodded and she followed him as he went to sit with Nathan.

"I'm really sorry Nathan. I know this isn't really the time but we've investigated the accident." Peyton watched as Nathan's gaze assessed her fiancé's face.

"Please tell me it wasn't her."

"The signal was faulty, both drivers had green lights Nate. It was mechanical failure not human fault." Peyton watched Nathan process the fact. Peyton had always blamed herself for her mother's death. Her mother was rushing to collect her and had run a red light. Nathan might not have said it but he was blaming himself for Haley's situation, she doubted knowing there was no blame to be apportioned to a person would take away all traces of guilt but she hoped it would help. "It's just unfortunate that Haley reached the intersection seconds before the other car, meaning the SUV hit Haley rather than the other way round." Haley's car would have caused infinitely less damage hitting an SUV than an SUV would hitting her car. If only it had been the other way round.

"The other driver?" Mark sighed deeply.

"Just a poor kid, only just got his license was driving his mom's car with her. They're both going to be fine few cuts and bruises but nothing too serious. He's more concerned with Haley than anything. He feels terrible, I wouldn't be surprised if the kid never gets behind a wheel again."

"There's nothing he could have done, I mean experience means nothing when something like that happens. Just make sure he knows that we know that." Mark nodded and stood, shaking Nathan's hand.

"I'll be back as soon as I finish up the paperwork."

"Thank you." He kissed her cheek and then left. Peyton went back to sitting beside Nathan. She slipped her hand into his and squeezed. She wished there were words that could help him. But right now she could just wait beside him. It was the only thing any of them could do.


	17. Naley

**I know this is a short chapter and there's no mention of anything Brucas but progression will be made in the next chapter with them, for now it's Naley.**

**Haley**

Her eyes flutter a little but the barest hint of light and she lets them fall shut once more. She has the feeling someone is near her but can't think who. She also has the feeling that something is wrong. Semi-conscious her hand moves to her stomach and she realises why everything feels wrong.

"Baby." She feels groggy and she can't open her mouth properly, she can't figure out whether this is real or not but she knows her stomach should be swollen and extended but it isn't.

"Hales?" The sound of his voice lulls her and she settles back in her rest because everything must be just fine if he is next to her, if he is holding her hand and whispering her name then everything has to be fine. The tugging on her hand is insistent and she almost wants to fight her way out of the fog because she's fighting to go back to him, but something holds her back and she can't explain why.

* * *

She feels a shooting pain flying from temple to temple and she shifts her body in an attempt to find a position which lessens the pain. Her lips feel cracked and sore and it is beyond painful to open her mouth but she does so anyway because she wants to know if she was dreaming when she thought he was with her. But more importantly she wants to know why she can't feel her baby moving because now she is certain something is wrong.

"My baby." Part of her brain questions if that was really her saying those words. She thinks it must be because her mouth opened and formed syllables that her brain was telling her to say and yet the sound was so foreign she wonders if maybe someone else spoke first.

"Haley?" Again the first sound that greets her ears is his voice and again she thinks she must be dreaming because it sounds like him, and ever better it sounds like he's hers again. She lets her eyes close once more because if he sounds like he's hers again then this must be a dream and she thinks it's far better to dream right now than to wake up.

* * *

Her eyes open and close again the second the light hits them. It feels like she's done this before and yet she can't quite say whether she has or hasn't or even what this is. She's still confused and she thinks that maybe she's awake now because as her eyes adjust to the bright light she can't quite make out anyone near her so she must be awake now but it doesn't feel like she's been properly asleep. She tries hard to focus and in doing so she hears a hushed voice that sounds distinctly familiar and she knows she has known the owner of the voice for more years than she can remember. She can't hear exactly what the voice is saying but it trails off and merges with another familiar voice and this one makes her heart leap and she thinks she's dreaming again but this time she doesn't want to sleep because she actually wants to see him and see him smile at her because he's hers again even if it is only a dream.

It's a struggle but she makes her mouth open and she's almost sure she says his name but then she thinks that maybe she didn't because nothing changes. She thinks that maybe she can't speak because her mouth has become so dry it seems impossible to lift her dry tongue away from the bottom of her mouth but she feels a bit more aware than she has done it what seems like forever and she wants to see him smile so she forces herself to try once more only the word that comes out isn't the one she was trying to say.

"Water." This time when she says it she hears movement from where the voices were coming from. She hears a door close and then he's next to her and he's smiling down at her and his eyes seem so soft and full of love that it makes her cry. He places a hand under her neck and forces her head up while simultaneously dripping water from a cup he's got in his hand into her dry mouth. When he lets go her head flops back onto the pillow and she's completely exhausted but that's okay because her mouth isn't as dry and she's seen him smile at her so now she thinks it's okay to go back to her dream so she closes her eyes again.

* * *

She squeezes her eyes tightly together in the hope that it will lessen the pain in her head but it doesn't. She can't think what on earth she has been doing to herself that has her in such pain because although the pain is mostly in her head she can feel pain in other parts of her body. She smiles softly as she remembers dreaming of him smiling at her and she thinks it's sad that a dream is all she has left of him but then she remembers that while she doesn't have him she does have another person that she wants and while it's not the same, never can be the same she is learning to be happy and to force herself to forget the dream she can no longer have as her reality she moves her hands to feel her baby growing inside of her.

She stops squeezing her eyes closed and lets them fly open when she realises that her body is no longer swollen, it no longer houses her baby and then she remembers her dream in which the same thing had happened only Nathan was by her side. She turns her head sharply to the side and thinks she must still be dreaming because Nathan is sprawled in the chair next to her fast asleep.

She forces herself to try and remember what is going on but she can't. She wants to yell at him to wake to get answers to her questions but the fear of what those answers will be prevent her from doing just that. Instead she looks around her trying to figure out where she could possibly be that he would be next to her. It doesn't take a genius to work out that she's in hospital. Aside from the wires coming from her body and the machines surrounding her the smell is a dead giveaway as is the unattractive gown she's wearing. She reaches a hand up gingerly to touch her head where it hurts too much and finds a bandage wrapped around it. She hadn't realised until she moved her hand that his was on hers but the movement causes him to jolt and suddenly he is looking right at her and she is looking right at him and she thinks that maybe she's still dreaming because he is still looking at her like he loves her and then he slowly smiles at her.

"You're awake, for real this time." She wonders what he could mean when he says for real this time and then she thinks that maybe when she fluttered her eyes and heard voices before then maybe she wasn't dreaming and that was all real and that he must mean that when he speaks to her.

"What happened?" He pushes a hand through his hair and she almost grins at the familiar gesture.

"There was a faulty light at a junction and you were in a car accident." She nods even though it hurts and she can't really remember it.

"Why are you here?" He briefly looks hurt but recovers well.

"They needed my signature on a lot of papers and things. Haley before they could treat you they needed my consent for an emergency c-section. Without treatment you might have died, I hope you can understand that I did what I thought was best." She prepares herself for the worst then because she knows something has to be wrong she knows she can't have him and a baby so if he's here then her baby must be gone. "The baby was a girl, she weighed two pounds and three ounces. She's in the neonatal intensive care unit." She felt like she could breathe again hearing him say her baby, her baby girl was alive. "Hales she's got respiratory distress syndrome, which means she's not breathing properly. The doctors are giving her some drug that helps her, she is also being given continuous positive airway pressure. The doctor said it was really common in babies born as early as she was, but that she's still doing pretty good considering and she didn't have a severe case of the distress syndrome because they didn't need to put her on a ventilator." Her head was spinning as she became more aware of what exactly was happening to her baby.

"I want to see her."

"Luke just went to find a doctor now you're awake, but I'll take you up there myself as soon as he says you can go." She feels like he's holding something back from her so she attempts her best stare and asks him what he's hiding. "Josh is with her." Surprised doesn't quite cover it, she's not sure what's more surprising that Josh was told or that Nathan is still here. "He's pretty pissed that I've been the one calling the shots and that the doctors have needed to consult me about everything, that he even needed my permission to go see her." She almost wants to laugh because she knows Nathan well enough to know he's been flaunting that information in the younger man's face. But she doesn't blame him because she knows it must have been a terrible situation to be faced with, being responsible for the baby who ended your marriage.

"I'm glad it was you taking care of both of us." She's tired again and she feels like her eyes are heavy and closing and so she thinks she must imagine feeling him press his lips to her forehead and she knows she must be imagining hearing him whisper.

"I'll always take care of you both."

* * *

Her eyes open again and she think she sees him in the chair next to her bed again but as her vision clears she smiles as she realises that actually her baby boy is sat next to her.

"You look terrible, hasn't anyone fed you while I've been in here?" She hears his soft chuckle and feels him grip her hand tightly.

"No one takes care of me like you do, it's why you can't go anywhere." She smiles and brings his hand to her lips.

"I'm not planning on leaving you anytime soon."

"You really scared me this time mom." His voice is barely a whisper and she feels such terrible guilt even though it wasn't her fault.

"I won't do it again. I promise." She senses the smile on his face and feels like he knows that you cannot control such things or stick to such promises.

"You know he never said but I think you got his hopes up quite a few times. Uncle Luke confessed to me that you woke up a few times but always slipped back off more or less straight away leaving dad disappointed." She doesn't quite know how to process Nathan's presence in her hospital room and she tries to forget the words she thought he said as she slipped back to unconsciousness the last time.

"Has he gone home now?" Jamie chuckles deeply.

"Don't be crazy he's not been home in five days mom. He's hardly likely to leave now you're finally waking up properly is he? The doctor needed to see him about baby girl Scott." If she had the energy she'd laugh at the name given to her daughter simply because she had no name. She could imagine that neither Nathan nor Josh was happy about her receiving the name Scott.

"Have you seen her?"

"I see her every day, I keep going to see her when I'm not here with you. And when he's not there." She doesn't need to ask who 'he' is given the strong sense of resentment in Jamie's voice. She wants to tell him he's being unfair but she doesn't imagine it will do much good and she doesn't really want to ruin being awake and speaking with her son.

"What's she like?" She notices the grimace on his face and wonders what it might mean.

"I thought babies were meant to be all fat and cute and she's sure not that. She sleeps mostly so there's not much to say. I figure that by the time she gets to when she was meant to be born she'll be real pretty – just like you mom." She laughs at her son's words because she knows they will be the truth, she will look at her daughter and think she is beautiful and perfect but those may not be the entirely truthful facts.

"She needs a name, any ideas?"

"I like Alice, what do you like mom?"

"I like Alice honey, Alice Elizabeth Penelope James."

"Davis is sure going to love you for getting Penelope in there." She turns her head to the door at the sound of his voice. She marvels at how he sounds exactly like he did years ago and like all the pain and drama between them is gone. "You mind if I make a suggestion or have you got your heart set on that name?" She smiles because she wants his input more than anything, this moment in her mind should have been theirs and she knows she is the one that destroyed the chance of that but she still wants to pretend for a minute if she can.

"All suggestions are welcome."

"Well given how adorable baby girl Scott was I figure maybe her name should be something along the lines of Alice Elizabeth Penelope Scott." No words are uttered by either Haley or Jamie after that because neither honestly has a clue what to say or what Nathan means when he suggests giving Haley's baby his name, she forces herself up to look at him properly and he smiles at her melting her heart. "I'd just like it if we were all Scotts still." And she knows that his words really have nothing to do with a name anymore.


	18. The Next Phase

**Thanks to everyone still reading this and to those that review. Originally this was going to be one long chapter but I've split it into two now with Brooke's POV first and then Lucas' next chapter.**

**Brooke**

She stares at her reflection in the bathroom mirror and wonders how the hell she allowed her mother to talk her into this. She looks more gaunt than she has done in months and though it would be easy to blame the last few weeks since Haley's accident she knows deep down the truth is that she is struggling to cope with what she has to do now. She yanks her hair back into a ponytail and ties it off with the rubber band from round her wrist just in time to hear the knock on the door that adjoins her room to the one next door. She tears herself from her reflection because the truth is she knows opening the door is the start of this day and that's not what she wants. She twists the lock open and pulls the door towards her. She gives a small smile in greeting to the man on the other side.

"Hey, you ready?" She knows he didn't mean it as a loaded question but to her it is. Is she physically ready in the sense of having gotten herself dressed? Yes she is. Is she ready to go and do what she came here to do? Not at all. "Brooke I know this is going to be hard for you, but you said yourself it's pointless leaving it here forever." Yes she'd said it, parrot style she'd repeated her mother's arguments in favour of her doing this and yes deep down she knew her mother was right, it was the reason she was here. But that didn't mean she was really ready to do this. While her relationship with her mother was greatly improved from her childhood Victoria's approach to things was still rather brusque, so it was probably a good thing she was staying in Tree Hill to take care of the children while Brooke was in L.A.

Her mother had stayed in Tree Hill until Haley had woken up, Brooke wondered if it would have been better if she hadn't, at least then she wouldn't be here. Victoria was smart Brooke had to give her credit for that. First of all she'd brought up that perhaps Haley would be moving back with the baby and if Brooke was absolutely sure she was going to be staying in Tree Hill it might be wise to find somewhere more permanent, give the children a proper home. Brooke agreed wholeheartedly with that statement. What she hadn't been expecting was what Victoria said next. If she really was staying in Tree Hill then it was time to do something about the house. She'd been stunned when Victoria had first broached the subject of selling, but one thing Victoria did know now was her daughter, and she knew there was no way Brooke would be able to go back to that house and live in it without Julian.

With Victoria looking after the children and Nathan looking after Haley there was only one person Brooke could turn to for help with clearing what had once been her home. And that was Lucas. He'd driven them both to L.A. the previous night but Brooke had insisted that despite having a perfectly nice house that they stay in a hotel. She couldn't face sleeping in her bed, their bed. There had been hundreds of times she'd slept in that bed without Julian, but it was different now. Before he'd always been coming back, now he never was.

"I don't really have a choice do I? Victoria has already got the place on the market so it has to be done."

"Of course you do, it's your house and if you want to leave it a little longer before you make your decision then that's okay. Don't let her bully you."

"She's not." It was strange forging a new friendship with Lucas. For a time he'd been one of the most important people in her world, and when he'd been one of those people her life had been so different. Sometimes it seemed he still thought of her relationship with her mother as the one she'd had back then. But an awful lot had changed. "She's just doing what's best for us. She's making me face the truth. I can't keep this place untouched since he left forever. It won't alter anything. She wants us in New York near her but she's accepted my decision to stay in Tree Hill. And she's right if we are staying for an indefinite period of time then I do need to find a home, if not for me then for the children. They need their own things again and their own rooms. They need me to make life normal again for them." She didn't say that for her things would never be normal again. She could do her best to create a normal home life for the children but for her she would spend the rest of her days living like half of her was missing. But then again that would be her normal. Everything became normal eventually even if others thought it abnormal.

"I understand that, but I just want you to do this when you're ready."

"I'll never be ready Luke. I'll never be ready to let him go. But this I have to do ready or not because my kids need a kind of normal. It's been almost six months that we've been camping at Nathan and Haley's. We're still living out of suitcases, it's no way for them to live."

"So long as you're sure." She nodded and stepped through the door into his room.

"Let's go." She was surprised when he took her hand but she didn't move away. Instead she gripped on for dear life praying he would be able to lend her the strength she'd need for the task ahead. She started to direct him to her house but he told her he remembered from the last time. She could barely remember him being there, barely remember anything from then. Pulling into the driveway Brooke was taken aback at just how large the house seemed. She didn't remember it looking so large, so intimidating and so cold. She remembered it being a home, looking like a home. Maybe it even looked different now Julian was gone. She fumbled in her purse for her keys and stood transfixed on the doorstep. She shivered in the bright sunshine as she pushed the key into the lock.

With her left hand she pushed the door open and stood in the doorway her eyes drinking in the place that had once been home. She felt a lump in her throat as she remembered opening these same doors, being stood in that hall when the police came to tell her Julian was gone. She tried to force the image out her mind and saw instead the day they fell in love with this house.

"_I just don't see what's wrong with the house we're in now." For her way of thinking the house meant little, it didn't make much of a difference because even though it didn't feel as much like her home as the one in Tree Hill she figured that was because she felt like Tree Hill was home._

"_There's nothing wrong with it exactly Brooke. But the school we want Sophie to go to then moving into this area means there's a guaranteed placed for her, not a waiting list." Brooke rolled her eyes but opened her car door to get out anyway. Her back was aching and she was greatly looking forward to the massage Julian had promised her in exchange for her agreeing to go view another house. She fell instantly in love with the huge door to the house, it was exactly the same as the one in Nathan and Haley's house, it put her at ease and made her smile. This house certainly had one plus over any of the others they'd viewed._

_The realtor opened the door when Julian knocked and Brooke stepped into the grand hall of the house, it left her speechless. She'd grown up in one of the grandest houses in Tree Hill and lived her life in various luxuries, yet this place took her breath away. The thing that sold the house to Brooke was the pictures hung on the walls, the pictures of the smiling happy family who owned this house. Pictures of a young couple with young children, the children growing older, pictures of the children grown with children and Brooke wanted that. She wanted someone to walk into her home and see her life like that, a happy woman, loved by her husband and with beautiful children and gorgeous grandchildren. All happy. That sold this house to Brooke._

The walls were lined with pictures, pictures of her and Julian, alone with Sophie, then others with both girls, then Tyler too. The thing that broke Brooke's heart was that she would never have the pictures she dreamed of when she walked into this house, she might have the children and grandchildren but there would be no picture of her and Julian, still as in love as when they married with their grandchildren.

They started in the kitchen because it seemed like the most neutral place in the house to start. Besides which the majority of items in there needed packing to be taken to Tree Hill to be put in storage while she bought a house. She managed to pack up the entire room with barely a thought of her husband. The kitchen was one of Brooke's favourite rooms in the house, for her it was the hub of their family life. She loved it despite the fact she was at best an average cook. Julian was much better in the kitchen than she was. He'd once joked that their children would be raised on takeaways if he wasn't around. She fought back her tears as she remembered that, remembered her response as being that he'd better always be with them in that case.

She then suggested they pack up the children's rooms. In Tyler's room she ran a hand along the handmade white finish crib that Tyler had slept in. Not much point taking it with them, he'd been sleeping in a bed while at Nathan and Haley's so she might as well purchase a bed and leave the crib behind. Julian had talked about keeping the crib for their grandchildren because it was such a finely crafted piece of furniture. She would be sad to leave it behind but she couldn't face being reminded of what he would never see. He would never see the children get ready for prom, or graduate high school and probably college too, never see them get married or have their own children. He'd miss nearly all of their lives. She broke down and sobbed over that crib and then she felt arms go around her and turn her into a strong chest. She wanted to pretend it was Julian's arms but she forced herself to see things as they were not as she wanted them to be.

"It'll be okay Brooke. I know this must be incredibly hard for you, but you're strong enough to get through this." She wanted so desperately to believe that he was right, that she was strong enough to get through this entire thing but she didn't. She felt she was always teetering on a precipice to the state she had been in when it first happened. That while she'd clawed herself out of that state she had not as yet pulled herself clear of going back there.

"All the things we said we'd do, the things we planned that will never happen. I don't know how to handle losing those dreams." She felt Lucas rubbing slow circles on her back as she sobbed into his chest.

"I wish I knew how to make this better for you, but no words in the world can erase this pain Brooke. I just know that you've gotten this far and you can survive this."

"We were meant to grow old together, now I'll be alone."

"You'll never be alone Brooke, Nathan, Haley and I would never allow that to happen. And the children will always be there."

"This is the worst feeling I've ever known Luke. Nothing has ever hurt like this." As her eyes closed and his grip tighten she realised her words were at odds with that night. Shortly after she'd come to L.A. when she was still reeling from Lucas' visit just before she left Julian had brought her to a karaoke bar one night.

"_I didn't have you down as the karaoke type." She grinned at him but he didn't grin back. Admittedly the bar was pretty quiet, it didn't seem like the whole karaoke night thing was a roaring success here._

"_I like this bar, I didn't realise they'd started doing karaoke nights." He left her to get a table and went to buy them both drinks. They'd fought that morning before he'd gone to work. He said she wasn't trying. The truth was she was completely preoccupied by Lucas Scott and his mad declarations, she was almost sure it ruined what was left of their friendship and it was putting a strain on her friendship with Peyton. Once again Lucas was ruining things. She'd almost run away from what she could have with Julian because of her inability to let her heart open to another man after the hurt she'd gone through with Lucas. She thought she was allowing Julian in and then Lucas throws her another curveball._

_She surmised that the problem was everyone assumed they knew her because Lucas had written her in his book, but even he couldn't comprehend just what pain she'd gone through back then. The pain Julian thought she was dealing with went far beyond what was in Ravens. She just needed him to understand that she was trying. She was here and she was trying. As soon as he sat down with their drinks she excused herself to the bathroom, a crazy idea implanted in her head._

"_**The first cut is the deepest  
Baby I know  
The first cut is the deepest  
But when it comes to bein' lucky, he's cursed  
When it comes to lovin' me, he's worst...**_

_**I still want you by my side  
Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried  
And I'm sure gonna give you a try  
If you want I'll try to love again,  
Baby, I'll try to love again, but I know...**_

_**The first cut is the deepest  
Baby I know  
The first cut is the deepest  
But when it comes to bein' lucky, he's cursed  
But when it comes to lovin' me, he's worst..."**_

She'd been so wrong that night. Her past hurt was nothing compared to this. The first or last would never ever compare to losing Julian. She just wished he'd known that all along.

"_I'll admit I wasn't expecting that." She took the hand he held out to her to help her off stage._

"_Julian, I never thought I'd get past the pain they both put me through. I'm trying to let it all go. I came here because I love you, I do. I know I've been distant and everything but I am trying to just let go of the past. Lucas Scott is the worst man in the world for me, and you're the best." She leant forward and pressed a kiss against his lips, his response was just slight and she felt hurt._

"_You know you're no Haley James Scott." She laughed and batted her hand across his arm._

"_Jackass." He slung his arm around her shoulders and pulled her back to the table._

"_I love you Brooke, I want you here. I know you're trying but it just feels like you're holding back on me." She debated whether or not to tell him then. Tell him about what Lucas had said to her. But she couldn't face the possibility that he'd meant what he'd said, and telling Julian would give more substance to what he'd said. Ultimately she didn't want to face the words. Or Julian's reaction._

"_One day it won't. I don't what else to say. I love you and I want to be with you."_

"_I'm going to get another drink." She let her head fall down to the table as he stood and walked away._

"_**I bet you counted all the tears I bet you've cried  
I bet you swore you'd never let love back inside  
'Cause it hurt you way too bad to say good-bye  
Now, there'll be times when I might put us to the test  
And it's hard for broken hearts to just forget  
But I'm driving blind, I'll lay it all on the line for you**_

_**If that's what it takes, that's what I'd do  
Tonight's the night, I'm gonna prove it to you  
Do I have to break down, baby just to break through  
If that's what it takes, that's what I'd do  
If that's what it takes...**_

_**So, when you feel like jumping  
Just when your heart starts pumping  
When you're standing out on that ledge-staring over the edge  
I'll be there to talk to you down  
I'll be there before you hit the ground**_

_**If that's what it takes, that's what I'd do  
Tonight's the night, I'm gonna prove it to you  
Do I have to break down, baby just to break through  
If that's what it takes, that's what I'd do  
If that's what it takes."  
**_

"_Brooke, I just need you to let it go, forget Tree Hill." She smiled up at him._

"_Okay, Tree Hill is forgotten. Julian this is what I want. More than anything, I don't want to lose you. Not ever."_

"I think it's time we called it a day Brooke. Let's go get something to eat, get some sleep and come back tomorrow." She nodded her head slowly. Despite her strong desire not to stay in the house during her visit now she was here she didn't want to leave. This entire house, every wall and every surface held a memory of him and she didn't want to walk away from that. She wanted to immerse herself in him and forget the rest of the world. She just wanted Julian. But instead she allowed Lucas to lead her from the house.

* * *

She rolled over and glanced at the clock, it was almost 3a.m. and she had yet to fall asleep. She still felt herself strongly attached to the house, being there was so painful and yet so soothing all at the same time. She got up and slipped a coat on over her pyjamas and grabbed her purse. She went outside, hailed a cab and went to the house. She stood outside and stared at the house long after the cab had driven off. She was still torn about whether she wanted to go in. But then she saw movement in her bedroom and she was propelled to the door. She slipped the key in and charged through the house and into her bedroom. She flung herself onto the bed into the arms waiting for her there.

"I thought you'd never get here." His voice murmured in her ear.

"I'm sorry." Tears dripped down her cheeks. "I'm sorry I left you." His tears began to mingle with her own then as their faces touched.

"You didn't leave me baby, you can never leave me." She clung on tightly to him, never wanting to let him go.

"But I am leaving you, I'm taking everything away and leaving you." She felt his hand smoothing her hair as he shushed her.

"You can't leave me Brooke, packing our things up and selling our house it isn't you leaving me. I'm already gone. But I'm with you, every day so you can't leave me, and I won't leave you. I'm the sunshine in your hair remember." She smiled through her tears at his words as she remembered when he was away on business and he called her, he'd barely said two words to her before he was holding his cell to his iPod and letting a song play to her down the line.

_**He called her on the road  
From a lonely cold hotel room  
Just to hear her say I love you one more time  
But when he heard the sound  
Of the kids laughing in the background  
He had to wipe away a tear from his eye  
A little voice came on the phone  
Said daddy when you coming home  
He said the first thing that came to his mind**_

_**I'm already there  
Take a look around  
I'm the sunshine in your hair  
I'm the shadow on the ground  
I'm the whisper in the wind  
I'm your imaginary friend  
And I know I'm in your prayers  
Oh I'm already there**_

_**She got back on the phone  
Said I really miss you darling  
Don't worry about the kids they'll be alright  
Wish I was in your arms  
Lying right there beside you  
But I know that I'll be in your dreams tonight  
And Ill gently kiss your lips  
Touch you with my fingertips  
So turn out the light and close your eyes**_

_**I'm already there  
Don't make a sound  
I'm the beat in your heart  
I'm the moonlight shining down  
I'm the whisper in the wind  
And I'll be there until the end  
Can you feel the love that we share  
Oh I'm already there**_

_**We may be a thousand miles apart  
But I'll be with you wherever you are  
**_

"_I heard this song on the radio when I was in a cab the other day and I just thought of my three favourite girls. It's everything I feel Brooke. I miss you."_

"_I miss you too baby, and you're in my dreams every night."_

**Songs are Sheryl Crow – The First Cut is the Deepest, Bon Jovi – If That's What It Takes and Westlife – I'm Already There**


End file.
